Make that Change!

1st braid-out

2011-01-19T22:04:00.002-05:00

Pretty foxy if I say so myself!

I was so proud of my hair this weekend. I've started co-washing...that's washing with conditioner only, no shampoo...and I used a shea butter mixture for the 1st time. Shea butter, olive oil, castor oil, & I cheated with a little "Wild Growth" oil because I cannot find any coconut oil in this town! So I sectioned the hair & ran the mixture down the shaft, sealing the ends, & then cornrowed it. I think I left the cornrows in for a day & 1/2 when I unraveled it to this braid-out creation. I LOVE IT! I wish I could do it more often, but my ends were a bit damageds/split somehow & they frizzed a few hours later. Maybe after I get accustomed to this co-washing regime the hair will be in better condition & I can try it again. After all...I had 4 years of locs & maybe 3-4 conditioning treatments in that whole time. My hair is DRY!

The Locs are GONE!

2010-12-05T09:05:00.008-05:00

And nope... I didn't cut the hair. Very slowly, over about a month of time, I picked them out with a rat-tail comb & lots of water & conditioner. Of course w/ the hair looking like that it's not very presentable for work, school, church, or anything.

Here it is after a fresh shamppoing, in it's wet curly state. Not exactly the look I was going for, but better than what was presented before.

I decided to style it in comb coils for the moment. It's nice to be able to run a comb through it every once in a while again, but funny how I chose a style where once again I will not be combing my hair every day!

Very Ironic! Even though the small coils were cute, I found it even cuter when I separated the coils so I had a head full of fluffy curly hair!. Of course w/ my schedule I was just too busy to take a picture of it! lol

On the other news front... we got new pets yesterday. We're staying with the exotic animal theme since we didn't seem to do so well with the dog. I loved the rabbit, but that didn't work out after about 2 years. This time we got Guinea Pigs! 1 all brown one named "Coco" & one tri-colored one named "Ice Cream". Maybe my child was hungry when we got them?

Wow I was miserable!

2010-11-14T00:31:00.010-05:00

How come no one pointed that out to me... that my posts were becoming all loom & doom about all over the place about everything? It's been a while since I've posted, I know. The last one I was upset about Valentine's Day coming up. I had just met a guy in the week or 2 before & was hopeful for a nice 1,2 & eventually 3rd date w/ him. It never happened. After out inital meeting, his subsequent phone calls started with the greeting "Heeeey Miss Big-Booty". Was that my cue to start swooning over him??? Then he goes on to ask if I could lend him $500 for his rent. FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! Mind you, I work for a living & am the single mother of 2 young children. Do you really think I have that amount of money to just lend out to some guy I just met?? Needless to say, when he called after that I did not answer.

I put my foot down & decided I just wasn't going to deal with men anymore. It was obvious to me that it just wasn't meant for me to find a special guy because I am too nice. I watch the Maury show & see so many loud mouth, bitter, mean, irritated women fighting over who their baby daddy is. With that kind of attitude they were still able to find someone interested in them for a date or 2. So that's the kind of attitude I decided I was going to start carrying. I wasn't trying to hear anything any man tried to say or whistle at

me. They're only after 1 thing anyway...why should I make it easy for them? lol

Well the "Evil Ouida" didn't last long. I went to Chicago for that house music picnic again in July & met up with an old college friend. Little did we know that when he started communicating on Facebook it was the start of an actual relationship! We met up at a club party, we danced, we talked ( or shouted over the music) & then he t

ook me to get something to eat.

He doesn't understand how 72 degrees in a halter top could be cold to a Floridian native...but I was really cold! So he gave me his jacket & put his arm around me. Perfect opportunity for that 1st kiss, right? So now here it is, 4 months later & we're still communicating on Facebook. But now

next to my name it says "is in a relationship with "<----HIM! I'm not posting his name here. I'm just really happy at this point. Would be happier if it weren't a long distance relationship...like if he moved here. I'm not trying to rush things though. I realize I do have control issues, so I'm trying hard to just sit back & let things happen as they may.

I also talked about making major changes in my life last time I posted. I said I

was gonna cut & color my hair. For a minute I thought about cutting it short like Janet Jackson did! No...I didn't do it. I really dragged my feet on the whole issue. Instead I just began to TAKING OUT THE LOCs process last month. That's right... the past shoulder length locs you see there are no more. 1st I woke up feeling really bad w/ a bad headache 1 day. I blamed it on sleeping on the locs & pulling at them in my sleep. So I grabbed the scissors & chopped off 6 inches! I looked similar to Whoopi Goldberg's haircut. This transformation wasn't enough for me. I decided I wanted real sisterlocs, not these braidlocs I got. I want mine smaller. So as painstaking as it may be, instead of cutting the hair off & starting fresh that way, I am picking the locs apart 1 by 1.

While my hair is in transition I've been wearing wigs in public ( to work, church, etc.). I'm about 3/4 of the way unloc'ed now...so stay stuned for the big reveal. I'm looking forward to having a short time combing through my 'naturally curly hair' and having the option of wearing it bone straight if and when I can. Hopefully I still have a little bit of an audience... did I lose all of you in my absence?

UGH... here it comes again.

2010-02-02T22:22:00.002-05:00

You know, once upon a time I used to be excited aboutt Valentine's Day. Wondering what boy at school would give me a carnation or rose... wondering if anyone would ask me to the dance if there was one...wondering if anyone would just ask me out for Valentine's Day at all. When I did have a boyfriend I wondered what special gift he would get for me... how would he present it? You know it looks all sentimental & dramatic on TV & movies... and I never got anything close to it.

1 boyfriend was a Jehovah's Witness...so he didn't celebrate it. But when he saw how disappointed I was that everyone else in school has something from their Valentine & I didn't, he brought me a huge Pink Panther doll on 2/15. Maybe that started my love of the color PINK.

My favorite boyfriend...senior year of high school....I honestly don't think he got me anything for Valentine's day.

The very few other boyfriends I had didn't put much thought into a gift for Valentine's Day... a bunch of flowers & a stuffed animal. It makes me sad to think how their expressions of love are so standard...like there was nothing personal about it. This is what everyone else gets, so you should get it too.

Maybe that's why I started on this sort of hatred toward this fake holiday, because I never really got to enjoy someone expressing a love for me as they show in the media. I was lead to believe that when man proposes marriage he's supposed to buy a ring (hopefully a nice diamond), get down on 1 knee, and ask for your hand. HA!

On Valentine's day you special man was supposed to arrange a wonderful date..... carriage ride through the park, candlelit dinner, moonlight stroll, wonderful concert w/ your favorite singer, SOMETHING SPECIAL. For me, it never happened. It's so sad.

Well I have decided 2010 is going to be a banner year for me. I'm going to cut & color my hair this year. I'm going to get back into my size 12 jeans...maybe even size 10. I'm having the surgery for reconstruction again this year so I can see more of a woman when I look in the mirror. 2010 is going to be different.

Using motivation factors where I can....

2010-01-31T14:28:00.002-05:00

I use nikerunning.com with the Nike+ technology in my shoes to track my mileage in my walk/runs. It'll tell me how far I've gone, what pace I kept on average, how many calories burned, and when I set a new personal record I get a recorded message offering congratulations ( like from Lance Armstrong!). It also allows me to set different goals that I don't track on sparkpeople. Like for the month of January my goal was to complete 12 run in 4 weeks, burn 2000 calories, & complete a distance of 30 miles. Today I made sure that I accomplished all 3 by walking 6.84 miles in 2 hours! Lance says that was my longest workout yet!
The month of February will have the same goals kicked up a notch due to some negativity I received. As I told a friend about my goal accomplishments (specifically the 2000 calories burned) he looks at me & says "It's still there you know..."
That was so not funny. Not that I expect him to notice, but in the month of January I did lose 8 lbs. In February the goals are another 12 runs/walks in 4 weeks (mentally I'll shoot for 15), a distance of 35 miles, & 3000 calories burned with a 10 lb loss. Let's see if I can do it!

Michael would be so proud

2010-01-28T23:17:00.002-05:00

You know the ending of the "Black & White" video where everyone does that head bob type dance while their images morph into each other? I've always wished I could have been a part of that. Well, this is the closest I ever got. I miss you Michael.
http://www.sonypictures.com/homevideo/michaeljacksonthisisit/fanmorph/index.php?id=14235

DANGGIT WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STAY GONE!

2010-01-28T23:08:00.002-05:00

You know, I liked this guy. I really did. We only went out on a couple of dates, but it didn't work out. I wasn't enough of a woman I guess....you know what I mean. Those words he spoke still ring in my ear...how he liked me, but there's 1 thing missing. UGH!

Of course he rang my phone again a few months later....after midnight...asking if he could come over. HA!! Haven't heard from him since...almost 2 years ago.

WHY OH WHY did I run across him again tonight? WHY is he still single? WHY does he still look soooooo good? He told me he was moving back to NY last time we spoke. WHY IS HE STILL HERE IN FL TO TORTURE ME???

You know, I think I dreamed about this before.

Too much clutter & wanting more

2010-01-24T02:39:00.002-05:00

I honestly don't know how to tackle this problem. My life... my finances... my home...it's all a cluttered mess. Every time I think I get started in getting it straightened out, another week goes by and it seems that I didn't even make an effort. I feel like something is missing from my life... that something to care for. I had a husband that it seemed I had to do EVERYTHING for & I resented him for it. I have 2 kids that I have to do things for.. and they are growing more & more independent each day. They actually say "thank you" & try to give hugs & affectionate kisses. I don't have to question if they're doing it because they want something or not. Their love is real.

I've been thinking about adopting a dog. A small lap dog, not anything too big like the lab/shar-pei I tried in 2007. But I can't bring a dog into this mess. It's more responsibility, & a bigger mess that I may not be able to handle alone. Maybe I should start w/a pet mouse?

My God I've got issues...

2010-01-16T11:06:00.002-05:00

I dreamed of being somewhere with friends & family... can't identify who, but knew I was safe. Then a 12 ft snake crawls in. I screamed "It's a cobra!! A COBRA!! There's a cobra in here!" at which point the snake began to chase me. When I thought I was far enough away & safe I screamed again to find it wrapping itself around my legs and feet. I couldn't run...and with 12 ft of it's body I thought it would surely cover me up. Ok... my feet & legs are bound...why didn't I use my hands to unwrap him? Anyway, I knew I was facing an certain end, whether it squeezed me to death or bit me, injecting it's deadly venom... I was a goner. I screamed for someone to help me... he's got me... please get him off me... and someone came along & carried the snake off Steve Irwin style, saying it was not a cobra but a python (as if that makes a big difference). I go back to the original location where the friends & family were to find the snake made himself into a dog & people were playing with him!! Sort of like that snake in the movie "Lemony Snickets", how it would give kisses....but this snake would fold itself into the shape of a dog, like the Rubik's Cube Snake circa 1981. I remember looking right at the snake's head....& it's scales were blue, green & yellow.

So I go to www.dreammoods.com for interpretation.

Snake
To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. Alternatively, the snake may be seen as phallic and thus symbolize temptation, dangerous and forbidden sexuality. If you are afraid of the snake, then it signifies your fears of sex, intimacy or commitment. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.To see the skin of a snake in your dream, represents protection from illnesses.
Cobra
To see a cobra in your dream, represents creation, and creative energies. Some situation or relationship has you hypnotized.
Python
To see a python in your dream, represents danger, sin, and overt sexuality. Alternatively, it may symbolize your determination.

To see a python suffocate and kill its prey, suggests that you are feeling emotionally stressed and anxious.

Why does everything have to refer to some sexuality thing in my life???

Haitian Earthquake 1/12/10

2010-01-13T07:07:00.001-05:00

I just heard the news last night & am seeing images this morning. My heart & prayers go out to the Haitian community at this time.

In pain again....

2010-01-11T22:32:00.004-05:00

Well listening to the advice of the lovely people at the mortgage company did nothing but waste money for me. They advised me to have him sign a quit claim so that I can apply for a Deed in Lieu on my own. Lots of $$$ wasted. The house was sold in auction today. I don't know how much or to whom...but I just hate that they showed me this light at the end of the tunnel & it lead nowhere for me. So yeah, that hurts.

I made about 5 chocolate martinis last night....so of course today I didn't get anything accomplished as I just puttered around the house doing stuff & doing nothing. I wasn't really hung-over, but obviously not at 100%. In pain. I did at least wash my hair & roll it up in the soft spikes. I'll take a picture of it tomorrow.

EDIT: Well here it is. You know...I am rather shocked at the colors running though them in the back. I don't spend a lot of time in the sun...don't know how they change color like that towards the ends. I think if I keep finding stuff like this to do with them I won't be as bored & wont cut them.

I also reactivated my profile on 1 of those dating web-sites. It's time for me to get out there again. Here's hoping something works out before I get frustrated again.

Did I tell you I had surgery last week? Nothing too major, and I can't even remember the full name of it. It's the one where the ob/gyn burns the uterial lining...making future periods less painful, shorter in duration, lighter, I'm hoping it'll bring less PMS as well! I tell ya, I was under vicodin & valium on the day of...and man that felt good. But then the nurse gives injections of some other pain meds & I really felt like I was floating. I had to ask someone to stay & keep talking to me cuz I thought I may have passed out. I think the Dr. may have never heard me say so much....and about nothing! I know I sounded like a drunken slob or something...would have been funny to record it.

Back to the locs?

2010-01-08T22:52:00.003-05:00

Well I know I stopped talking about it for a while now....how much can you really say about them after it has been determined that the hair is indeed loc'ed? Well now we can talk about the length I guess. Remember back in the days when they were 1st started (with braids) and how they sat above my shoulder? Well we're almost 4 years in now....look how far they've come. Hanging past my shoulders & sometimes honestly getting on my nerves! I've been doing a few new style w/knots & ponytails in the past week that I have to get someone to take pictures of...because being my own paparazzi doesn't always work out. It's cute though.

How Ironic...& not funny.

2010-01-03T02:45:00.002-05:00

I don't talk about this much... cuz I said I forgave him & I honestly wanted to just leave it behind us. But you know when you've been wronged by someone you tend to keep the wrong to the forefront of your mind so that you will not be hurt by that wrong again. Years ago (and pretty early in the marriage) he almost cheated on me. He told me she was just a friend from his high school days...an ex girlfriend in fact...but come on. We're in FL, she's back in Chicago. How much damage can be done by them talking every once in a while? I soon found out. I can't describe the pain I felt when I got the email from this strange man...her husband...forwarding my husband's fantasy w/ her...his wife. Of course I told him that contact w/ her was cut off from that point on & had him call to tell her so. So of course she emails me to give even dirtier details, of how they were arranging to meet up when he visited Chicago in the near future. She was an OES sister & pretended to be my friend. To know a sister could hurt me like that...and even worse.. my husband...who was supposed to be my best friend... my Masonic brother....could do that too? And you wonder why I have problems trusting people!

Anyway...so yeah, during the time she was getting to know me...convincing me that she was no threat to my marriage, we talked about my love of music & how my mind has this wealth of knowledge of songs that a lot of people forgot about. She stumped me. She asked about a song, gave a partial lyric, but couldn't remember the title or artist. It sounded soooooo familiar, but I couldn't name it either & it actually bothered me all these years. Yesterday while listening to the slow-jams on iTunes I heard it. The title was very appropriate...to what I should have said when the relationship was 1st revealed. The title was "No", the artist Amusement Park. I wonder if she was ever able to solve her own riddle.

Well he's supposed to be getting married this weekend. He still hasn't said anything to me about it. And how ironic... I turn on iTunes again & hear Prince singing "Adore".....the song we danced our 1st dance to 12 years ago when I believed his lies.

Another friend of mine called me in tears yesterday. He just celebrated New Year's with his new girlfriend, but they went to a place that he previously celebrated with his wife & now he's feeling that he misses his ex-wife. Maybe not really her per se, but the good parts of the relationship they once had. Could I just be going through this because it should officially be over... he's outta my life.... it's outta my hands. Him getting married should close the door of him ever darkening my emotional doorstep again, right? Somehow I just don't get that feeling. I know I don't have those feelings for him any longer...but something just doesn't feel right here & I don't know what it is.

Happy New Year

2009-12-31T10:30:00.003-05:00

OK! 2009 is coming to a close. Time for all the good stuff to start happening again in my life! I plan on having a bunch of finger foods for dinner...cuz I don't feel like cooking... and a few martinis! Happy New Year to you all!

Funny/Ironic story for the "NOT THINKING CLEARLY" file

2009-12-29T15:56:00.007-05:00

So I started cleaning out the clutter...starting with the Christmas tree. It was put back in the box on 12/27/09. I figured why wait until January, the holiday is over! I moved it back into the garage & started moving other things OUT of the garage. Things that never should have come over to this new house with me in 2008. My mom is a big fan of knick-knack ceramics...and I'm not. Off to Goodwill they went. There was a bunch of little baby stuff that either never got used or they outgrew. Off to Goodwill they went. I found a drawer full of old knifes & stuff mom gave me when I 1st moved out to help us get started. I'm not sure, I can't remember, but I think OFF TO GOODWILL it went. And then I found somethings I completely forgot about. The unity candle...the knife set...and the champagne glasses from our 1997 wedding.

I remember coming across the candle before and I thought I would burn it when the day the divorce became final. I guess I had other things on my mind & I forgot. So what shall I do?

I thought it would be a sort of funny gift if I gave them to my ex, but seeing how he still hasn't even told me that he's getting married I decided against it. I started to send them off to Goodwill as well, but decided to offer them to my neice instead. The candle I did in fact ignite it.

It was dark outside & it sort of gave off a romantic glow.

I went to bed at 2am and it was still burning, similar to one of those 17 hour pillar candles, so I let it keep going. At 9am when I woke up it looked like it hardly melted any...it was still going! I was impressed. Would have been more impressed if it were scented, but I guess you can't have it all can you? Well I walked away to do some work around the house & returned about 90 minutes later....and WOW!! It was gone into a huge wax puddle.

I can laugh because similar to the actual marriage it was a slow burning beautiful glow that seemed to last forever, but when it hit the catalyst that made it burn faster ( possibly the garter that held it together) things went downhill really fast & guess who's left to clean up the big mess? ME!!

Not thinking clearly? I should have known the type of man he was, but I kept hoping that he would change into the guy he pretended to be. But you can't change anyone or help someone change if they don't truly want to change themselves. I obviously didn't think clearly when I said "I do". And I obviously didn't think clearly when I placed a lit candle in a plastic tub....thinking the wax would just collect & re-harden like it does in a glass jar! LOL!

Still alive after all this time...

2009-12-26T22:08:00.006-05:00

Wow.. so I've been blogging since 2007? And a lot of my stuff is still here? Well 2009 hasn't been all to great for me as far as the blogging goes, but we'll work on that.

1st of all.. remember way back when I blogged about Disney's 1st black Princess & how excited I was? Well we did go see the movie as well as a trip to Disneyworld to meet her. They took my advice & changed the name of the movie to "The Princess & The Frog" and the main character's name is Tiana. lol...if the Windows7 people can take credit for their ideas, why can't I? My ideas

were posted as proof way back then! My daughter is just as thrilled about her as I was. We didn't get the bedspreads,wallpaper, & everything else yet...but we're working on it.

This year my health has been great. Not one problem from any of the doctors I've had to visit. As a matter of fact, I've been placed on the annual check-up schedule with the oncologists. OH YEAH!! When that board made that recommendation that women only have mammograms after age 50 & only every 2years....of course I had to make a

statement to our local newspaper. lol...I was on the front page that Sunday! The whole idea is ridiculous. Imagine if I had to wait until I was 50 to get a mammogram? I wouldn't be here today.

This Christmas wasn't so bad. The kids got a lot of things that they wanted. So did I...even some things I didn't expect. Like my motherboard to officially die on me 1 week before Christmas.

My techie friend tells me I could buy another motherboard (used), but there's no guarantees how long it would last. On top of that... a new motherboard means a new processor, new memory, etc.... therfore I might as well just go buy a new computer so I can have the warranty....so that's what I got. I actually bought something with cash from my own hand thanks to saving for that rainy day. No charge cards... no "mommy..I need help"...I did it myself. It actually felt great. I also got the big ticket items I wanted on Black Friday by myself... but it would have been easier if someone were with me. I was shocked to find those ZhuZhu pets on Christmas eve at Walmart. I got a 12 MP camera...so you can look forward to more pics from me...maybe pics of me!

I'm still not dating. I'm sort of trying & not trying at the same time. Meaning if some nice guy approached me I might consider it, but I'm not chasing anyone or begging for some guy to take me out!

Yesterday my daughter told me that daddy is getting married next week. How original...getting married on New Year's day. But what I feel is even more sad is that he's doing this only 7 months after the divorce is final. He moved in w/her directly after he moved out from our house...and I'm not supposed to believe that he wasn't cheating during the marriage? HA! Whatever....good luck to the both of them.

So with 2010 coming upon us I have to make my dreams/wishes of accomplishments for the new year (not resolutions). I'm going to work out a bit harder. I started walking in my neighborhood. Got up to walking 4 miles in 1 day. Maybe I can get up to running one day. I'm trying so hard to get rid of the clutter around me in this house. I'm letting go of things I truly don't use & don't need. Hopefully I'll be able to move to a larger place cuz the kids are getting bigger & more active. We need more space. Maybe I'll be able to get a poodle doggy if I have a fenced in yard? We'll see.

The locs? I'm thinking of cutting them this year. I am amazed at the growth, but I'm getting bored with the look as well. Isn't that what a lot of women do after a divorce... a total makeover? Well this year is my year!

Happy New Year everyone!

Out of my hands Follow-up...

2009-09-26T23:00:00.002-04:00

I wrote that it was out of my hands & asked for prayer.

http://electa530.blogspot.com/2009/03/out-of-my-hands-again.html

I see once again how prayer works. I didn't argue with him about this issue ever again. Instead I just continued taking the kids to church. On Sunday when we didn't go I would let him know so that he could come pick them up. Whenever he asked for extra time it is allowed if there was no other conflicts.

It seems if I never ever ask him about child support or anything financially related we get along fine. Let's see how long this will last.

Ms. Cellophane...I'm Ms. Cellophane...

2009-09-26T22:38:00.002-04:00

Ever had one of those moments when you felt like if you weren't there no one would even notice? I feel like that quite often.. but even more so this past week. I came down with this horrible cold/flu & called in sick to work. Usually my supervisor will call back later in the morning... or at least before the end of the day to see how horrible my sickness is. I went 2 days with no follow up calls from anyone on my team. Then on the 3rd day I drag my weary body into work & they ask "how are you?". I say I am a lot better than I was the previous 3 days.... and then I hear " Make sure you don't cough or sneeze on (your co-worker)". Thanks for missing me.

Another friend pointed out my absence on this blog lately. I'm sorry, once again. There was another bout of slight depression...feeling sad about being alone & seeming never good enough, but I'm getting over that. Today there is sadness over the loss of our pet bunny.... but the kids don't even notice yet. I guess they're just used to me pushing the cage outside before I clean it. This time it won't be coming back in though. I don't know what happened. She was fed on Thursday night & I saw she was fine last night. Today we come home & I notice she's not moving. When the kids left the room I go for a closer look. The cedar chip bedding looks like its in her mouth ( I didn't look THAT close) & her body was just beginning to stiffen up. So maybe if I had stayed home instead of going to the pool....paid a little more attention? UGH!! I can't do this to myself.

I've met a few psychos in my area. I'm still single. I'm still prayerful that God will send the man that is supposed to be in my life. I know there's a difference between wants & needs.... and I hope he will send a few of the qualifications that I want as well as what I need. In the meantime.... dang, is it too much to ask that if a guy is really interested that he go ahead & PLAN a date instead of "I dunno, what do you want to do?" "Let's wait & see what happening on that day" ?? I grew up watching TV & movies where the guy called the girl saying things like "I would like to take you to dinner...", "Hey, would you like to go bowling with me", "I have tickets to a So & So concert... would you like to go with me". I guess guys don't do that anymore.

I didn't forget...

2009-08-15T21:24:00.002-04:00

but as you can tell by my last post I wasn't really feeling very upbeat & chipper as usual. I had to take a break.
In July I flew back to Chicago for my 20 yr. high school reunion. If we weren't friends back then, it was a safe bet that we can't be friends right now. I felt as uncomfortable as I did back then around certain people.... but then was especially brave around others. I actually attracted the attention of one of the hot guyz from back then. It was cool.
Any, lately I've been doing whatever I can to get the smile back on my face. Is it working?

Feeling like Possum Pearl sometimes...

2009-06-08T10:07:00.003-04:00

Yes I know I'm not a virgin. I have 2 kids.... and I have a past! But when I meet a guy that expresses an interest in me...why does it seem they loose interest when it is revealed that

I don't have boobs
Sleeping w/ me is gonna cost more than a couple of drinks?

I'm not trying be all Holier Than Thou or whatever... but I would think that when a special man comes into my life... for real... then he will appreciate the fact that I haven't been tried on & run through the mill by all the previous guys that came before him/after the divorce. They all talk about how they want that good woman... then do all they can to try & make me bad!
It also makes me wonder.... if I were in a horrible accident & lost a limb.... that would render me un-datable as well? I've asked the question.. polled around... and it was said that boobs were not that important to men. It's funny, I can't tell. Take a short poll of the guys that have expressed an interest in me in the past 2 years or single-hood. All think I'm a great woman, easy to talk to, great friend..... but 1 even said to me that I'm missing that 1 thing. Of course he didn't say what & it didn't have to be said. Although I appreciate the honesty, it still hurts. But you know what? I guess if you don't truly know pain, then you won't know pleasure when you receive it.

Mother's Day 2009

2009-05-16T11:35:00.005-04:00

It started out great! The week before Ms. D. Francis had all her girls together for a suprise lunch gathering. 3 of us went & got our nails done & did some dress shopping. Yup- I bought a few dresses! I decided to keep the girly thing going w/ my daughter as I did our nails the following weekend.. the actual Mother's day weekend. Since they are too young for me to allow them to run lose in the kitchen alone, I let them take me to breakfast on Sunday morning then we went to church. I dropped them off w/ their dad afterward as usual.

This left me w/ more time for me! I thought I would take Ms. Francis to the movies, but instead we ended up shopping again & then just rented a movie from the Redbox @ Wal-mart. Still, a nice Mother's Day for me & my mom.

Other forces I guess tried to rain on my parade through the rest of the week. It was hard, but I keep my head up through it all.

But cute thing though... I think my son might want to be a hairstylist. He loves grabbing my locs into a 1 fisted ponytail in the back or just fluffing them around. Just now as he grabbing them I told him he's pulling too tight.. so he pulls tighter. I say "OWWW!! That hurts" & he tells me "Noooooo...." like I don't know what I'm talking about. It's MY hair on MY head!

Another Hair issue

2009-04-18T23:25:00.008-04:00

I keep forgetting to update pictures of how the hair thing is going. Who would have thought that this started out as a hair blog? Well like I said... I watched them go from braidlocs to locs. I didn't see the need to keep taking pictures ever day/week/month to continue watching them. I like the once in a while pic that makes me say "WOW! They are growing!".

This year we had an unfortunate family reunion surrounded by a death in the family. This gave me opportunity to see more natural hair cousins of mine! Anyway... I became my own papparazzi & started snapping pictures w/ people all over the place.This is Alecia who started her locs I think 1 year ago. She was asking me about the ends that don't loc up. Sound like she had the same problem I did. I told her I was advised that after a year if they didn't loc up they never will. I even showed her the few loose ends I still have!

I hadn't seen my cousin Patrick in FOR EVER! I had to be reminded that he was actually at my wedding 12 years ago. Anyway.... my mom & her sisters were not very pleased with his hair. They threatened him w/scissors , wanting to cut the locs off. WHY these Jamaican women are so against locs I don't understand. I also met a cousin who is indeed a practising Rasta. She keeps her locs covered though.

And ME?? YOU BETTA WORK!! I was told this shot that I took of myself looks FIERCE! I don't know. I like the hair, even though I couldn't really do anything with it that day. But I like the way it hangs now that it's finally shoulder length. I do need to take more shots to show the length in the back. Hey Brunsli- thanks for the tie!

Where's my million dollar check?

2009-04-18T22:58:00.002-04:00

In just the past 7 months I said something about the power of life & death being in either the tongue or in your mind. I pointed out how I thought of something and in the next few minutes it came into fruition. I spoke of someone that was unfortunately out of my life & how I wished we could have worked it out to remain friends. We hadn't spoken in more than 10 years. As of last month we've spoken maybe every other day... reconnecting like nothing ever happened.
So if I really do have that kind of power to make things happen...I need to start speaking aloud about my lotto winnings! I need to speak of my Prince Charming w/ the good credit rating that is willing to become my help meet & step father to my children....giving them a better male role model. I need to speak (shout!) more about that size 10 dress that I will be able wear this summer!
And not to be selfish... thinking only of myself...I speak of my kids coming into the genius status before them. My son overcoming the autism diagnosis set on him. Next year he will be reciting The Lord's Prayer by memory. My daughter will astonish the people at the new school to a point of being put into the Gifted Student program. My neice will straighten up & receive full scholarships to college. My other neice will find out what life is REALLY about & become the young adult that we all know she can be. My sister will find the answer to her prayers as well.

But seriously though... I need that money soon.

Starting... stopping... starting again...

2009-04-14T22:13:00.002-04:00

My high school reunion is in July. 20 years ya'll! I can't beleive I'm going back to see these people I haven't seen in 20 years! So of course I have to look my best!
How can I? To be honest I'm only 20 lb heavier than I was in high school anyway. After 20 years, 2 kids, & a serious illness I think 20 lbs is forgivable. Unfortunately I don't just see 20 lbs. I'm still seeing the image of me in 2001 at my heaviest.... 234 lbs.
So I make up my mind to start working out again. I research the Couch to 5k program to get me running. I mentally promise to walk maybe 30 minutes a day. I mentally promise to do the Wii Fit thing every week. I even shop around for other workout material. At some point I will actually get serious about this & put those cookies down!

Wanting something new?

2009-03-30T00:00:00.002-04:00

Not really... but that's the name of the movie I'm watching. "Something New" starring Sanaa Lathan & Simon Baker. A successful black woman about to start dating a white guy for the 1st time in her life. Her apprehension to the subject is very similar to mine, but not exactly. I mean they had a blind date at Starbucks & she walked around saying things like "What's up Brutha" & "Girl you are wearing those locs" to the black people she sees. I wouldn't take it that far.
But this guy in the movie.... yeah, he's hot. If he walked into my life I don't think I would be hesitant about dating him. But then again, my attraction to this character isn't because he's the white guy. He's nice, sensitive to her issues, hard working... I don't know if he can dance though. lol Of course the ability to keep a beat is important to me. I would be attacted to his character if he were black, white, Puerto Rican....whatever.
But really... 1st he's just the average white guy at Starbucks that she doesn't like... then he turns out to be this wonderful landscaping architect who reconstructs her backyard into something wonderful! And while she tries to keep that wall of professionality between them, he forces her to try something new...to go hiking with him. Like me she says "that'll be a double no" but with the loss of a coin toss she goes & it appears she had a good time. After that 1st kiss she tried to tell him that it won't be going any further and she gets out of the car & walks into her condo. A few dramatic seconds later she answers the knock at the door & there he is. He pushes his way into her place, grabbing & kissing her. Rather forceful, but in a way sort of hot!
But I just like the idea that he saw how hard she works & doesn't take the time to have fun... and forced her to try hiking. Now I want to try hiking, but don't know where to go or how to get started! I like the way he talks to her & WITH her. Maybe I'm just lonely...having no one around to talk to.
But then they have an arguement in the grocery store over a race issue....how she's being treated at work. She wants to talk about it (the Black tax...I never heard of it, but thanks for the enlightenment!) & he doesn't want to talk about anything racial... he just wants to relax. I don't see anything wrong with his side of the arguement, but she kind of blew it out of proportion & they decide it's not working.
Then of course she goes on ONE date with a black guy & now when he comes back 2 weeks later to apologize & try to work things out she turns him down. But then she sees him at an event a few weeks later with another woman & has an asthma attack. A clear case of wanting what we can't have.

One of these days I'm going to have to make a clear definition of what it is I want. What I'm looking for, if I'm looking at all. What it is I'll accept. I look at the lounge chair in her backyard that he designed for her to relax in. I need to relax. I need something like that. I need to be able to just let go sometimes . I wish I had a backyard with that type of set up to just play some jazz, have a glass of wine, & just mellow out for a while. Then again...what happened to our smooth jazz station anyway? Today I tuned in & they weren't there! UGH! No warning whatsoever.

Out of my hands... again.

2009-03-09T21:52:00.003-04:00

I get so upset when I see thing going the wrong way & I can't control it no matter my efforts. This issue is nothing new & should have been expected, but I keep wanting to see the good in people & it obviously isn't there anymore.
So we're fighting about his visitation time & the kids going to church every week causes a conflict. Seeing how they're not going to church by MY order but in order to learn God's will I didn't think it would be a bad thing for them to come to their fathers home a bit late. Well it was. He's arguing that I'm wasting his visitation time by taking the kids to church without his permission. He suggested they go only every other week so that he can have his time with them. In his own words "I thought that what little time I spend with my children should also be important and I too offer them the right path to go on so no I can't loose every Sunday to their religious teaching.". That's right... he can't lose time with the kids to God. Offering them the right path?? How? Playing in the yard? Watching movies? Veggie-Tales can only do so much!
But today I had to come down off my soap box & leave it in His hands as to what is right or wrong. I just don't understand how someone that was brought up in the church himself can stray so far from it. Please pray for my kids. Pray for me. Pray that he comes back to the person he was supposed to be.

1/2 a dozen cookies & some silence...

2009-02-22T16:50:00.003-05:00

Dang, I didn't realize how long it has been since my last post. Well, besides being all happy about the events of 1/20/09 I've kind of been going through other things that prevented me from properly expressing how I felt.

Well my neice is currently dating a man that is approx. 20 years older than she. He is about the same age as her own mother. Ever since she's started dating him she seems to have gotten more & more disrespectful to others while she feels she's mearly stating her opinion. One day while driving somewhere w/ her mom they got into an arguement that escalated to the point of my sister getting out of the car & walking home. Hmmm... the only time I can even imagine my mom & I agrgueing to the point of me putting her out of my car would be if she ever said something like the God we serve wasn't real & prayer is a waste of time. I don't know if my sister has worked things out w/ her daughter as of this date. I know my neice still has a few screws loose though. Last week my son was washing his hands in the bathroom & couldn't find the garbage can to throw away the paper towel he used to dry them... so he used his 4 year old logic & put it in the toilet! No one knew why the toilet overflowed that night. It wasn't revealed until I witnessed him about to do the same thing the following week. Then we realized the garbage can was gone we asked where it was. My neice puts the garbage can in the closet because she gets tired of dumping out the garbage from the 1 can... it's too much work cuz there's no bag in the can & no one else is around to do it. So now she expects that everyone that needs to throw away trash in the bathroom make an extra trip to the kitchen to throw it awat instead. Hmmm..... please pray for her ya'll.
On a personal level I am sort of on a roller coaster because this week we will have the trial for my divorce. It will soon come to an end & everything will be out on the table. Although I CANNOT WAIT until it's over I realize that I will be grieving the loss of what I thought I had, what I should have had, the traditional nuclear (NEW-CLEAR...not NUKE YOU LAR!!)family of the mom, dad, kids, & the pet. Well, I might have it in the futre, but it's not the person that I thought it would be with. To be truthful I don't even know this person anymore. My daughter pulled out this picture that we took together at a Christmas party back in 1997. I can barely recognize myself in that photo, let alone the person standing next to me in it! I mean I can remember how we used to laugh together, but I look at that photo & I feel like it was all an act. A forced smile like that of the beauty queen in the parade. It's sort of sad. She wanted that picture for show & tell.... the assignment was to bring something you love. I feel like I sort of let the kids down because I didn't fake the love longer so the family could stay together. Please pray for me ya'll.
At the same time I feel relief that it will be over, I also feel sort of sad that it ends this way. But you know what... we can't concentrate on that. It's over.. let's move on.
Similar to how I made a big deal of the days when I started my locs. After 1 year, they were locs.. no doubt about it. Time to stop counting. Similar to my days since my breast cancer diagnosis. I just hit 5 years last week. As Pastor Rob says, it's time to stop counting. It's time to move forward.

I did meet someone, sort of. We met online. We speak everyday via telephone calls. He's already using that "L" word that I'm so scared of. It sounds nice, but I've told him I can only sit back, watch, wait & see exactly what it means. My perception of love for and from another man has been ruined & I was to relearn it. He says he has the patience to show me. We'll see.

But today I sit at home alone with a 1/2 dozen chocolate chip cookies, a glass of milk, and eventually (after the Oscars show) will have silence.

What a way to start the new year

2009-01-12T10:53:00.003-05:00

I heard someone at church say "Happy New You!" instead of Happy New Year. I like that.... it will be a new me this year. 2009 is so significant in so many ways. The biggest change of course is the change of our president next week. I am so excited about that. I still tear up whenever I view the exact moments on the news when it was projected that he would be our 44th president. Exactly 11pm EST after returning from our local news cut-in I was watching NBC news & there was silence. But there was a graphic that read 44th US President & had his picture. I was confused at first... asking myself out loud "What? He won? He won??" Then finally you hear Brian Williams announce that he had in fact won the state of California as well as Oregon & Washington....the whole West coast, which put him over the 270 needed electoral votes. HE WON! Oh I jumped around alone in my living room that night. I screamed. I cried. I called my mom. I called another friend that volunteered on the campaign & thanked her. My sister in Chicago called me around 2am. Oh it was such an exciting night. Next week is going to be even more riveting.

So Blessed...

2008-12-19T13:09:00.003-05:00

I cannot begin to describe what I am feeling right now... other than to say this past year has truely been a blessing. I know my life had been somewhat a roller coaster, but just like when you are on one & you learn how to bear the ups & downs... and you brace yourself for the downs you know are coming. In this past year my downs haven't really been all that bad!
I'm getting an understanding in prayer. My words are not as eloquent as others. Face it, I'm just not a very vocal person. But I'm happy my God knows that.... and knows what I am feeling in my heart. I'm learning to ask for the things I want... the things I need... to pray for the people I care about. I'm blessed enough to see these prayers answered in so many different ways. OH I am so blessed. I'm reaping the harvest God promised me.... take back what the Devil stole from me... and I rejoice today for I shall inherit it all! Thank you Lord.

I pray all of you following this blog, whether on a constant basis because you are interested in the things I say, of if you just stumbled across it while doing a search on locs, or kids, David Otunga (who is crossed off my list now... I've grown passed him), have a very Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hannukah, Merry Festivus (or whatever).... have a Happy Holidays!

Stolen Quiz.... 1 Word

2008-12-07T02:09:00.002-05:00

Where is your cell phone? Charger
Your hair? Loc'ed
Your mother? Sleeping
Your father? gone
Your favorite thing? Cookies
Your dream last night?unsure
Your dream/goal? changes
The room you're in? living
Your fear? Insects
Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive
Where were you last night? here
What you're not? dumb
Muffins? ok
One of your wish list items? Peace
Where you grew up? Illinois
The last thing you did?pack
What are you wearing? t-shirt
Your TV? on
Your pet? rabbit
Your computer? Compaq
Your life? hectic
Your mood? hurt
Missing someone? yes!
Your car? gone
Something you're not wearing? bra (LMAO... I gotta laugh at that)
Your summer? interesting
Love someone? yes
Your favorite color? PINK!
When is the last time you laughed? today
Last time you cried? recently

An explanation of silence...

2008-12-05T18:21:00.003-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't been very vocal lately. I've been rather hurt, upset, & not understanding why this happened. On a particular Sunday morning I was told that my friend's 9 year old son hung himself in his bedroom. Of course my 1st words were "NOOOO!!!" It's not possible. There's no way a 9 year old can be so distraught about anything that they seriously contemplate suicide... let alone carry it through. And I know his mother is a prayerful woman of God. So how can something like this happen. I can only imagine her pain... and I know I only felt maybe a tenth of that pain as I also have a son. I can't imagine losing him in a similar manner. So in a way I've been in a sort of grieving pattern for my friend's son. He will be missed... and we know he is with our heavenly father now, so at least we can smile about that.

So I'm trying to break the silence now.... trying to become more vocal & outgoing. I'm making new friends... or at least acquaintances. Still not dating, but sometimes wish I would. Honestly...sometimes it would be nice to know that at the end of the day there's that special someone that I think about who's also thinking about me. Maybe there is & I just haven't met him yet. Or maybe I met him & we just haven't solidified anything towards dating yet. Or maybe I just need to accept the fact that I'm just too chicken to put myself out there. Or too picky? It's alway too something... right?

So I recently decided to stop putting things off & do things for myself. Or course I always put God & the kids first, but I need to do nice things for me once in a while. For the 1st time since 2003 I got myself a new pair of glasses...and WOW. The frames are not black! My mom was shocked. I might just get another pair as well....for the sexy smart mom look. lol

Black Friday.... in more ways than 1

2008-11-28T21:33:00.002-05:00

I can't even go into too many details about it, because I'm exhausted! Yes there was a Thanksgiving celebration involving turkey. There was the family gathering around the TV to watch a movie. There was shopping...and there was a funeral. Thanksgiving will never be the same for me or my friend J. Let me get some sleep & I'll tell you what I can about it.

Something in common w/the President

2008-11-22T08:56:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately I think the new president & I will have something else in common. I mean we're both from Chicago (well, sort of), we're both black (well, sort of), both college educated adults & both affected by breast cancer in 1 way or another. Last night after I find this article online I met with a new acquantaince who after speaking for a few minutes had to ask me where I'm from. After I reply that I'm from Chicago, he gives me a sort of quizzical look. Then he says he doesn't want to insult me ... but I sound white!

Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy

Stunning Break with Last Eight Years

In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language."Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska."Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.

I just don't get it. Just because I speak proper English as my1st and only language...because I don't sound like Lil Kim or some rap artist...because I'm not loud & somewhat over-the-top like Oprah or Mo'nique...why is it that people think I sound white? Weren't there any black Valley girls that overused the words "Oh My God", "Like" & "Totally"? Ok, not comparind myself to a Valley Girl because I sure never said "Totally" as a response to any question or description....but really. How did I end up sounding white in everyone's eyes? I know how sometimes accents will rub off depending on your environment... but I've been around black people all my life. Even through college the majority of my crowd was other blacks, so HOW did I end up sounding white??

I beleive my daughter is going to end up w/the same fate. It's bad enough that I've doomed her to never being able to walk into a souvenier shop to buy anything with her name readily printed on it (it's not an outlandish name like Keylolo or LaQuisha, but actually a biblical name), but I see at 5 years old she has a real southern girl accent. LOL

A victim of amphibian assault.

2008-11-13T22:16:00.003-05:00

Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd say... but I was. I think I was the target of a hit put out by the frog gang of the Ft. Myers area. Already mad that I don't open my garage door for them to hop on in freely anymore... they staged their assault in a different manner... and it's definitely taught me a lesson in being kind to strange creatures.
Tuesday on my lunch break I hopped in the car & started to drive over to the Wal-mart store. While waiting at the intersection for traffic to pass I noticed what I think was a gopher tortoise about to leave the grassy area & walk straight into the 4 laned street to who knows where... but it never would have made it. On 4 lanes of traffic in lunch hour no one would stop for a turtle crossing... & I just didn't want to be a witness to a run-over so I pulled my car over, hopped out, grabbed the turle & put it back in the grass facing the pond. I didn't get a thank you or anything...but I know I saved it's life.
The next morning on my way to work, driving down a similar 4 lane road something SMACKED me in my right ear, then kind of slithered or crawled down my neck. No the passenger side window wasn't open, so it's not like someone threw something that just happen to fly through the window. As I was stuned and grossed out... not know what the heck that cold, wet thing I just felt was... I hurried to pull over to the side of the road. I had to investigate. I jumped out of the car & looked back behind my seat to where whatever it was could have fallen. I see my black nylon jacket now has tiny wet footprints... slime prints on it. Then it occurs to me...IT WAS A FROG and now it's in the car unseen! I have too much stuff in the car. I can't find it. I gotta drive to work with this thing possibly hopping around in the car to maybe hit me again! EEEEWWW!
So I open the windows & drive on to where I was going in the first place. When I parked & got out, I noticed the frog sitting on the front passenger seat next to where I was... sitting BY MY LUNCH BOX! Oh no, it's got to go. O called in to ask one of the techs to get a broom or something because I was not about to take my eyes off of it & I didn't want to touch it. While the tech sweep that thing out I racked my brain trying to figure out where it came from.. how it got in the car to begin with.. why it chose to jump on me!
It took a while, but I found the answer. There was an organized hit on that turtle that I saved the day before. He was the mob boss from the bog. Running thang down at the slough & the frogs had enough and decided to take him out. They made the arrangement for him to take that walk across that street to get hit, but good ole kind natured me interceded & foiled their plans. I was the target of a hit from the Frog Gang to get me out of the way. In retaliation they sent one of their goons to take me out that morning. He hid on the roof of the van where I couldn't see him and quietly slid inside when the doors opened...sticking to the roof. After I dropped the kids off at daycare ( cuz I guess he had at least an eighth of a conscious & didnt want the kids around) he struck. The mission was to jump on my face, blocking my view, causing me to lose control of the care and go careening into on of the many cow patures along the Daniels Extension, hitting of of the massive cows, totalling the van & possibly ending my life. Thank God he missed .. probably hit the side of my glasses instead of my face. God works in mysterious ways! But I know I will never again interfere in the war between frogs & turtles. Let them settle their own differences & leave me out!

Pt. II
11/15/08
After a night at the club... 3am...guess who makes a 2nd appearance, but IN MY HOUSE!! This is getting ridiculous.

What I REALLY wanted to say is...

2008-11-12T16:19:00.002-05:00

So I get a message that he intends to pick the kids up from school this Friday. Doesn't he work on Friday? Did his schedule change? I think it would have been nice to know that before I made my own plans with them... so I simply replied
Actually, I had plans w/ them for dinner w/some church folk. Can I just drop them off afterward as I've been doing?
NO courtesy whatsoever... I get this reply/attack from him
U done that thus far, controling my timeframe, what time r they going to b here
Why does every question I ask have to be about me trying to control something? I'm their mom! I can remember a certain Friday when he didn't even let me know that his schedule changed & they sat there at the daycare until 7:30!! So I try to co-ordinate pick-up and drop off times... is that wrong?
UGH!!! I JUST WANT TO GO OFF ON HIM SOMETIMES but I can't. It's not in my nature to do that until I have really been pushed. As a child of God I'm not going to let him do that to me. Instead I drop the plans I had & reply
Oh...my bad. Do whatever you like. I'll pick up on Sat. by 4pm.
but I need to get this off my chest in 1 way or another so what I REALLY wanted to say was:
That "controlling your timeframe" excuse is getting old... you need to come up w/ something new.
Are you saying you are off on Fridays now? Is this an every Friday you are off thing so I don't have to worry about transporting them for your weekend visits? Please explain to me how I am controlling your time on the weekend visits when I was not aware that you even had the extra time to spend with them? Last Friday's visit for example, had I KNOWN that you were home I would have agreed to let you take them Trick -or treating.. or let them miss out... whatever you chose cuz it's YOUR time. I didn't know you were home! All I ask for is the courtesy of letting me know when your schedule changes as far as your visitation times w/ them so that the pick-ups & drop off's can be properly co-ordinated and I don't go making promises of special plans with them that will be broken.

Controlling your time is the last thing I want to do, so go ahead & let the school know you are picking them up ( cuz I'm not controlling your pick ups, remember?). I'll pick them up by 4pm on Sat. so you can spend every second w/them before you go to work since time is such a priority on your visitation time-clock

Don't touch me....it hurts

2008-11-11T23:19:00.002-05:00

Today on my message board they talked about different quirks that people have. Some people can't stand when food touches. Some can't drink milk 3 days before the expiration date. One of my quirks... I don't like to be touched.
During the chemo stage when I was in the process of losing my nails... it hurt to wear socks. It hurt to type. It hurt to comb my daughter's hair. It just plain hurt to touch anything. Then there was pain in my shoulders.... where I just wanted to do the Nestea plunge into a pool of water or cotton candy or something soft... because everything just hurt and I just wanted to float for a while. And of course with everything I was having to endure at the time people would want to come up & hug me or at the very least a pat on the shoulder. I wanted to run... but it would hurt. I just didn't want to be touched at all.
In 2005 we had a family reunion that I was regretting because of the people I hadn't seen in years who would want to hug me. UGH... I almost didn't want to go at all!
Of course it doesn't help when the person that says they love you doesn't believe when you try to explain your pain... so they do things to hurt you even more.
So here it is 4 years later. I would prefer not to wear shoes or socks....but I will when I'm out. My fingers are ok, except when I'm braiding her hair. After a while I regret starting it & just push my way through it. My baby girl has to be pretty, right?
But hugs? Kisses? General affection? I'm still no good at it. The kids try to hug me... & I have to catch myself in mid-thought...thinking "do I HAVE to hug you again???". Yes... you're the mom, you HAVE to give hugs to the kids! And what about your new man? How can I have a man in my life without the hugs, kisses, & such? It's not possible. Maybe the issue is more of the fact that I can't initiate it. Then again I haven't had any real incentive to initiate anything recently. Nothing is happening. In recent months I've hugged a few people. I've enjoyed a kiss or 2. But I never started it. There's something about me that just draws people in.. and sometimes I just want to turn it off!
I'm taking baby steps. After a request for a hug...a long hug... a gentle caress...stroking my hair.. small kiss here...that's not so bad. Yeah- it all starts out nice...it's taking it further that scares me. It's letting someone get that close again that scares me. I don't know when I'll be able to do that again. It hurts to much. I told my husband it hurts...I've told others it hurts. Maybe I need to learn to be more assertive as I'm not being heard or taken seriously. Life shouldn't be so hard.
My daughter came up to me today & gave me an eskimo kiss. That was the sweetest thing I've had in a while. Minimal contact.

Historic moment..

2008-11-10T18:23:00.004-05:00

A clever little thing sent to my cell phone recently:

Rosa sat... so Martin could march.
Martin marched.... so Obama could run.
Obama ran... so our children & grand-children could FLY!

I really love that one. The feeling I had that night knowing that in the future I will be able to tell my son that he can go as far as he wishes...that there would be no excuses in him not succeeding but for himself.
I can't begin to describe the feeling I had the 1st time I saw the collective picture of the 44 Presidents... mostly in Black & white.... but of course they were all white...until NOW.
I hate that his race had become so much of an issue in this election... but this is America. They talk about his inexperience... his views on abortion... his views on foreign oil... blah blah blah... but you know it all came down to that 1 thing. I think the fact of bringing the controversy w/ Rev. J. Wright up again just a few days before the election was dispicable & showed just how scared the Republican party was. And felt they had to scare the rest of the country into believing Obama's former (?) church was somewhat racist & hateful. Hmmm...Point the finger & you get 3 pointing back at you!
I am glad that the country is willing to make a change for the better. Thank you America.

And stop sending out those hateful text messages... just cuz your candidate lost. Your horns are showing and it ain't funny.

Sorta Happy Halloween....

2008-11-01T19:06:00.009-04:00

Well at least they were happy. 2 costumes in 1 day! At school my son's class had a pajama party... costumes were not allowed. And just to make the morning easy my daughter had to dress as a character in a book they read . She read "Sleepy Time Ollie" so she also went to school in PJ's.

Later on we put on the official costumes. He was Thomas the Tank Engine & she was Dora the Explorer. I couldn't decide what I was. 1st I was just a red-head. Then I saw it looked pretty good so I became "Hot Mom". Then I got the sunglasses & became "Hollywood Mom", imagining living the life of J. Lo or Angelina. But gosh it got kind chilly for FL... down to a whole 74 degrees (BRRR!!!) My bare shoulders coudn't really take it so I had to add the sweater, then I thought about the newest buzz word. I became "SOCCER MOM" (especially w/ that chips & soda in hand!). I just wish I had a soccerball to go with it! Should have thought of it sooner.

The Pail List...

2008-10-28T20:35:00.003-04:00

SO I recently watched "The Bucket List" & thought it was a pretty good idea....but I have no plans of kicking the bucket any time soon. So instead I came up with a pail... something that holds things, right? The pail will hold my future travel dreams. Since I just came up with that idea tonight, I haven't really come up with the list. I do have a few places I've always wanted to go... things I've always wanted to do:

Go to Las Vegas with a group of friends.....just acting like we're 21 again. No complaints about anything, just party all night till I literally have to be carried back to the hotel room.
Go to DisneyWorld with the kids. I thought we would have gone on the Disney Cruise by this now... but going to the park will be fine. Maybe in the next year or two.
Ocho Rios, Jamaica. I want to go to a resort like Sandals... maybe even Couples ( if I am a couple). Someplace all tropical where I can lay back, have someone bring me drinks, maybe a massage by the ocean side with steel drum music in the background.
The Grand Canyon....I don't know why I always wanted to go there. Something about that red dirt, deep hole, the natural wonder of it all.

Ok...that's all I can think of for now....

10/30/08

add #5. Bora Bora, Fiji, Tahiti... one of thos tropical Polynsian Island type places...again where I can lay out feeling the tropical breezes & someone brings me a drink. lol

Some things you just weren't meant to understand...

2008-10-28T20:14:00.003-04:00

People. Is there ever any way you can ever understand why people do the things they do? I remember one of my favorite Tex Avery cartoons was a black cat that just wanted to get away from people. "They walk on ya.... step on ya...walk on ya...step on ya.. walk on ya.... and kick ya!". That cat ended up going to the moon to get away from people. Then he learned that things aren't always better on the other side of the fence ( planet?).

So I don't understand why people do the things that they do. Making a big deal of a legal matter, then when the mediation is scheduled to settle the matter they are a no-show. WHY?
To make statements to a mother like "Did you dress your kids warm enough today"? Would I ever send my kids out in the cold dressed inappropriately on purpose? I mean if I know it's going to be cold, wouldn't I make sure they had their sweaters? WHY?
Or these guys out there purposefully infecting women (and men) with the HIV virus. After asking her new prince charming to wear a condom, he complied, but somewhere during the act he removed it... thereby infecting her. Of course he's disappeared, never to be heard from again. The sad thing is that he's done this to several other women... and seems to be making his way across the country. WHY??? All I can say is thanks for the wake-up call. I hope I haven't come across anyone he's come across.
Or how about opening your life to someone...sharing your world... then suddenly without cause changing their mind and taking it all away. I know I've done it.... just cut people out of my life, but it was after my eyes was opened to the fact they cause more pain than pleasure in my world. No time for that. Would I apologize? No.... it was done for an appropriate reason. But recently a name came to my mind & I seriously wanted to reach out to her. She cut me out of her life for a selfish mistake. Selfish on who's part is still a matter of opinion.... but still it shouldn't have come down to "don't call me again". But then again, since she was able to jump to that so easily & no listen to what I was trying to say... yeah- I guess she was truly a leaf in my tree of life. Never mind....but it still hurts. To be on the outside looking into the area where you once stood...feeling like you've been kicked out of an exclusive club. I wonder if anyone has ever done the same to her?

Kanye was so on point!

2008-10-18T00:03:00.005-04:00

Those bass drums blasting in my ears... I wonder if my neighbor hears. It goes deep.. to the very core of me. I'm feelin' it.... but it wasn't clear til I hit the 2nd verse:

I'm not lovin you, the way I wanted to

I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true

I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move

I can't keep myself, and still keep you too

So I keep in mind, when I'm on my own

Somewhere far from home, In the danger zone

How many times did it take til I finally got through

You lose, you lose

I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to

See I had to go, see I had to go

No more wastein time, we can't wait for life

Which is wastin time, wheres the finish line

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down

You keep ya love locked down, you lose

I think this is on of those things where 15 different people will hear it & get 15 different interpretations from it. All I know is what it said when it spoke to me... and it was so on point. Thank you Kanye. I think I wanna dance now...

And on another but somewhat related point.... today I told a friend about the daily lessons I learn in life. Like the way I saw things before.... if there were something special that I didn't have & it was out of my reach at the time I deemed it to be rare & I would probably never see it again so I better enjoy it while I can. WRONG!

I was walking down the street & saw my 1st Bentley. Heard about Bentley's before. Seen them in movies. Seen them in rap videos (w/ rappers trying to front like they really won them!). I just never imagined I would ever be in a position to be close to one, yet there it is right in front of me. I snapped this shot thinking this was a once in a lifetime thing... I'll never be this close to another Bentley again. NO I wasn't trying to impress anyone with hair & makeup that day, can you tell? Natural Beauty Baby!Anyway.... walked about another 1/2 a city block & there's another one. Hours later I see another one in traffic. Guess they're not so rare after all... I just gotta know what I'm looking for.

Then I passed the Maserati shop. Never been around one. I know for sure I can't afford one. I don't know anyone that can afford one. I thought this will definitely be the closest I ever get to one so I better snap the picture while I can. Til today, a week later... I saw a silver one in all places the parking lot of Target. One of these days I will get it through my head that I am more than a conqueror... I can get things accomplished. If I want something bad enough, nothing it truly out of my reach. I mean dang...look at things I've done.... what I wasn't supposed to be able to do... and yet I've done it! Go ahead girl! Hold your head up! Do your dance! So yeah, like Kanye was saying...

No more wastein time, we can't wait for life
Which is wastin time, wheres the finish line

No one can tell me where my finish line is. I just hope it isn't coming close any time soon. In the meantime... no more wastin time....

I want to like you... for real... I do!

2008-10-16T20:35:00.003-04:00

Ever had one of those? I remember way back in the day there was this guy. We spent time after school at the mall. We talked on the phone. He would come visit me at home. He was a good guy...just not for me. There wasn't anything really attracting me to him. There's nothing wrong with that... everyone doesn't have that instant chemistry, right? So why does it hurt so much when you don't like someone as much as they obviously like you?
That poor guy kept coming around, kept calling, and calling, and calling...it seemed like forever before he got the hint. Then again, maybe if I wasn't a punk & just spit it out... just said "Hey, it's not working. You go your way, I go mine"? That's my problem... I have problems saying things that I know are going to hurt someone else. Even when it's something that really needs to be said.
That's pretty evident. I kept hoping that one day I would find the love that I once had for my husband... but eventually I just had to give up. Stop shocking it... it's dead.
At least now I'm older & somewhat wiser. I know when something has absolutely no chance of being what I want & therefore I won't waste my time. I'm not going through anymore of the "try it on & see if you like it" deals. If I go shopping... I know what I'm looking for. Next time I'm not settling for less. So if I even have to think to myself "What do I have to do to make myself like this person.... or to make this person like me"..I'm moving on.

My other John Witherspoon moment...

2008-10-16T19:34:00.002-04:00

So here it is a few days after I returned home from my fabulous trip & I start sharing pictures with friends and co-workers. Of course I am most proud of meeting Mr. Witherspoon on the street that day. One co-worker ( then another, and another, and another!) told me that Mr. Witherspoon is playing at a somewhat local comedy club in our area this weekend! DANG! But I already spent my $ & can't get a ticket (or a babysitter!). That's alright, I didn't have anyone to go with anyway, so I let the idea of speaking to him again go.

HA!! While driving in to work this morning, guess who's on the radio taking calls! So I called in...

"Hi John. Boy, it's a small small world! Do you remember over the weekend when you were on 5th St. and some crazy fan came over to you talking about being a cancer survivor & you took a picture with her?"

"Uh... yeah?"

"Well that was ME!!"

"WOW! What are you doing here?"

" I actually live here. I was just visiting when I saw you" and I went on to explain how I was just thinking about him in the few moments prior & then he magically appeared. LOL- it was great talking to him on the air. Now I gotta figure out a way to get this picture to him!

But you know, when I share this picture with some people they say he looks familiar, but they don't remember where they saw him before. We'll the biggest thing that sticks out in my mind was that he was Craig's father in the "Friday" movies with Ice Cube. He also played "Pop" on the Wayan's Bros. show. But like I said, I've been seeing him in bits & pieces on film since the 80's. I hope to continue seeing him for years to come.... we're losing too many good ones now-a-days. R.I.P. Uncle Bernie.

And you know..... R.I.P Melrose. I just found out today that my former neighbor mom passed on to glory this week. Its sad because of us 3 muskateers we've already lost our dads, & now we're starting to lose our moms too. After I got the news I went did exactly as directed by an old campaign slogan from the 70's... "Have you hugged your mom today?". I can say YES I HAVE.

Watch what you say & what you think.

2008-10-14T21:13:00.004-04:00

They say the power of life & death can be found in the tongue...the things you say. I think it is also found in the the things you think as well. I was walking down the street on Saturday and I saw a sign that had the word "EXQUISITE" on it. I think it was refering to some diamonds. So anyway, thinking of that word brought a tiny smile to my face, thinking of a comedy sketch I was almost 15 years ago with Robert Townsend, John Witherspoon, & others. A woman was talking about the dinner party they were attending & she said something about it being "Requisit too..". John Witherspoon's character tells her to "Shut the hell up Ruthie, you don't know what you're talking about". I don't know why that simple line was so funny to me... or why it came back to my mind so many years later. I mean that was somewhere around 1987 when I saw that!

So anyway, I continue walking down the street, minding my own business, when I look up into the doorway of what I guess is a hotel & who's standing there talking on his cell phone? JOHN WITHERSPOON!

I'm so shocked I whisper a loud "OMG!! HI!!" & he says hello back. Then I motion "Give me one of those Bang,bang, bang..." & he does. The same Bang, bang from the movie "Boomerang" that I love so much. Honestly, when I really need a good laugh, that does it every time. I start to walk away when it hit me. THIS IS A CELEBRITY MOMENT & YOU'RE LEAVING WITHOUT A PICTURE??? So I walk back, of course forgetting all my manners & not caring about him being on the phone, and ask him for a picture. Then he tells whoever it was to hold on & it it me how rude I was. I apologized & told him to go ahead & finish his call, I just wanted a picture if it's ok. Well, he said it was alright....and the even smiled for me! Another friend of mine says he doesn't know who's cheesing harder- him or me! And of course I immediately started thinking what other celebrities I could conjure up in this head of mine, but unfortunately I came up with none.

BRCA Testing

2008-10-09T14:29:00.002-04:00

As found on Webmd...
A breast cancer (BRCA) gene test is a blood test to check for specific changes (mutations) in genes that help control normal cell growth. Finding changes in these genes, called BRCA1 and BRCA2, can help determine your chance of developing breast cancer and ovarian cancer. A BRCA gene test does not test for cancer itself. This test is only done for people with a strong family history of breast cancer or ovarian cancer, and sometimes for those who already have one of these diseases. Genetic counseling before and after a BRCA test is very important to help you understand the benefits, risks, and possible outcomes of the test.
A woman's risk of breast or ovarian cancer is higher if she has BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene changes. Breast cancer is extremely rare in men but BRCA2 gene changes have been linked to male breast cancer and possibly prostate cancer. The risk of some other cancers, including pancreatic and colon cancer, may also be higher.1 The gene changes can be inherited from either your mother's or father's side of the family.

All praises due to God the Father. All Glory!! Thank you Lord! My test results of the 2 were NEGATIVE!!! My 2 children should be ok!

Doors closing all over....

2008-10-02T20:26:00.002-04:00

This is going to be one sad, sorry weekend for me. I need release. Releasing a lot of issues that I have, and had been hiding my true feelings. A lot of things are becoming final for me.
Ok - maybe not completely hiding this one, but as far as the loss of my marriage... I think I had been in preperation for that for quite a few years now so it's no big suprise. Although I'm sad at the aspect of the failure, that it didn't work, that I didn't get married with the intention of it ending before death did us part, I think I'm going to be rather relieved when it's all over. Positive aspect: What I thought was true love obviously wasn't. Now I have a better idea of what to look for and what to avoid.
We're losing the house... or rather we lost the house. Of course I couldn't keep it on my income alone. It was quite a struggle to begin with. Admit it, we bought at the wrong time. Is there a positive in this? Only that I felt pressured into buying a house at that time, so it became more of a "buy something quick... find something suitable & jump on it whether you really like it or not" type of deal. Positive aspect: Next time I buy I should be able to buy the type that I really want.
You know, I was told after my son there should be no more children for me. I thought it was because of the damage the boy caused on his way out (causing me to go into emergency surgery for repair!). The issue turned out to be a little deeper than that, and I didn't learn it until about 2-3 years later. It's because the type of cancer I had was hormone receptive. Having another child would increase the chances of recurrence for me. So really, no more kids. I honestly thought that I could just do an IVF with a surrogate if I found one... they just take the 1 egg released each month till 1 works out. Silly me. My friend explained last night how hormones are given so multiple eggs are ovulated & those are harvested & implanted. Hormones... the very thing I'm supposed to stay away from. So now it's final. My boy is my last child. I thought I was alright with just my girl & my boy.. what else was there to try for? But a while back I started feeling like I wanted another baby to care for & I figured the next man & I would do that IVF thing. Positive aspect: I'm still struggling with this one. Perhaps the fact of no more diaper changes?
UGH...you know what else is final? Just finding another man! lol I'm at the weirdest position right now. The guys that have shown interest are either much older, done w/ kids all together, my age & almost done raising their kids so don't want to start over w/ 2 small ones, or doesn't want kids at all. Oh, I didn't tell you about the "wants kids...just not the ones I already have" guy. Yeah- he got cut so quick I can't even remember his name!
The Tyler Perry movie "Madea's Family Reunion" had a character who had two small kids... and she wound up hooking up w/ a FYNE looking man that had a son around the same age as her kids.... AND he was cool w/ her being celebate! Where on earth did she find someone like that??? lol- if only I could be so lucky. But knowing how my life goes, there would eventually be another issue that makes the picture ugly. UGH! Positive Aspect: Being single isn't so bad... no one to check in with, answer to, 1 less bell to answer, 1 less egg to fry....
But today from where I sit I just feel like I'm looking down this long hallway... and every door I'm coming to that I think I want to go in is closing. Maybe I should stop, concentrate on 1 particular door, and make a bee-line straight for it. W/no distractions till I accomplish what it is that I want. Can I do it?

I will not focus on the problem....I will work toward the answer.

2008-10-01T21:25:00.002-04:00

When did I start doing that? It doesn't matter... it's time for it to stop. For so long I believed in hitting a brick wall, deeming it to be the end & giving up. I said to a friend once that a failure is merely an opportunity to try again. Why didn't I listen to myself? As soon as I find something in my way I tend to give up... like if it were meant to be there would be a clear golden path straight to it. What was I thinking? Anyone knows that if you want something bad enough, you will have to work at it. You don't give up for little obstacles in the way.
Remember I sent a message months ago..asking for a friend? I got one. There are obstacles there... and I threw up my hands in defeat a little too soon. I'm taking it back. I'm not done. A good friendship is too hard to come by... and sometimes friendships grow into something bigger, stronger, indestructable. I'm not done. So we're not the best best best friends that I dreamed of right now. The journey of a millions miles starts with 1 step. It's going to take time to get to where I want to be... and we're taking it slow. I'm not done, we just got started. I believe in my heart that he will keep walking with me. Who knows what can happen along the way. Along the way he will see how beautiful things can be as well. Stick with me.

Testing Testing

2008-09-25T21:47:00.002-04:00

Just a little something here....
Trying out my latest addition. I had 1 years & years ago... what ever happened to it I have no idea. But now I get to have some good clean wholesome family fun with it!

My Glory.. you lift my head.

2008-09-24T14:08:00.001-04:00

Psalm 3 1-6
Lord how are they increased that troubled me
Many are they that rise up against me
Many are they that say of my soul
There is no help for him in God!
But thou O Lord are a shield for me
My Glory, and the lifter up of mine head

I cried to the Lord with my voice, and
he heard me out of his holy hill
I laid me down and I slept
I awakened for the Lord sustained me.
I WILL NOT BE AFRAID OF TEN THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE THAT SET THEMSELVES AGAINST ME ROUND ABOUT!

YOu can guess what's going through my mind today.... but it will not trouble me again, I am tired of this... so tired of this over & over again, trying to do what's right while he thinks only of himself & not what's best. One day he will look back and see that the only one hurting him is himself, not me.

My pastor pointed out that this is taking up way too much of my time & energy... and he is soooo not worth it. NO MORE! I don't want to discuss it (besides with my new lawyer) any further. I don't even want to think about it anymore. As far as I'm concerned, it is finished. The Lord has been my guide. He would not have steered me the wrong way. I need not worry. It is done.

Roller Coaster ( of love?)- a sad reality

2008-09-22T20:25:00.004-04:00

Say What? Whenever I think of that song I think of my sister in Chicago. That was pretty much the theme song that let us know Barbeque Season is upon us! Well, basically anything Ohio Players... my sister loved grilling. For those who don't know, the Ohio Players made that song "Roller Coaster"... Red Hot Chili Peppers did a cover of it years later. Again not an original. They also covered "Higher Ground", a hit by Stevie Wonder. Hmmm.... why does this feel like the 5 Heartbeats all over again?

Anyway, today was very much a roller coaster day for me, and it hasn't ended yet. I don't know when it will. I knew this was coming... or I should have known it was. I just didn't think it was going to hit me this hard. I didn't know I cared. Today I came to realize that the posibility of my having another child, even through medical intervention (like a surrogate) is not a possibility for me. My blood work at the oncologist came back negative... I'm still in remission. Yea me. But when I mentioned the hormonal problems, the fact that the ob/gyn recommended a hysterectomy & such, he order the genetic testing that actually should have been done years ago. And now this test will tell us if I am a carrier of the gene mutation that causes breast cancer. If I am, then that makes is all the more likely that my daughter will have to fight the same battle that I had. Oh, I imagine my son may not be safe either seeing how men get it too.. and he could pass it onto his daughter. And what makes is hurt even more for me is knowing that I can't even offer the option of having someone else carry out a pregnancy for me & a future mate... that child would have the mutated gene as well. Her I was doing a bunch of research on egg preservation... freezing my eggs for future IVF treatments to a surrogate & it's not going to happen. 1st of all... it's $15000 a year, or maybe even $250 per month for just 6 eggs. Yeah, good luck in getting that paid. How could I want to bring another life to the world that would have to go through the same struggle? I feel bad enough thinking how I could have possibly passed it on to the 2 I see daily. Yeah sure they may find the cure soon... but I don't know that. I'm still struggling with today. Facing the fact that there will be no more babies carrying my DNA directly from me. And on top of that... it's sort of another strike against me in the future dating pool. It hurts. It's not fair. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but COME ON!! REALLY???
So today I'm feeling like I just may as well get used to the fact.... until another 5 years go by & I can possibly get another set of implants no man is really gonna be interested in me for the long term. It's a sad reality.
If by some miracle a man does come along that can appreciate me for all I've been through, I'll never be able to be the mother of his children... the birth mother of his children. It's a sad reality.
I'm a single mom of not 1 but 2 kids... 1 with special needs.... 1/2 a woman's body... and can't have kids. It's a sad reality.
Never mind that I was smart enought to earn a BA degree. Never mind the fact I pretty much do more for others than I do for myself. Never mind that I know how much I do, how much I put up with, for the man that says he loves me & I love him just as much. Never mind that I'm as good looking as Tyra Banks without the eight.. oops I meant Forehead. It'll more than likely never happen again. It's a sad reality.

What I need...

2008-09-18T11:27:00.004-04:00

Years & years & years ago I met this guy. He was PERFECT... probably stood about 6'6'', pretty smile, could dance... everything I had hoped for in a potential boyfriend. And on top of that... he was interested in me!! Oh I was so happy... until I learned the truth.
This perfect man that I started developing feelings for, that I was spending hours talking on the phone with, spending time after class hanging around with, just so close to completely giving my heart to... was being nice to me in efforts of getting to know my friend- the woman he was truely interested in in the 1st place, but in the meantime would take what he could get from me. Insert knife & twist.
It hurt..not like any other heartbreak I had previously, but I think it was the one that sent me into the box currently live in. No one could hurt me when I was in the box... and I couldn't hurt anyone else as well. I saw it as a WIN-WIN for the world.
Eventually after that I met the man that became my husband & I moved out of the box (probably just sub-let it to someone else). At least he was strong enough to bring me out. That was fun for a while.
Today I find I have moved back in. Well, not today but recently. My life is so much less complicated when I'm in there. I suppose if I were out & about it makes me more susceptible to the pain that people can bring. While I'm in there, if your intention is to cause me pain it gives me a small barrier... like I can see or hear it coming... and I have a chance to brace myself for it or protect myself from it. When I come across something that hurts me, I tend to not want to experience it again.... so I STOP! I mean I know people tend to get hurt when they learn how to ride a bike or roller skate... but sometimes the bike is just too big for you to handle or the skate wheels are the wrong speed ( too loose) for your novice ability. If you don't want to keep falling & hurting yourself, YOU STOP, consider how much you really want to learn this sport. Can you start out on an easier, safer, model & work your way up? Is it really that important for you to learn this sport at this time? Maybe it'll be easier when you get older... after some time has passed & you have healed up a bit. Yeah- I'm definitely not one of those "Get back up on the horse" type people. Throw me once - ouch. Throw me twice- it's gonna be a looong time before I let that happen again.
I'm thinking I need to make myself one of those count-down clocks to remind myself that I won't be dating until next year....no matter what. In the meantime, I wondered what it is going to take for a man to show me that he's truely, seriously interested in me & what if he wants to take it a step further than just friends. Somehow that lead me back to the past... thinking about that guy I was crazy about & the way he stomped on my heart. My favorite song at the time was "What I Need" by Crystal Waters. I could really feel that 2nd verse after an experience like that.

I said I'm lonely
And I don't believe
I've been waiting long
For someone to believe in

But I been talking
Been talking so long
I forgot what the hell
What I was talking 'bout

I'm uptight, nothing right
Can't eat, can't sleep
All night in bed I cry
Need somebody by my side

I feel my heart and soul
I feel the beat
I wish someone would give me
What I say, what I say
What I need, I need
What I need, I need
I need something to come over me
Lift me up and set me free
Someone who will give
What I need, I need
What I need, I need

I guess my needs haven't changed much since way back then. I get tired of doing all the work...making all the steps.... going the whole distance alone. If someone is going to be with me, he can't be on the fence about it. He's gonna have to jump over & drag me out. Hopefully it won't be kicking & screaming. lol But yeah, what I need is someone that is willing to extend their hand, grasp mine firmly, guide me where we agree to go, not allow me to go the wrong direction if he knows for sure it's wrong... the same way I would pull him back if he were going the wrong way. I don't need a father figure to repremand me. I don't need a son to tell what to do. What I need is a friend to walk with me.

Raining on my sunny day....

2008-09-16T19:05:00.004-04:00

I guess in a moment where I feel rather good about how my day is going, someone somewhere always has to come along (even if unintentional) to rain on your parade. Some people just can't help but do things to things really bring a person's mood down. Like to have them think they were missed and then only reveal that they were missed for 1 reason... 1 reason only.
Or once upon a time I had a crush on a guy... just a crush, not an obsession. And just like any other crush I've had it faded quickly... allowing me to finally see that he wasn't all that to begin with. He was just a guy. I wasn't even thinking about him anymore when someone felt they had to throw it in my face that he's now engaged. SO!! Newsflash bonehead...we get "ET" & "Extra" here in the US. I probably knew about it before you did anyway!
But anyway... yeah- it hurts to try and establish or re-establish as friendship with someone who eventually shows they are truely not your friend. My idol, Madea, has this line about people being like trees.... some are leaves, some are branches, and what we all really need are some really good roots. I guess this person was somewhere between a leaf & a branch, but definitely not a root. A root is something I will hold onto for life.

HE Has a destiny....

2008-09-14T19:03:00.002-04:00

I had another one of those proud mama moments today. Not only because he finally let go of my arm & kinda paddled his way around the pool alone today, but because of a song he chose to sing. Somehow after a bit of shopping at Winn-Dixie this afternoon I heard him sort of mumbling something. Then it appeared he was actually singing because he kept saying the same thing over & over again.

"Who Let The Dog Out? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?"

But that's not the part I'm proud of. I'm proud of his second selection... a song we sing every gathering at church. "We have a destiny".

WE have a destiny
I know we shall fulfill
We have a destiny
We're that city on a hill
We have a destiny
It's not an empty wish
For I know
I was born
For such a time... as this.

Then each other chorus is you have a destiny, I have a destiny, etc. Oh I am SO proud of my boy!

I can't be the only one

2008-09-10T22:53:00.002-04:00

Living a life of regret..wishing things of the past could change.
Like I wish I had never walked down that certain street at a certain time...but it's over.
I wish I hadn't said what I said to that person...but it's over.
I wish I hadn't gone there & done that...but it's over.
I wish I hadn't heard what I heard... but it's out there... it's over.

What can you do?

I refuse to continue living in the past. It's over. I'm moving toward the future..changing things along the way.

No more regrets.
No more feeling sorry for what I cannot change.
If I can... I will. If not, I'll apologize but I will not continue to live it. It's over.

Another level, another harvest
another day for you to manifest your promises
Another moment, another season for a
Breakthrough, breakthrough....

Funny... or maybe not

2008-09-08T19:31:00.002-04:00

So I get a phone call today from someone I didn't think I would hear from again. I disappeared on him (so he says) and it's nice to know that my prescence was indeed missed. We talked about a lot of recent events in our lives and eventually it got down to a sort of lecture on self esteem. I say I'm not dating anyone... not trying to date anyone... not looking to date anyone... & he says "No kidding.. look at how you dress!"
How I dress is a reflection of how I'm feeling that day... but for the most part outside of a work uniform or church clothes I will more than likely be seen in a baggy tee-shirt & jeans. " Why do you cover yourself up so much?" he says. According to him (and I guess others) its a part of the reason I don't have a man right now. I explain the tee-shirt & jeans are comfortable & sometimes I honestly don't WANT to be seen. I don't want the attention from others. When I do, I know how to dress. Just this past weekend I did something completely out of the ordinary... going out to Wal-mart in some tights & a form fitting shirt. Yup- I'm curvy & I didn't hide it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it wasn't like it something I need to hurry and do again. When I got home I immediately put my XXL tee-shirt back on. I said it once, I'll say it again. It's hard taking the tomboy out of the woman!
So my friend goes on about how I shouldn't have to hide myself.. I am a beautiful woman & should be proud to show everyone. Men are attracted by what they see. All those curves walking past... they would have to pay attention to me. Jeans & teeshirt... "ugh" he says. That's not the kind of woman that men look for.
Valid points.. true. But do I really want a man that was simply attracted to me because of the outline of my body in a short skirt or low cut top? Nah- you can keep that. What's important to me is that the man likes/loves me for who I am.. not what I can wear..what I look like. I want someone that can see what's going on in this damaged heart of mine & if he is not be able to repair it himself be willing to be patient & hold it while it heals. Someone to laugh along with me. I don't go looking for men based on physical attraction alone...I want to get to know the person inside. Hopefully my next man will feel the same. lol- see ya next year!

What's new at the zoo?

2008-09-06T10:17:00.009-04:00

So I finally got the courage or whatever it takes to take the kids on a trip on my own. No dad. No Grandma. Just the kids & their mom. We went to visit my friend and his son. Then we took our first trip to the zoo.

I was actually impressed that my son didn't freak out with all the big animals. It was sort of comical when a large bird walked out amoung us through the bushes & it scared him. The bird was walking all slow like "WHAT?? WHATCHU GONNA DO!!" lol Whatever it was it was large enough to stop those other people in their tracks.

He specifically requested to see the elephants ... repeatedly requested! "EHE FANTS MOMMY!! EHEFANTS!!" My daughter actually got the opportunity to feed a giraffe and she wasn't scared! Of course when we saw the sea creatures we couldn't stop singing the "Barbara Manatee" song from "Veggie-tales" in our heads or out loud.

The Zoo adventure ended on a cool note... stopping to see the orangutans & a baby came up to the window to say hello to us. Typical... it gravitated toward me sitting in the corner. Then I can only guess the Mama came over & put her hand on the glass. Then this big Simian looking one started coming over... and I announced it was time to go. I didn't want to stick around to find out if he liked visitors or not. Nevertheless it was a great outing w/a new friend. All the kids enjoyed each other's company. My daughter also got introduced to "Pee Wee's Playhouse" thanks to this visit... my friend has the box set DVDs that I didn't know existed until now. lol

Flirting Failure pt.2

2008-09-06T10:06:00.002-04:00

I've been informed that my definition of flirting has been incorrect all along. I thought flirting was the intentional do whatever I can to get this guy's attention so that he will want me! I didn't know that when I play around with my friend's hair it could be conceived as flirting. I didn't know that when I kind of hung onto those big guys in school... calling them my brothers... that was conceived as flirting. NO WONDER a lot of girls didn't like me!
Now the sexy talk...the inserting sometimes inappropriate comments into conversation... I know that could lead to flirting but I didn't know THAT in itself was flirting. I'm good for the witty comments sometimes...but I thought it was clear that I was kidding. Some people in the past took my comments literally. OOPS!
Boy, flirting is a dangerous thin line. I need to watch what I say & who I say it to. No wonder I had a lot of supposed to be friendships go wrong. I don't want that to happen again in the future, so I better tone it down.

Who am I kidding... if the urge comes you know I gotta say something.. like a friend hanging pictures asked me "Can you help me get this up?". There's NO WAY I can NOT comment on that! That door was wiiiiiiiiiiide open.

Flirting failure....

2008-09-04T22:40:00.003-04:00

I'm a pretty smart woman. I was an advanced student in elementary school (i.e. NERD), then a slightly above average high school student. I got a B.A. in Fine Arts. I watch Jeopardy & can answer a lot of the questions before the contestants (HA! Now that takes brains!). I even get British comedy like Monty Python that seems to be over so many people's heads. So why is it I cannot recognize when a guy is simply flirting w/me. When it comes to men I'm about as smart as a brick.

I can't for the life of me remember this guy's name, but years ago when I was in college I talked to a young man over the phone. He was one of those pretty boys... light skinned, wavy hair, hazel eyes. Looking that good there's no way he could ever be interested in me... so I just immediately put myself into "THE FRIEND ZONE". I thought nothing about him calling me or me calling him every night. Here it is bedtime...after midnight... and we're still talking. One night he shocked me by speaking in French to me. It didn't sound like the French he picked up in High School. He spoke it fluently. Now if only I understood anything that he said!

I immediately asked him what he said, but he kept telling me he'll tell me later. Maybe he was just saying that joke about "How do you keep an a-hole in suspense"? Oh well... that guy is officially in my "One that got away" pile.

There were others between him & when I got married. Being married for 11 years I completely fell out of the flirting game & forgot how to do it. I don't even recognize if it's being thrown at me. One day on my lunch break I met a truck driver that asked questions about my job (cuz I wear a uniform). Here I am telling him about what I do for a living & he's checking me out. I was shocked when he asked for my number.

I'm sure there are books on flirting out there. I need to study & brush up on the technique so that next time it happens I'll know how to respond appropriately.... be it run or flirt back.

{insert tire screech sound effect} WAIT A MINUTE!!! I'm not dating for another 360 days now! Oh wait... it's ok to flirt with potential friends, right? I know it's a dangerous line. I'm not perfect. But they say practice makes perfect! lol

She's dressed in black again....

2008-09-02T20:54:00.002-04:00

A friend of mine talked about Depeche Mode late one night when I was sort of falling asleep.. but when they played this song I immediately sat up. I REMEMBER THAT SONG! My college roomate kept playing that CD over & over again and I found it to be so depressing!! I never really took the time to listen to the lyrics. All I could envision was all the kids on campus with the black hair & black nails wearing Doc Marten shoes or boots wanting to look like the walking dead. But even with that vision I liked this song out of all on that CD.
For some reason today I feel like I should be dressed in black. Not the sexy black dress... but the black jeans, black tee-shirt, oversized black sweatshirt that all seemed to scream out "LEAVE ME ALONE I DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED". That's not really the case though. I'm feeling as though I want to just go to sleep & have everything that's bugging me just blow away. I wish it were that simple.
I don't remember what point of life I was at, but I know I wrote something about being lonely, but not alone. People around you all the time but you still feel like you're alone, you have no one. It's truely a sad feeling, but I know it's only temporary. I'm not alone, I do have friends. I have family. Next year I might have a man in my life ( HAHAHA!!). I'll be alright. I know I haven't hit the desperation of needing to have someone else to take care of me. But that's another subject & blog entirely!

..tell me are you up for the challenge...

2008-09-01T21:52:00.002-04:00

A while back I posted the lyrics to my latest theme song of my life, "DAMAGED" by Danity Kane. Somehow on a long drive back home from a wonderful trip I started thinking about those lyrics. That line in particular that says:

"You gotta gain my trust... trusting is not enough.

Actions speak louder than words, you've got to show me somethin'.

My heart is missing some pieces

I need this puzzle put together again!"

I thought about how if I really were the subject singing this song, how I would basically be putting all the responsibility on some other man to heal my broken heart. That's asking a lot, isn't it? It's not the next man's fault that I have issues with being touched... issues with intimacy.... issues with trust... issues! It's not his fault, but I at least acknowledge the fact that I do have those issues. I would need for the next man to understand that I am working on them & need him to have patience as I re-learn how to love. It's not going to be easy for me. I'm just now getting to the point of allowing people to hug me again... baby steps honey! I'm taking baby steps here. I'm still sticking to my self imposed rule of not dating til next year, but at least now I can acknowledge that I would eventually one day be able to share my life with a special someone again. I just need to clearly define exactly what it is I would like & pray God brings him to me. I mean if Pastor Roxanne could pray for a a light-skinned man of God w/ wavy hair... and whadya know, she finds Pastor Rob....if He will do it for her, He will do it for me too. I'm just not ready to ask yet!

From this day forward....

2008-08-29T23:20:00.002-04:00

You know.. before I met Dwain I was fine in my angry world. I wasn't interested in trying to date anyone. I wasn't trying to meet anyone. I was concentrating on school, work, & my kids. Then school ended... & I guess because he was looking for someone he convinced me that6 months alone after seperation was enough time to heal & it would be ok for me to date again. He was sooooo wrong.
So I followed his advice & started seeing guys & I can honestly admit that it is one of the greatest regrets in my life! I felt so much better... safer...in my box alone. No one to lie to me. No one to play Jedi mind tricks on me. I had my kids who needed me. I had ME that needed me. I didn't really need anyone else but Jesus at that point.
Well Dwain is gone... and I'm glad I never developed any interest in him in THAT way cuz it looks like I'll never see him again. I'll miss the talks though. & I'll miss his daughter. I think that cutie girl is the reason I even spoke to him in the 1st place!
So I'm pretty much starting over where I left off last year when I met him. I swore off relationships & dating. Said it was gonna be 5 years before I date again. Let's get real. I'm not dating til my birthday of 2009. Here it is in bold print... I'M NOT DATING UNTIL NEXT YEAR! So sorry Shemar... we can just be friends for now. Not that I was chasing or looking for that special someone... but I know have need to concentrate my efforts elsewhere. There's a poster above my bed that says it perfectly about the next man that comes into my life.

" A woman's heart should be buried so deep in Christ

that a man should have to seek him first to find her"

So that's where I'll be. If that makes me 'holier than thou' then so be it... deal with it!

Instant Editorial: Obama completes historical triple-play

2008-08-28T19:42:00.002-04:00

Much has been made of the fact that Barack Obama accepts the Democratic nomination for president today, on the same date that Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered “I Have a Dream.” The nation should take pride in that 45-year forward stride. But at it turns out, this is the third time Aug. 28 has marked a magical milestone. Because 53 years ago on this date, Jackie Robinson took his initial first step toward breaking baseball’s color line when he first met Branch Rickey.Tinkers-to-Evers-to-Chance was nice. But it doesn’t have anything on Robinson-to-King-to-Obama.
-- Deron Snyder is an Editorial Writer/Conversation Ambassador for The News-Press.

WOW... that is so cool that 3 historical things happen for the African American race on this 1 date. Yeah- I'll have to make sure I watch it tonight.
My mom & I were talking about how she used to save old newspapers for historical dates... like when King was assassinated, the Watergate scandal, I think she also saved when our 1st African American mayor of Chicago( Harold Washington) died in 1987. I guess I'll carry on the trend. I save the paper from Tampa on September 12, 2001. Headlines reading "Target: America" and September 16, 2001 "We Are at War". Those headlines still make me sad today..but I suggested we just cut out the articles & make a scrapbook of them. A can't imagine what a fire hazard a stack of 20 year old newspapers would look like. But these 2001 newsspapers, I'll hold onto the full issues.

All I have... all I know... is me.

2008-08-26T22:02:00.003-04:00

I participate on an online bulletin board...mostly about my kids & the relationships we have. There's also a cancer board... but thankfully it's slow going. No one has complained, no one stated any grief with anything I have said, but sometimes I really feel bad that I can't comment to help others out in their situation because I really don't know what it's like to be in their shoes, I just can't wrap my head around their situation because my head is already spinning about my own personal issues. Or because I'm in such a bad/unhappy area in my life I feel like my presence will drag others down as I have nothing good to say.
I have a group that all had kids in the same month... we call that the birth board. We were really tight, posting everyday, sharing jokes, sharing recipes, sending gifts, etc. Somehow my world just turned black & I cannot handle hearing/reading all the happy family news from them. They redecorate their houses while I struggled to hold onto mine ( foreclosure notice went up last week). They complained about their husbands not being home for a night or 2 due to work....you can guess how I felt about that. I'm not hating on them, but I just had to take a break. I go back & read every once in a while, but I honestly cannot keep up because of all the drama I have going on in my own life. My new home on the bulletin board has been the one for single parents. Some are starting to date after a dramatic break-up. Some are scared to start dating again ( or maybe it's just me). Some are dead set on not dating right now... they know they're not in the right place to do so ..... oh, wait... that's where I am. Not in the right place to start dating again.
Just like when I joined the birth board & had trouble remembering people's names, I have the same problems on this board. Some people stick out in my mind though. We seem to have quite a bit in common.
But back to what I was saying... on both boards you have people that post about certain situations in their lives where they need help. I can't help myself. I want to help them, but I actually cringe when I see I've written "When I did that..." or "If I were there..." or "I always wanted". ME ME ME!!! I feel like everyone is going to think that I'm trying to make everything about me... and I'm not. I'm not that self-centered... I guess I just never learned how to effectively communicate that I can relate to certain areas.
And when someone has a problem that I REALLY have no experience with.... it just tears me up that I can't help them. I don't know how. At least I know how to listen when someone just needs to talk. THAT I can appreciate. For quite some time I had been wishing I had someone that would listen to me when I speak... lol... the few moments that I do speak. Well I did make a new friend recently. I listened to them.... they listened to me...we shared a few laughs as well as a few tears. I hope this really is the start of a great friendship.

Goodbye pal

2008-08-23T17:16:00.003-04:00

I hate when this happens. Just when I think I've got a new friend, it turns the other way & it's not to be. Or at least not the friendship that I wanted. Earlier this year I met this guy. We talked, we hung out, he helped me w/ issues around the house, I listened & gave advise about his love life or lack thereof. I thought things were going pretty well. We would talk once or twice a week. We saw each other every Sunday at church. Nothing going on between us... just friends. Heck, we didn't even sit together at church so I don't think this was a case where I was getting too close or he was getting too close & then we ran.
What I think happened is he went & got a real GIRLFRIEND. A woman introduced herself to him & they started spending a lot of time together. He didn't talk to me about the other women he was dreamin about anymore.... then soon he didn't talk to me at all. No more phone calls... no more drive by visits. He sits w/her at church now. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want to be a 3rd wheel.
I'm not hating on him...but just rather disappointed. I was good enough to listen to his stories about his long distance relationships w/ women across the country or out of the country. He gets into 1 locally & I'm basically pushed out. It just would have been nice to know that my friendship w/ him had some sort of value, but like Madea says...people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Guess he was just a season. Hope it works out for him.

YOU ROCK!!

2008-08-21T20:16:00.003-04:00

It's nice to have a team of cheerleaders behind you in life. I've never been a big player on a sports team. I've never been in the top 10 percent of the class (top 12 maybe). I can't say I've ever had this experience before...and at the same time it leaves me feeling like "What did I do that was so special?". Today I started my annual fund raising for the American Cancer Society's "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" event. I posted my personal page for donations on another community bulletin board along with a quick wrap up of all the things I had to face while undergoing cancer treatment (because I'm new & they didn't know me then). I did get a few donations & a big YAHOO post from someone I call a friend:
Ouida - I freakn' BOW TO YOU!!!!! You are so amazing. Every time I read your story I am truly amazed an honored to call you my friend. As all the others have said, it's not just that you beat this..... but that you beat it with your beauty, smarts, and sense of humor in tact!!! You are just amazing!!!! I was so proud to be able to light a luminaria in your honor when my aunt walked in the Relay for Life.
Seriously, whenever I get down, or start to feel sorry for myself, I think of you in that beautiful pink gown, grinning from ear to ear, getting ready to dance the night away, and you keep me out of the pit of depression. Not only did you beat cancer, but you have a kick-azz crazy cool job, you are rasing awesome kids, you deal with a knucklehead ex, and you manager to look like a super-model doing it AND you can maintain a sense of humor through it all!!
ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY OUIDA!!!!!!

LOL- stuff like that really makes my day. I love that I can share my story to get the attention of women across the country (or even the globe) to bring awareness to this cause. I love that because I suffered at a young age my story serves as a reminders that it doesn't only occur after the age of 40... it can happen at any time. I mean I didn't intend to become a Breast Cancer poster child or anything... but if it helps someone else along in their journey then so be it. I had 2 women that helped me during my time & am happy to help anyone else I can in this situation. But you know during times like this where I'm feeling some something (or someone) continually tried to beat me down, others remind me of how smart & strong a woman I am.

I SO TOTALLY ROCK!!

So...if you enjoyed my blog & want to support me in my efforts for the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer event...please make your donations here.
Ouida's Making Strides Page

I've also ordered a supply of metal caribeners in the shape of a Pink Ribbon. I used my plain one to hold all my keys & clip it to a belt loop or onto my purse (the few occasions I carry one!) I am selling them online for the cost of $6, and of course all profit goes toward the Making Strides event. If you would like to order one (or ten) please post & let me know. Just wondering if the idea would be worth it for me to establish a Paypal account or not. BTW- there's no inscription on the 1's I ordered.

Mommy..... Grandma.... head!

2008-08-15T22:34:00.010-04:00

Let me preface this by saying I love my mom. She has helped me out in so many areas I can't count.... but come on. Sometimes you can take it too far.

You all remember my son. He's 4 years old & he was recently diagnosed with autism. He has always had an issue with loud noises. We cut his hair for his 1st birthday, but afterward I felt as though we were torturing him with those clippers as he would scream, yell, & cry everytime they were even turned on.... so I allowed him to grow his hair out.

Well I recently decided to start cutting it down to prepare him for frequent trips to the barbershop. No clippers yet, just a low afro. And yes that is the pick w/ the fist in the back of his head...can't rock a 'fro with out for at least a few minutes! lol

Well why did I come home from work the other day & arrive at Grandma's house to find this??

Don't get me wrong... he's still a handsome little boy & this was the ultimate goal anyway, but she didn't even discuss it with me! And of course he cried & screamed at the clippers went around his head, causing him more distress to the point I'm not sure he wants to see grandma anymore. As we got dressed to go to her house for the past 2 days he's whimpered the same statement to me. "Mommy....Grandma, Head" as he rubs where his nice 'fro used to be. He's telling on her. Kinda like "She kicked me" or "He took my doll". He's clearly not happy w/ it.... but at least he is starting the school year w/ a fresh new look. Thanks ma!

Busting a Liar....

2008-08-11T19:15:00.003-04:00

So this past weekend was his scheduled visitation weekend. I got this email on Wednesday afternoon:

I will be unable to get the kids this weekend due to the fact that my team has been activated to go to an institution in northern florida I will not be back home until sometime next week, upon my return home I would like to talk with ou about getting them, I don't know if you remebered or not about my responce of their school, I am reminding you that I would like to go before I have to go to work that day, I will let you know exactly when I am home when I am on my way back. Sorry for the short notice

So just out of the blue I happened to call his ex wife in Chicago today to ask her about an unrelated event.... and she tells me how he's on his way BACK to her house to drop off their child. Then he walks in & she handed him the phone.
"Hello"
"Uh... yeah. Hey. So when are you coming back home?
"Huh?"
"When are you coming back home?"
"I'll be home tomorrow."
"Alright then."

She says I made her day being able to witness his face fall to the floor. My problem is not with him taking that vacation.... it's the lying about having to work so he could get out of the visitation. I mean I have had to switch dates with him before.... it shouldn't have been that big a deal where he felt he had to lie to me. OH YEAH... he lies to everyone, I forgot. Plus I'm so big & powerful I would find some way to use this against him, right? EVERYTHING IS ALL ABOUT ME! lol

You know it is just so so so sad that he feels he had to lie about such things. I mean really? At what point did I ever say he couldn't go on vacation? He has been working for more than 1 year... he deserved it. Maybe because he took his new girl to meet the family? I wonder what the reception was like. But anyway....I just don't understand the purpose in lying about this.

Wow... a fun day!

2008-08-03T22:50:00.004-04:00

I sent a balloon with a message a few weeks ago..asking for a few new things in my life. 1 thing I really wanted was a friend. Not necessarily a boyfriend or romantic interest, but a friend. Looks like I may have found one!
He's going through pretty much the same thing... a single father of 1 boy dealing with the hurt & pain associated with divorce. He's devoted to his son. Not very often I see a dad devoted to their child that way...I think he may be the 2nd I've come across. Anyway, his son is off on visitation w/ the mom & he's kinda lonely at times. I get kinda lonely too when my kids are away, so I told him whenever he was bored & REALLY wanting to play w/ some kids he could come hang out w/us. Suprising enough to me, he took me up on that offer!

We both live in Florida. The sad thing is that in all this time I STILL have never taken my kids to the beach. They've played in the sand at a lake, but never in the real beach...at the Gulf of Mexico or Atlantic Ocean. They had a ball running back & forth from the water back to their sand toys. I also learned quite a bit about the little critters that live in the sand as well... like sand fleas & coquinas. But wow- a whole 2 hours of nothing but fun for the kids & 2 adults. No tears or tantrums from anyone... that is until it was time to leave!

In the car my friend played a CD that he's in love with... & I think I may have developed a small crush as well, lol. It's the artist Suzanne Vega...& it's basically a greatest hits compilation. It's not music I listen to everyday, but I would listen to it. Then came along I think it was track #4....OMG!!! That's the song I absolutely LOVE from that movie "The Truth About Cats & Dogs". Yeah, the song is called "Caramel". GOD I wish I had that on my iPod right now.
So in short, it was really nice hanging out w/this new friend. It took a while for the kids to warm up to him ( and there's still more warming up to do) but we all had a good time. He's so cool. Now if I ever found out that he's a Monty Python fan I might start thinking of him on another level! lol
Pictures to come...when I have the strength to get the camera out of the bag!

Ever get to that point....(another open letter)

2008-07-31T22:38:00.006-04:00

Where you just don't care about not hurting someone's feelings anymore? Ever get to that point where you feel you really need to say what you want to say... get it off your chest? Ever get to that point where you want to tell someone you once admired how freakin' stupid they are?
Somehow I'm the bad one in this divorce, simply because I won't play by his rules. Yes we had an agreement for week long visitation between the kids & their dad for the summer. That agreement was made last summer. That agreement was made based on the contingent that his schedule was supposed to change to allow him to be home with the children during the evenings. Right now he works 4pm-midnight. The kids are in school during the day. Does it make sense for them to spend the rest of the day with a babysitter??? WHAT KIND OF VISITATION IS THAT?? I wouldn't care if the babysitter was their own grandmother... my mom or yours! If 1 parent is not available for more than 8 hours a day & the other parent is, the kids should be with THE AVAILABLE PARENT! It just makes no sense to me....
And we got that diagnosis of autism to deal with. The dr. told me he didn't think week long visitation between two houses was a good idea. His report even states that "With his medical needs he will require a consistent environment with a high degree of predictability". Yet you want to put your son through 1 week here, 1 week there, back & forth just so you can punch a custody time card! I find it very interesting that you claimed to want to be involved in these dr. visits, but never made a single appointment until AFTER I told you that the dr. didn't think the week long visitation was a good idea. I guess you came in to see if I was telling the truth ( and after being married to me for 11 years you should have known I don't lie like you do!!). And now you want special dr. visits for you & your girlfriend to have therapy with OUR son... without me.That's very beneficial for the child... thanks! Not only that.... you are wasting the 20 allowed visits by my insurance for your selfishness. Do you care??? Of course not.
You don't think of anyone but yourself & it's not fair. Not only to me... I'm not even thinking about me at this moment. THINK OF YOUR KIDS! You know what... think of your girlfriend for a minute. Was it fair for you to have her at court with you today... standing out in the hot 90 degree weather waiting for you to come out because you didn't want her in the court room? Was she supposed to be unseen? Was I not supposed to know your entourage made a 2nd court appearance? Tell them if they don't want to be seen then they shouldn't appear! Either that or maybe hang out further than just 2 blocks away from the court house. DUH! All of you deserve each other.
I hope one day she surfs the web... or maybe you will read this, think it's funny & show her, and I hope she will see this as a warning as to the type of man you are. I don't know how many times I had been warned & I fooled myself into thinking "Oh, he wouldn't do me like that.... they just don't understand him". "He only lies to them because they always try to hurt him... he wouldn't lie to me..." Girl, be thankful you are too old to have kids w/ him... but before he digs into your money (if you have any) RUNNNNNNNN!

Pathalogical Liars...

2008-07-28T18:39:00.003-04:00

Why don't they ever realize that they do more harm to themselves than good? I mean do they ever take the time to even think about the nonsense that they lie about?
My husband... soon to be ex husband... has told lots of lies through out our marriage. As a matter of fact I think the downhill slide of the happy marriage I was in was the very day that my eyes were opened to the fact that he would lie to me the same way he lies to everyone else.
So our son had a doctor's appointment scheduled for this morning. Over the weekend I emailed him (because simply talking to him does me no good) to ask if he will be taking him to the doctor or if I should just pick him up. After all, he did say he wanted to be involved in his therapy. He responded that he would take him. Then around 8am I get a call from him that he needed to get his car worked on, so he wouldn't be able to join us....I needed to pick the child up to take him to therapy. Ok... no big deal. I pretty expected him to flake out on us again anyway. What I didn't expect was to be shown the truth when we arrived at the doctor's office. That he had set a seperate appointment for our son to attend therapy with him and his girlfriend with out my presence. He has yet to just come out & say to me that he doesn't want to do the therapy with our son with me... he'd rather be a sneak about it.
I am rather let down that this big supposedly strong man that I once admired, loved, and possibly looked up to is now behaving like a coward, scared to be in the same room with me. Is it really that bad??
Well the silver lining in this will be that our son will get twice as much therapy because once the divorce is final, dad will have to establish his own insurance to cover the extra visits he wants.

1st a Barbie Girl....

2008-07-19T21:40:00.003-04:00

Now I'm a Cover Girl. No, not the make-up. I made it as a model on the cover of a magazine. Even though the magazine is unpublished, it's still a magazine & look.... it's me on the cover! lol
I should just print these for prosperity. BTW... notice I did by the tee-shirt especially made for me!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

2008-07-19T21:34:00.002-04:00

Doncha just love it when you voice your opinion about something.... thinking the conversation will go no further than the few people involved... only to find the person who is the subject of your conversation was standing within earshot? lol

Well let's put it this way... I'm glad I'm not the type of person to say things to 1 person & then can't back it up when confronted about it. If I said I liked you... then I did. If I said I didn't like you, well let's figure out WHY I don't like you, then you can decide if it's worth the time & effort to get me to like you. I am generally a very friendly person. I pretty much like everyone until I am shown a real reason NOT to like you.

Ok, I'm somewhat rambling here... but I know what I'm trying to say. I guess I'll give it another try when my head clears.

MY Last Dance?

2008-07-15T10:15:00.003-04:00

So this past weekend a cousin of mine was visiting and we did some out of the ordinary for us clubbing. Growing up we were both going out to the clubs.... just never together! We had a great time dancing on the same floor sort of together and dancing w/ other people. Kinda like a group of friends all dancing together. Then of course there's some moderately slow song comes on & this guy grabs me by the hand to dance w/ him. As I'm swaying w/ him I'm completely not thinking about him at all ( sorry if you're my stalker and are reading this). Instead I think about how they do those waltz type dances on "So You Think You Can Dance" or "Dancing with the Stars". How those dances look so romantic. I thought about some of my favorite slow songs to dance to. I'm so old school- I thought about the Temptations "I'm Glad There is You" and "Some Enchanted Evening". I remembered one particular evening where I tried to get my own husband to dance w/ me at home to that song. Here I am trying to be all romantical (lol) and you know, it felt just the same as dancing w/ this stranger.... no real feelings at all. Well, at least I know I tried to spark some sort of romantic feeling before the marriage ended.
Another thing... I love how couples do those turns & dips while they're dancing. I always wished I had a dance partner that could do stuff like that. Last year I asked a friend how mine how do men manage to dance & twirl a woman like that. He used me as an example and pointed out that I have to let go of the control... let the man lead. Sure enough when I stopped thinking about what I wanted to do and just moved along with whatever he wanted, there we were. Dancing & twirling around like I had always wanted to do. So all I had to do is let go & let the man lead. Now I have clearly identified my problem.... I haven't found a man that I trust enough to lead me where I want to go. No man on this earth anyway.

My love life as a movie

2008-07-11T11:46:00.001-04:00

Your Love Life is Like Titanic

"Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless."

You think that you only really have one true love in your life. And that you better to anything and everything to be with that person.

You tend to be very nostalgic about past loves that didn't work out. There are many secret feelings that you keep to yourself.

Your love style: Deep and emotional

Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Bittersweet

What Movie Is Your Love Life Like?

My interpretation: Long, drawn out, entertaining but sad at some points, but leaves you feeling very hopeful & empowered. LOL

Don't worry- I'm not a stalker

2008-07-10T14:08:00.003-04:00

OK, it's been a full week since that latest discovery of a wonderful guy by the name of Khari. I put my feelings out there, without a care as to who sees them. It's how I felt at the moment.
I can honestly say the initial crush has died down a bit ...when reality hit me that he's clear across the country & highly not likely that we would give any performances in my neck of the woods. Plus I don't beleive I would be his type anyway. If he is looking at all, I don't think I would be what he's looking for. But that's my issue w/ myself. I'll get over it.
In the meantime, it was nice to at least experience that joyous feeling of "OMG you are so fine you gotta be mine!" for even a few moments. Now I can get back my real assignment, in really re-discovering who I am, what I like, and what I want!

So Khari da Poet- I'm loving your work. You're good at what you do. I'm sure you get all kinds of emails, texts, notes, smoke signals from across the country from women stating "You wrote that poem just for me!! Thank you- I'm YOURS!". LOL, don't worry about this one here. I'm not your latest stalker. You won't wake up in the middle of the night & find me sitting at the edge of your bed watching you sleep. You're safe. But I'll continue dreaming of one day actually being able to see a performance from you....amoung other things .

Internet Crush??

2008-07-02T20:46:00.007-04:00

Could it be?? Is it possible?

Curvy and Confident - Khari

The artist/poet is Khari. Khari da poet.

My sister introduced him to me last night over dinner. At first I wasn't really paying attention, but his voice commanded I do so. His presence had me glued to the monitor. He had definitely entered my mind... and there he stayed. So I spent a conciderable amount of time finding him all over the 'net... mostly on myspace and as a member of Black Planet. He's definitely got his face out there- hope he doesn't mind my slight attempt at helping to promote him
It's been 24 hours now & I find myself daydreaming like I used to back in the wearing 1 glove for my future husband Michael Jackson days. I can't say I've felt this way in a while & I haven't even met the brutha! Well maybe I should just spend a little time into trying to make it happen. With today's technology, who know's who might be willing to hook me up!

Hmm... some may ask whatever happened with Punk? Yeah I would be nice to meet him... but honestly Punk didn't touch me, he didn't speak to me, he didn't do anything for me like this brutha right here! Sorry... but I'm still waiting for him to contact me anyway. COME ON DAVID!

Where are you?

2008-07-01T23:03:00.008-04:00

Hmmm.... recently someone commented that they visited my blog & didn't see any pictures of me. That tells me 2 things. I've been spending too much time just talking about what's on my mind... what's bothering me... and that person didn't bother to go too deep into the blog! DUDE!! It started out as a hair blog- nothing but pictures of me!! lol

Well here's me on a night when I felt really cute. I was on my way out... to the club of of course. I can remember having a lot of fun dancing that night. Still disgusted that guys don't know how to dance w/ a woman without having to grope her, but it's alright. My 2 legs still work & these Converse Chuck Taylors were made for walking. NO I DIDN'T WEAR THEM WITH THIS OUTFIT but you get my point.

2 of my favorite things pictured here.... my favorite friend & my favorite hat! We've been best friend since Kindergarten....she's stuck w/me now!

A friend of mine sent me a You-tube link to a video from an artist named Taurus Riley. The name of the song is "She's Royal". That night the song truly lifted my spirits... simply because of lyrics like :

She’s royal, yeah so royal

And, I want her in my life.

I never knew anyone so one-of-a-kind,

no...The way she move to her own beat

She has the qualities of a queen, She’s a queen so (supreme..2)Ooo Ooo

what a natural beauty

Nuh need no make-up to be a cutie...She’s a queen, she’s a queen

And when they ask what a good woman’s made of

She’s not afraid and ashamed of who she is?

She’s Royal, yea so Royal.

And I need her in my life. Never knew anyone so one of a kind

Until the light that I see in her eyes...

Oooh, sing it brother man! Finally I felt validated for not being a make-up slave! Special occasions... sure! But I'm glad that there is a man that can recognize a beautiful face without all the war-paint that is pushed on our society today. Thank you Taurus.... and thank you...you know who.

So my question today... it where is the king that can truely appreciate the unhidden beauty seen before you? lol That's alright. I'm just looking for a friend right now anyway.

Tune in next time when I talk about the Prototypes I've created....

At least I can still smile in the rain....

2008-06-29T15:18:00.004-04:00

I had the bilateral mastectomy in 2004... & I choose not to use the prostheses' anymore. I just got tired of the whole ordeal so I just go around flat.
Recently at a party a woman came up to me & just plainly asked "Where are your titties". I was stunned. I have 3 pink bracelets on my left wrist. I thought people would have taken the time to notice that & then put 2 & 2 together before saying something like that to me. SO instead of going off on her, I simply stated they are in a jar in a lab somewhere being studied. Then I think it hit her that I was a cancer survivor.
This past weekend another survivor ( that I suspect was drunk) came up to me & told me that I wimped out!

"You shoulda had the reconstruction done! Silicone all the way baby!"

Hmmm.... if only she had asked I would have been able to tell her how I did have the reconstruction, & got a staph infection a the site of the port that didn't get correctly diagnosed till 5 months later when my skin started tearing.... yeah, I wimped out. Does being a survivor give you some increased sense of bravado that you can say & do anything you want? If it does, someone please let me know when I can start being so insensitive to people.

OH YEAH- I'm going through menopause a lot sooner than I thought I would, so that time may be coming soon! Hold on to your hats!

OH... that's the hard part of being single!

2008-06-18T19:09:00.006-04:00

At least for me it is. I forgot about this, but in all honesty it shouldn't make that much of a difference... it's not like we were really into the same sports anyway.

Last night I had the sort of unfortunate experience of watching my proto-type boyfriend Kevin Garnett win the NBA Finals with the Boston Celtics. I sat here & watched it alone. No one to talk trash to. No one to chear with. As a matter of fact... now that I think about it.. if a friend had told her husband to HOOK ME UP WITH KEVIN like I asked her to at the beginning of the season I would have actually been at the game! PLEASE invite him to my house when he comes to FL next season! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE GIRL!! lol I'm not y0ur common NBA groupie... it's a Chicago thing w/ me & him!

Although I was very happy & proud of Kevin ( he went to HS in Chicago, you know), for the 1st time I actually wished I did have a significant other to watch the big games with. I spent the Superbowl watching the game with strangers.... who later became friends, but still... strangers. Now the NBA Finals were spent at home alone. It's just sort of sad, that's all.

I'm Reaping the Harvest God Promised ME...

2008-06-15T14:21:00.003-04:00

Take back what the devil stole from
And I rejoice today.... for I shall recover it all!!

That's a line from "Faithful is our God" by Hezekiah Walker. That line never meant as much to me before as it does right now. Today I am battling.... seriously fighting.... this issue of anger. Fighting to tears... and I HATE IT! I am not an angry person... and I hate the fact that I have been pushed to this emotion!

Last night I went out to my favorite hangout with the intention of dancing by myself (again). I choose to dance by myself because for some reason the guys in this town don't understand when a woman DOESN'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED! A part of the problem may be the music being played now-a-days. I won't get into the raunchy lyrics because they are too many to list here, but let's just say I am not at the stage of life where I get a thrill or excitment in what's supposed to be dancing... where a guy is just ramming his crotch against me!! EEEWWW!!
And to dance with a guy that starts out w/ a little hand holding.... ok, that's acceptable & pretty much expected depending on the music. But fella's... let me give you a hint if you didn't already know ( and clearly a lot of you in SWFL don't!!). If you're dancing with a woman, trying to hold her close & she keeps backing away from you, won't hold any eye contact, keeps looking at everyone dancing around her(& NOT AT YOU!!!), and while she's dancing seems to be scooting away from you.... ugh, maybe she doesn't want to dance with you!?!?! Maybe she doesn't appreciate you trying to caress her skin ( or being molested on the dancefloor). It's situations like this that make me think maybe I should try going to a gay male bar to dance... then I can pretty much be guaranteed that no one will touch me ( that is unless there are lesbians there as well).
So I'm angry about that... but more anger comes in during a simple trip to the bathroom. While doing the responsible thing of washing my hands after using the facilities I placed my purse on the sink next to me & turned to use the hand dryers on the wall. Don't you know this woman had the audacity to pick my purse up & try to walk out with it!!!! I grabbed her by the shoulders & said " UHH.... EXCUSE ME!!! That's mine!" She replies that she was just playing. Hmmph. I told her I am from the South Side of Chicago.... you DO NOT play with a woman's purse like that. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE ON ME! I mean really...she didn't know that I'm a Madea in Training & she was really close to a real fight w/ me. I hate that I was brought to a place where I felt I needed to fight for what was mine. On top of that, what she was stealing has no real monitary value... it's a knock-off Prada bag! Maybe worth $20, but in these hard times maybe $20 would mean something to her. That's besides the point... IT WAS MINE! SHE HAD NO BUSINESS PUTTING HER HANDS ON IT! To know I was so close to being the victim of a crime makes me mad. And here it is like 12 hours after the fact & I'm still mad about it! I really need to let it go. Hopefully I will never run into that woman again.
And then today is Father's Day. Happy Father's Day to any father that may be reading this. My kids are at their father's house today. I don't have a real issue with that. My issue right now is all the fathers at church this morning. All the fathers I see every Sunday at church. How come my kids father can't be like that? I thought that was what I was choosing when I selected what was supposed to be my life mate- A Christian man. Although my own father did not go to church with us, he made sure that WE did go. I resented him for that, but at least he made sure his children were being raised in the Christian faith. I want the same for our children... and it makes me angry that I seem to be the ONLY ONE that feels that way. It bothers me when I can't go to church on Sunday mornings... or whatever day of the week I have to worship the Lord if not on Sunday. It appears he could care less about going to church. When we were together I had to MAKE him go to church with me. I HATED THAT! Now he's out on his own & the kids are with him. He doesn't seem to care that the kids don't go to church while they're with him. I HATE THAT! Sure they say their prayers & grace while with me... but what happens when I'm not around? If, God Forbid, something ever happened to me... will my children not learn about God & his Son because they are with their father? It irritates me that he lives 5-10 minutes from the church where we attend & he doesn't feel it necessary to bring them to church! I'll have to get a court order stating the he needs to bring the kids home on Sundays, or at the very least bring them to the church on Sunday Morning after his visitation. It's really burning me up that my kids aren't in church for no good reason than their dad just didn't feel like bringing them!
UUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! There's nothing I can do... I have to let it go. Let GO.. LET GOD! Didn't I say that a few months back? LET GO... LET GOD! MY SISTER, you can't handle it. LET GO... LET GOD!
Lord, please help me today. The devil is clearly messing with me because I am clearly getting closer to you. Devil, please leave me alone. Lord, please continue to watch over me & my kids. Please help me with my daily conflicts, my struggles, my problems. Help me to remember that I am indeed stronger than I thought I was. Help me to realize that I am not a doormat to just be walked on... that I am a strong woman. One to admired & loved. When people try to bring me down, help me to keep my head high...higher than they can reach. Help me.

Hurting myself & didn't know it.

2008-06-13T22:50:00.002-04:00

Well after so many people saying how wonderfully strong of a woman I am...after all I've been through...I should take the time to remember that I am after all a human. If you cut me, I will bleed. Somehow I got convinced I was Wonder Woman & I ignored what should have been a red flag for a major injury.
2 months ago I moved out of our house. Of course I had to do most of the packing myself. I can't remember exactly what happened, but I can sort of speculate on a slight memory I have. If I remember correctly, I dropped the extender leaf from my dining room table on top of my left foot. Yeah....OUCH! But instead of possibly even thinking that a bone in the foot may have been broken or fractured.... I kept working! I would get this pain on the side of my foot & wonder why my foot is hurting... I didn't even remember how I hurt it to begin with.
Fast forward about 2 months and the on again off again pain that I had became constant....affecting my stride and making me walk like a pimp! Not very attractive for a woman of my stature...so I decided it's time for me to go see a doctor. Thank goodness after examining the x-rays they determined there was no break or fracture, just a bruised tendon. AAAAHHHH!!! BUT IT HURTS!! So now I have a prescription for Darvocet...a narcotic I haven't had since my cancer treatment days. Have you ever looked forward to taking a pain killer in your life?

Stupid people

2008-06-05T11:28:00.002-04:00

I have my level of sarcasm and it aggrevates people sometimes.... but really! Some people really do ask stupid questions and & they should just walk around with a sign to let other people know that they are just that stupid! lol. I work for the local sheriff... in the video department. I got a call on my extension yesterday from someone reporting a brush fire. I suggested he hang up & call the fire dept. but he said he didn't know how! Uh.... hang up & dial 911!!! At that point I just felt sorry for him & walked the info over to communications where they put the info into the system...after we all got that quizzical look off our faces!

Here's more examples of stupid people needing a sign... a friend emailed this to me the other day:

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. Okay, no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign.until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge. Here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends. The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

I just wanna say....

2008-06-04T12:09:00.002-04:00

I wanna meet your boyfriend...(Open letter)

2008-05-19T20:21:00.003-04:00

Dang, divorce can be so ugly. This started out so amicable, but now .....wow. It's getting ugly in here.
A few weeks ago I was greeted with a sort of growling/intimidating request.
"And I want to meet your boyfriend"
"Huh?"
"I said I want to meet your boyfriend! You got a problem with that?"
This request has thrown me for a loop. Honestly. A boyfriend? After what I just went through I'm supposed to have a boyfriend now? What makes you think I even HAVE a boyfriend anyway? I'm not the one that packed up, faked living w/ a friend & almost immediately moved in with someone new...not only that, but introducing the kids & having them spend the night in her place... all the while deceiving their mother to think you were staying with another friend. Oh what a tangled web...you tell one lie followed by another and another. Don't you ever get tired of it all? I mean really!

I'm happy you did find someone else that's willing to put up with the lies, the BS, carryout all your demands & such. So so so happy for ya'll. But my boyfriend? Why after all this time do you ask to meet him? What difference does he make in the scenario at this point? You see... kinda like that Kelly Clarkson song...

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk.
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt.
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me....

So sorry to disappoint you, but you won't be meeting my boyfriend any time soon. Why? Cuz I have to meet him first!

The standard has been set SO HIGH now I'm not sure if I'll even be able to date again... but I'm not worried. The next man in my life....whoa, he's gonna be something special. Much better than anyone I had before. Now I ain't sayin' I'm a gold-digger.. but I ain't messing w/ a broke..broke...
Anyway.... sorry to burst your bubble.... but I'm not like you. I'm not in a rush to hook up because I cannot stand on my own. I'm taking my time so I can get it right this time. And if I ever fall in love again, I will be sure that that man is MY FRIEND! Not sure you even know anything about that.

And David- unlike all the other groupies you have.... I wasn't trying to DATE you. I'm not your type anyway. I just thought you would be cool people to be friends with!

OK for real now... I've Changed!

2008-05-14T12:07:00.008-04:00

I've never been the sort of person that is always looking for attention, but when I do something different it's nice to have people that notice even the slightest change. Today was not one of those days. In some ways it's nice to know that the change was so subtle.... and it wasn't one of those jumping up & down screaming for attention type of things. You've been through my pictures before... you know what I look like. Let's see if you even notice.

Nope? Still don't see it? Well, yeah... the camera is sort of out of focus. That's what happens when you are forced to take pictures of yourself BY yourself. UGH! Times like this I wish I did have someone else around. Oh yeah.. my daughter is becoming a photographer. I must post the recent pics that she took around the house... including her Monkey Money Bank & her brother. It's interesting to see what subjects catch her eye that she finds facinating enough to want to take pictures of them. Maybe for Christmas this year she can get HER OWN CAMERA & leave mine alone. Either that or I will someday learn to just put my camera away somewhere she can't get to it! lol But you know it could be worse.

Oh yeah... the change. Man I have a way of running off on tangents not related to that actual subject. Ok... here's a hint. If you knew me somewhere around 2001-2002, this isn't anything new, but it hasn't been done since then. I just thought I'd give it another try. Here's the hint... before & after:

I KNOW I'VE BEEN CHANGED

2008-05-06T23:06:00.004-04:00

Mark this date... May 6, 2008. I have truly found God. We close our eyes & send our prayers up to the heavens... but they're going the wrong way! Send your prayers to Witchita, Kanasas! Our God is there! It was in the newspaper, so you know it's true!

SING-ALONG-WITH ME!

2008-04-25T08:57:00.002-04:00

Yup... this is the thought of the day:

DAMAGED by Danity Kane
[Shannon:]
Do-do you got a first aid kit handy
Do-do you know how to patch up a wound
Tell me, are-are-are-are you-are you patient, understanding?
Cause I might need some time to clear the holed in my heart and I

I've tried every remedy and nothing seems to work for me

[D. Woods:]
Baby(Baby), this situation's driving me crazy(Crazy)
And I really wanna be your lady(Lady)
But the one before you left me so

[Chorus 1:]
Damaged, (Damaged), Damaged (Damaged)
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is Damaged (Damaged)
So Damaged (So Damaged)
And you can blame the one before

[Chorus 2:]
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
Baby I gotta know
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
What are you gonna do
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
Baby I gotta know
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
What are you gonna do

[Aundrea:]
Do-do you got a first aid kit handy
Do-do you know how to patch up a wound tell me
Are-are-are-Are you-Are you patient, understanding?
Cause I might need some time to clear the holed on my heart and I

[Aubrey:]
You try to gain my trust(Trust)
Talking is not enough
Actions speak louder than words
You gotta show me something
My heart is missing some pieces
I need this puzzle put together again

[Chorus 1:]
Damaged, (Damaged), Damaged (Damaged)
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is Damaged (Damaged)
So Damaged (So Damaged)
And you can blame the one before

[Chorus 2:]
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
Baby I gotta know
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
What are you gonna do
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
Baby I gotta know
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
What are you gonna do

[D. Woods:]
Can you fix my h-e-a-r-t
Tell me can u fix my heart
Cause it's d-a-m-a-g-e-d
Don't know it's damaged
Can you fix my h-e-a-r-t

[Aundrea:]
Tell me are you up for the challenge
Cause my heart is damaged

([Chorus 1: x2]
Damaged, (Damaged), Damaged (Damaged)
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is Damaged (Damaged)
So Damaged (So Damaged)
And you can blame the one before

[Chours 2:]
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it

[Aubrey:]
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged

Feeling like Cherelle...

2008-04-22T12:07:00.002-04:00

Oh yeah... back in the 80's when I was in grade school. Things were so simple &... innocent. I wanted to keep it that way, but some guys just wouldn't let me.

The same rings true 25 years later! I know I'm not the same innocent person I was back then... I mean I have not 1 but 2 kids now... who am I kidding? But still, just because I've done it at least 2 times in my life means I'm supposed to just give it away to any guy that offers to buy me dinner or give me a hug? Come on now... you've got to be kidding!

I got another call the other day from someone offering to come by for a visit... he'd be here in about 3 hours... after midnight. OK... if you really think a long drive is deserving to sit on the couch & watch a movie or hold hands..come on through, but nothing else is happening. Don't you know he hung up! lol Actually I wanted the video for " I didn't mean to turn you on..." but it's unavailable.

I love how you can always find a song to relay how you are feeling about any situation!

Mama Bear is concerned & frustrated!

2008-04-16T13:20:00.003-04:00

My son is OBSESSED with singing songs from his favorite 2 DVDs.... the Underdog theme & "Tomorrow" from Annie. Isn't it funny how a few months ago I complained he wasn't talking... now I just wish he had other songs to sing, even though he's still not talking clearly. I mean just out of nowhere, eating our McDonalds last night (tax day sale, buy 1 get1 for a penny).. he takes a bite & starts :

"Da sunnle comout... TOMORROW....dunnnadunnadunna TOMORROW....eh ee sun!"

I kinda like this part...

"TOOOOO-MORROW...TOMORROW...NI NUHYA ....TOMORROW..eeeeonee a day aaaway"

A big improvement from nothing.... but we need new songs!! Do your kids have favorite musical movies? Please give me suggestions. I love the fact that he's motivated to sing & it's helping him develop more of a vocabulary.. but MAN I wish he would latch onto more songs than just those two!

And now that I type out his pronunciations of these lyrics it adds to my concern that he may be on the autism spectrum. Last year he was tested by the local school board & they called is a speech & developmental delay. No... I think something a little more than that is going on here. I mean he's like a normal 4 year old in so many aspects, but then shows so many signs of autism as well. He may be a high functioning autistic or I think they call it Ausberger's Syndrome. I have to look it up. We should know more soon...he's scheduled for more testing this month. Pray for my boy ya'll!

I Am STRONG... I'm Invincible...

2008-04-14T17:03:00.003-04:00

LOL! I gotta tell ya'll..this weekend something happened that made me feel so strong in the strangest way. Someone that I kinda had an eye out for but haven't talked to in months called. But it was after midnight on a Saturday! OH WOW! It was was my 1st real Booty-Call in almost 13 years!! LOL!!
So what was so empowering about that? Well as much as I like the guy & was interested in him... I told him no. :) Not only because my kids were with me this weekend & I won't subject them to such behavior, but...gosh darn it I deserve more than the treatment he was offering. Couldn't think about me all day until after midnight.... UGH! He probably won't call again... and that will show his true colors & it will be fine w/ me.

Holier than who??

2008-04-14T16:38:00.006-04:00

Recently someone made an attempt to insult me. The remarks made were that I was acting as if I were " Holier than thou". To that I say "THANK YOU".
It means that there has obviously been a change from the woman I used to be. That it is obvious that I am living my life in a more Christianly manner that I was before. That I'm not faking it... I must be really doing it. For that I say THANK YOU and I'm sorry.... your attempt to knock me down yet again has failed.
"But thou, oh Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head."
"I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people that have set themselves against me round about"
You can keep trying... but you cannot & will not hurt a child of God.
I don't feel I'm holier than anyone. I am a sinner. I always have been... and as long as I'm human I believe I always will be. But there is a difference in the way I lived before & the way I live now. I am SO GLAD that the light is bright enough to be seen through all my troubles, pain, & the turmoil I go through...that someone can see that I am at the very least TRYING to be a woman of GOD.
I know I'm not there. I'm not perfect or anywhere close to it. Each day I try to take 1 more additional step towards my Lord & Savior. There is evil all around & it's hard to resist... but I continue fighting it.
Lord, give me strength.....and give me David Otunga too!!
I AIN'T FORGOT ABOUT YOU MAN!!

One...Two...Three...JUMP!

2008-03-19T20:10:00.002-04:00

Ever been bungee jumping? I never have...and probably never will. But I can imagine what the experience would be like for me. I'll be all excited about the fact that I'm going to go.....wow..I'm really gonna do it! That is so cool. And then while standing in line I'll wonder what I am doing this for..what am I trying to proove? Who am I trying to proove it to? Is this something I REALLY want to do or is someone making me do it? Is this one of those challenges that I hate to back down from even when I know I should? I'll get closer & closer to the platform & have more & more questions about why I'm doing this. I mean it's supposed to be fun, right? You like that thrill of falling through the air. This is gonna be so cool. Ok-now you're on the platform.. do you fall facing forward or backward... SO MANY QUESTIONS!! Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my brain cuz I think WAY TOO MUCH! This is what you came all this way for.... this is what you paid the entrance fee for...just turn around & close your eyes if you're scared to look! UGH!!
Now is the moment of truth.... are ya gonna do it or not?????

Man...these things are scary sometimes :)

Becoming an author...

2008-03-08T10:29:00.000-05:00

I have decided.... I'm going to write a book. When I was younger I used to keep journals. They contained my thoughts of the day, my dreams, my fantasies, my imagination gone crazy at times. But when my writing was no longer decorated with rainbows & daisies, I stopped doing it. Now I find it necessary to start again.. & this time have it published! I even came up with a very appropriate title.... "THE BS I PUT UP WITH!!"
I just wish I would have started writing while I was going through chemo, but I honestly didn't want to remember that time of my life. I concentrated more on my daughter learning to speak, my newborn son...learning everything around him. I didn't want to remember the shiny bald head, so I took no pictures. I didn't want to remember the pain I was feeling in my shoulders & back... or worse yet the pain of almost losing my nails on both hands & feet. I could have taken pictures of my fingers when they were all bandaged up, but there I was at work...typing with my pinky & a pen. Hmmm... PINKy... there's that color again!
But after chemo, after surgeries, after this, after that...it really hit me that I put up w/just too much BS in my life! Maybe if I document it, it will warn others to stay away from the potholes I've previously fallen into. Maybe my words will help another become stronger. Maybe someone will just finally listen to me & justice will be served! UGH!!

Looks like they need a book too!

2008-02-17T13:59:00.004-05:00

So here I am wondering why things don't work out for me w/ guys.... why we seem to want different things & can't come to agreement on certain things, I find that some men are just clueless on certain matters regarding dating!
I will continue to add to my list of different men I've come across as time goes on. You know... the list I started a few months back.
Last night I ran into 2 more characters, same name, but different characters.

The "CAN'T GET A CLUE" guy.
I have a preference for tall guys. Afterall, I'm a tall woman. If I were going to choose the guy I want to spend time with, I'm sorry but I would prefer someone taller than me. So last night at the club a guy who I kid you not was literally eyelevel to my chest kept trying to dance w/me.1st of all...he just comes out of nowhere from behind me, grabs my hands & starts moving w/ me. HMMMM... cute, but no thanks. I move away. He follows me. I continue moving away. It got to a point where I felt like I was being chased on the dance floor & I had to mouth the words "HELP ME!!!" to another man that just happened to look up! lol He came over & I turned to dance w/ him. I thought he would have gotten the point. NOPE! I'll give him credit for persistance, but in this case no means NO!
The "GIVE ME A CLUE" guy. While dancing by myself (as prefered) and the DJ transitioned into another song I see him coming my way again. OH NO!!! I turn & see another guy, about 6'1'', muscular build, & kind of moving along to the beat at the edge of the dance floor. No time for introductions, this is an emergency! I grabbed him to dance w/ me & he was happy to oblidge. Funny how I didn't mind when he wrapped his hands around my waist or held me close. He even bought me a drink afterward! Wow, nice gentleman... maybe I can get to know this one? NOPE! Maybe he was committed already or maybe he's just a real gentleman. I won't know till I see him again, IF I see him again. He thanked me for the dance & said he was leaving for the night. Maybe that was my cue to offer to leave with him?? If so, I'm sorry... I wasn't gonna take that one anyway! But maybe I'll run into him again one day.

Love?

2008-02-06T19:56:00.000-05:00

I can't supply the video this time... embedding disabled by request. But here's the link & here's the lyrics:
LOVE by Musiq Soulchild

Verse 1:
Love....
So many things Ive got to tell you
But Im afraid I dont know how
Cause theres a possibility
Youll look at me differently
Love
Ever since the first moment I spoke your name
From then on I knew that by you
being in my lifeThings were destined to change cause

Hook:
Love
So many people use your name in vain
Love
Those have faith in you sometimes go astray
Love
Through all the ups and downs the joy and hurt
Love
For better or worse I still will choose you first

Verse 2:
Many days Ive longed for you
Wanting you
Hoping for the chance to get to know you
Longing for your kiss
For your touch, your feel, your essence
Many nights Ive cried from the things you do
Felt like I could die from the thought of losing you
I know that youre real
With no doubts and no fears
And no questions

(hook)

Verse 3:
At first you didnt mean that much to me
But now I know that youre all I need
The world looks so brand new to meNow that I found love
Everyday I live for you
And everything that I do
I do it for you
What I say is how I feel so believe its true
You got to know Im true
(hook x 2)

See what happens when Valentine's day comes around the corner....dang it. I hate this time of year. MAYBE DAVID CAN HELP ME CHANGE MY MIND??? HOOK ME UP W? ONE OF YOUR ATTORNEY FRIENDS AT LEAST?!?! lol j/k I will continue to mention your name til you contact me in one way or another.... keep playing the waiting game if you want to!

Oh... & by the way, here's my follow up:

Introducing a friend....

2008-01-30T08:09:00.001-05:00

This beautiful woman is Adanita Ross. She was originally a coworker/friend of my neice. Eventually she became my friend as well. She kind of kids me about my obsession with David Otunga and such, but when we are not working hard at our jobs we will email each other constantly about life situations. She's so cool she even let me make her into a cartoon!

Of course it doesn't hurt to kind of latch onto someone that is so talented! When she blows up I will be able to say " THAT'S MY FRIEND YA'LL!!"

OH COME ON NOW!!! I GOT PUNKED!

2008-01-28T13:24:00.001-05:00

In 2007 I have truly learned how blessed I was.... things were really coming around for me. It's sad that certain aspects came to an end, but in truth it was coming for a long time & I was dragging my feet about it. But that's neither here nor there. Someone out there is PULLING MY LEG!! Then again I guess I set myself up for such...I mean when you are such a fan, can you really beleive when the actual celebrity comes calling? Like that " LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!" guy... has he met her yet? So today I sign in & find a comment left on the 1st page dedicated to my latest celebrity crush... guess who. Haven't you been reading in the last 2 weeks! It's David Otunga...aka "Punk" from that show "I Love New York II" on VH1. Yeah, a comment from David. I'll beleive it when he emails me personally a photo that cannot be found on the several .Myspace pages that are floating out there! I'm not trying to marry the guy, I'm not trying to start a romantic relationship at all (not that I would refuse if he offered!), but I thought he would be a nice person to know. And I think he would like to get to know me as well! I mean come on! Everyone that has gotten to know me in some way or fashion has not regretted it one bit! And everyone can always use a new friend, lol. So yeah, DAVID... if it's really you Holla back.

MMM... Pineapple!! FINALLY!!

2008-01-24T12:09:00.000-05:00

No, David didn't call or write me yet... but I'm still hoping :) David, you're missing out on a great friendship here! Think about it! If you ever had to come visit sunny SW Florida you know you'd have a place to stay!

I say finally because I can really see the growth in my hair since the fall out of cancer treatment in 2004. 4 years now...& today I can finally pull it all into 1 ponytail! I got my Pineapple as Brunsli called it!

And that is my PINK sweater hoody I got from the American Cancer Society as a thank you for my fund-raising efforts last year in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer campaign. I didn't know that they gave out great stuff like this when you raise some serious bucks! That gives me even more incentive to raise more $ next year. Maybe I'll start my campaign over the summer for the event in October?

Still no call... no email... no nothing

2008-01-22T15:51:00.000-05:00

DAVID OTUNGA!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!!
A friend of mine hooked me up with the song " Stormy Monday". We were talking about the music we listen to when we're in that "Woe is me" mode. He just went through a divorce & here I am going into one....so he kind of guides me through the upcoming emotions I may experience. As bad as this may sound, I just haven't been this blue yet. I haven't had time with everything else going on around me...

How Hard Can it Be??

2008-01-20T09:09:00.000-05:00

Meeting new friends... trying to be more sociable... and failing. I don't understand how people do it. I've never actually met up w/ people outside of a work or school setting. My friends are usually people I worked with or went to school with. Or maybe they are a friend of a friend that I worked or went to school with. There is one exception... my Internet friends.
I have groups of fellow moms that I will share thoughts & laughs with. What's our common bond? One group all had kids in the same month, the other group are all single moms. In both groups (of all women) I'm not the ring leader or all that outgoing, but they seem to think I'm a comedian! They think I'm funny, without even trying. Yeah, I like to make people laugh...but given my present situation I'm trying hard to make myself laugh and haven't really had the time to entertain others.
And you know, me being the tomboy that I am, I always thought that I got along better with men than I did with women. I guess the tides have turned. I can't seem to make ANY real male friends. I do still have the few friends I worked with, but they are hard to keep in contact. If I approach any other males, it's automatically taken as some sort of foreplay or something. Since when did "Hi, my name is........" become a precursor to " Do ya wanna get funky w/me... do you wanna wanna, do you wanna, do you wanna wanna? Men these days are getting real hard to figure out, & I just don't feel like wasting the short time I have on this earth in trying to figure the puzzle out. Let me tell you what I've come across:

The Looking for friends guy- yeah he wants to make new friends like I do... but doesn't care to communicate. Doesn't like sitting at the PC typing, so emails or online chatting is out. Doesn't like sitting on the phone. I guess I'm supposed to stay in touch by snail mail.
The Looking for the one that makes me laugh- claims he likes to laugh, have fun, likes to smile, very adventurous, the perfect gentleman. I guess I need to set up my mic & comedy routine for this one. Kinda hard performing for an audience that won't participate. Any comedian will tell you how they kinda get fed from the audience energy...so when we talk & all I get are 1 word answers... it's hard to build comedy out of that, sorry. What am I supposed to do, tickle you with a feather? What am I... hear to amuse you? I don't do props, I'm not Carrot Top.
The I'm so Into You guy- I'm on the fence about this one. The problem may have been my issue alone, or maybe he really is a psycho & I needed to get away from him. I met this one guy one night at a club. After being felt on & groped by other men ( they thought that was dancing!) I finally found a guy that didn't have to be in my personal private space in order to dance WITH me. I thought that was so cool that I hung out with him for the night. He seemed nice, so we exchanged #'s to stay in communication. Of course in the very beginning he got the mandatory speech that I just wanted to be friends, wasn't looking to start anything... and he said he understood. Within 2 days he's asking if he could come over & give me a bath & massage. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Is this the sort of thing friends do for each other?

I'm too tired to post more... but there are others. You know there are.

Oh David, I'm still waiting to hear from you