1/2 a dozen cookies & some silence...

Dang, I didn't realize how long it has been since my last post. Well, besides being all happy about the events of 1/20/09 I've kind of been going through other things that prevented me from properly expressing how I felt.

Well my neice is currently dating a man that is approx. 20 years older than she. He is about the same age as her own mother. Ever since she's started dating him she seems to have gotten more & more disrespectful to others while she feels she's mearly stating her opinion. One day while driving somewhere w/ her mom they got into an arguement that escalated to the point of my sister getting out of the car & walking home. Hmmm... the only time I can even imagine my mom & I agrgueing to the point of me putting her out of my car would be if she ever said something like the God we serve wasn't real & prayer is a waste of time. I don't know if my sister has worked things out w/ her daughter as of this date. I know my neice still has a few screws loose though. Last week my son was washing his hands in the bathroom & couldn't find the garbage can to throw away the paper towel he used to dry them... so he used his 4 year old logic & put it in the toilet! No one knew why the toilet overflowed that night. It wasn't revealed until I witnessed him about to do the same thing the following week. Then we realized the garbage can was gone we asked where it was. My neice puts the garbage can in the closet because she gets tired of dumping out the garbage from the 1 can... it's too much work cuz there's no bag in the can & no one else is around to do it. So now she expects that everyone that needs to throw away trash in the bathroom make an extra trip to the kitchen to throw it awat instead. Hmmm..... please pray for her ya'll.
On a personal level I am sort of on a roller coaster because this week we will have the trial for my divorce. It will soon come to an end & everything will be out on the table. Although I CANNOT WAIT until it's over I realize that I will be grieving the loss of what I thought I had, what I should have had, the traditional nuclear (NEW-CLEAR...not NUKE YOU LAR!!)family of the mom, dad, kids, & the pet. Well, I might have it in the futre, but it's not the person that I thought it would be with. To be truthful I don't even know this person anymore. My daughter pulled out this picture that we took together at a Christmas party back in 1997. I can barely recognize myself in that photo, let alone the person standing next to me in it! I mean I can remember how we used to laugh together, but I look at that photo & I feel like it was all an act. A forced smile like that of the beauty queen in the parade. It's sort of sad. She wanted that picture for show & tell.... the assignment was to bring something you love. I feel like I sort of let the kids down because I didn't fake the love longer so the family could stay together. Please pray for me ya'll.
At the same time I feel relief that it will be over, I also feel sort of sad that it ends this way. But you know what... we can't concentrate on that. It's over.. let's move on.
Similar to how I made a big deal of the days when I started my locs. After 1 year, they were locs.. no doubt about it. Time to stop counting. Similar to my days since my breast cancer diagnosis. I just hit 5 years last week. As Pastor Rob says, it's time to stop counting. It's time to move forward.

I did meet someone, sort of. We met online. We speak everyday via telephone calls. He's already using that "L" word that I'm so scared of. It sounds nice, but I've told him I can only sit back, watch, wait & see exactly what it means. My perception of love for and from another man has been ruined & I was to relearn it. He says he has the patience to show me. We'll see.

But today I sit at home alone with a 1/2 dozen chocolate chip cookies, a glass of milk, and eventually (after the Oscars show) will have silence.