Out of my hands Follow-up...

I wrote that it was out of my hands & asked for prayer.

http://electa530.blogspot.com/2009/03/out-of-my-hands-again.html

I see once again how prayer works. I didn't argue with him about this issue ever again. Instead I just continued taking the kids to church. On Sunday when we didn't go I would let him know so that he could come pick them up. Whenever he asked for extra time it is allowed if there was no other conflicts.

It seems if I never ever ask him about child support or anything financially related we get along fine. Let's see how long this will last.

Ms. Cellophane...I'm Ms. Cellophane...

Ever had one of those moments when you felt like if you weren't there no one would even notice? I feel like that quite often.. but even more so this past week. I came down with this horrible cold/flu & called in sick to work. Usually my supervisor will call back later in the morning... or at least before the end of the day to see how horrible my sickness is. I went 2 days with no follow up calls from anyone on my team. Then on the 3rd day I drag my weary body into work & they ask "how are you?". I say I am a lot better than I was the previous 3 days.... and then I hear " Make sure you don't cough or sneeze on (your co-worker)". Thanks for missing me.

Another friend pointed out my absence on this blog lately. I'm sorry, once again. There was another bout of slight depression...feeling sad about being alone & seeming never good enough, but I'm getting over that. Today there is sadness over the loss of our pet bunny.... but the kids don't even notice yet. I guess they're just used to me pushing the cage outside before I clean it. This time it won't be coming back in though. I don't know what happened. She was fed on Thursday night & I saw she was fine last night. Today we come home & I notice she's not moving. When the kids left the room I go for a closer look. The cedar chip bedding looks like its in her mouth ( I didn't look THAT close) & her body was just beginning to stiffen up. So maybe if I had stayed home instead of going to the pool....paid a little more attention? UGH!! I can't do this to myself.

I've met a few psychos in my area. I'm still single. I'm still prayerful that God will send the man that is supposed to be in my life. I know there's a difference between wants & needs.... and I hope he will send a few of the qualifications that I want as well as what I need. In the meantime.... dang, is it too much to ask that if a guy is really interested that he go ahead & PLAN a date instead of "I dunno, what do you want to do?" "Let's wait & see what happening on that day" ?? I grew up watching TV & movies where the guy called the girl saying things like "I would like to take you to dinner...", "Hey, would you like to go bowling with me", "I have tickets to a So & So concert... would you like to go with me". I guess guys don't do that anymore.

I didn't forget...

but as you can tell by my last post I wasn't really feeling very upbeat & chipper as usual. I had to take a break.
In July I flew back to Chicago for my 20 yr. high school reunion. If we weren't friends back then, it was a safe bet that we can't be friends right now. I felt as uncomfortable as I did back then around certain people.... but then was especially brave around others. I actually attracted the attention of one of the hot guyz from back then. It was cool.
Any, lately I've been doing whatever I can to get the smile back on my face. Is it working?

Feeling like Possum Pearl sometimes...

Yes I know I'm not a virgin. I have 2 kids.... and I have a past! But when I meet a guy that expresses an interest in me...why does it seem they loose interest when it is revealed that

1. I don't have boobs
   
2. Sleeping w/ me is gonna cost more than a couple of drinks?

I'm not trying be all Holier Than Thou or whatever... but I would think that when a special man comes into my life... for real... then he will appreciate the fact that I haven't been tried on & run through the mill by all the previous guys that came before him/after the divorce. They all talk about how they want that good woman... then do all they can to try & make me bad!
It also makes me wonder.... if I were in a horrible accident & lost a limb.... that would render me un-datable as well? I've asked the question.. polled around... and it was said that boobs were not that important to men. It's funny, I can't tell. Take a short poll of the guys that have expressed an interest in me in the past 2 years or single-hood. All think I'm a great woman, easy to talk to, great friend..... but 1 even said to me that I'm missing that 1 thing. Of course he didn't say what & it didn't have to be said. Although I appreciate the honesty, it still hurts. But you know what? I guess if you don't truly know pain, then you won't know pleasure when you receive it.

Mother's Day 2009

It started out great! The week before Ms. D. Francis had all her girls together for a suprise lunch gathering. 3 of us went & got our nails done & did some dress shopping. Yup- I bought a few dresses! I decided to keep the girly thing going w/ my daughter as I did our nails the following weekend.. the actual Mother's day weekend. Since they are too young for me to allow them to run lose in the kitchen alone, I let them take me to breakfast on Sunday morning then we went to church. I dropped them off w/ their dad afterward as usual.

This left me w/ more time for me! I thought I would take Ms. Francis to the movies, but instead we ended up shopping again & then just rented a movie from the Redbox @ Wal-mart. Still, a nice Mother's Day for me & my mom.

Other forces I guess tried to rain on my parade through the rest of the week. It was hard, but I keep my head up through it all.

But cute thing though... I think my son might want to be a hairstylist. He loves grabbing my locs into a 1 fisted ponytail in the back or just fluffing them around. Just now as he grabbing them I told him he's pulling too tight.. so he pulls tighter. I say "OWWW!! That hurts" & he tells me "Noooooo...." like I don't know what I'm talking about. It's MY hair on MY head!

Another Hair issue

I keep forgetting to update pictures of how the hair thing is going. Who would have thought that this started out as a hair blog? Well like I said... I watched them go from braidlocs to locs. I didn't see the need to keep taking pictures ever day/week/month to continue watching them. I like the once in a while pic that makes me say "WOW! They are growing!".

This year we had an unfortunate family reunion surrounded by a death in the family. This gave me opportunity to see more natural hair cousins of mine! Anyway... I became my own papparazzi & started snapping pictures w/ people all over the place.This is Alecia who started her locs I think 1 year ago. She was asking me about the ends that don't loc up. Sound like she had the same problem I did. I told her I was advised that after a year if they didn't loc up they never will. I even showed her the few loose ends I still have!

I hadn't seen my cousin Patrick in FOR EVER! I had to be reminded that he was actually at my wedding 12 years ago. Anyway.... my mom & her sisters were not very pleased with his hair. They threatened him w/scissors , wanting to cut the locs off. WHY these Jamaican women are so against locs I don't understand. I also met a cousin who is indeed a practising Rasta. She keeps her locs covered though.

And ME?? YOU BETTA WORK!! I was told this shot that I took of myself looks FIERCE! I don't know. I like the hair, even though I couldn't really do anything with it that day. But I like the way it hangs now that it's finally shoulder length. I do need to take more shots to show the length in the back. Hey Brunsli- thanks for the tie!

Where's my million dollar check?

In just the past 7 months I said something about the power of life & death being in either the tongue or in your mind. I pointed out how I thought of something and in the next few minutes it came into fruition. I spoke of someone that was unfortunately out of my life & how I wished we could have worked it out to remain friends. We hadn't spoken in more than 10 years. As of last month we've spoken maybe every other day... reconnecting like nothing ever happened.
So if I really do have that kind of power to make things happen...I need to start speaking aloud about my lotto winnings! I need to speak of my Prince Charming w/ the good credit rating that is willing to become my help meet & step father to my children....giving them a better male role model. I need to speak (shout!) more about that size 10 dress that I will be able wear this summer!
And not to be selfish... thinking only of myself...I speak of my kids coming into the genius status before them. My son overcoming the autism diagnosis set on him. Next year he will be reciting The Lord's Prayer by memory. My daughter will astonish the people at the new school to a point of being put into the Gifted Student program. My neice will straighten up & receive full scholarships to college. My other neice will find out what life is REALLY about & become the young adult that we all know she can be. My sister will find the answer to her prayers as well.

But seriously though... I need that money soon.

Starting... stopping... starting again...

My high school reunion is in July. 20 years ya'll! I can't beleive I'm going back to see these people I haven't seen in 20 years! So of course I have to look my best!
How can I? To be honest I'm only 20 lb heavier than I was in high school anyway. After 20 years, 2 kids, & a serious illness I think 20 lbs is forgivable. Unfortunately I don't just see 20 lbs. I'm still seeing the image of me in 2001 at my heaviest.... 234 lbs.
So I make up my mind to start working out again. I research the Couch to 5k program to get me running. I mentally promise to walk maybe 30 minutes a day. I mentally promise to do the Wii Fit thing every week. I even shop around for other workout material. At some point I will actually get serious about this & put those cookies down!

Wanting something new?

Not really... but that's the name of the movie I'm watching. "Something New" starring Sanaa Lathan & Simon Baker. A successful black woman about to start dating a white guy for the 1st time in her life. Her apprehension to the subject is very similar to mine, but not exactly. I mean they had a blind date at Starbucks & she walked around saying things like "What's up Brutha" & "Girl you are wearing those locs" to the black people she sees. I wouldn't take it that far.
But this guy in the movie.... yeah, he's hot. If he walked into my life I don't think I would be hesitant about dating him. But then again, my attraction to this character isn't because he's the white guy. He's nice, sensitive to her issues, hard working... I don't know if he can dance though. lol Of course the ability to keep a beat is important to me. I would be attacted to his character if he were black, white, Puerto Rican....whatever.
But really... 1st he's just the average white guy at Starbucks that she doesn't like... then he turns out to be this wonderful landscaping architect who reconstructs her backyard into something wonderful! And while she tries to keep that wall of professionality between them, he forces her to try something new...to go hiking with him. Like me she says "that'll be a double no" but with the loss of a coin toss she goes & it appears she had a good time. After that 1st kiss she tried to tell him that it won't be going any further and she gets out of the car & walks into her condo. A few dramatic seconds later she answers the knock at the door & there he is. He pushes his way into her place, grabbing & kissing her. Rather forceful, but in a way sort of hot!
But I just like the idea that he saw how hard she works & doesn't take the time to have fun... and forced her to try hiking. Now I want to try hiking, but don't know where to go or how to get started! I like the way he talks to her & WITH her. Maybe I'm just lonely...having no one around to talk to.
But then they have an arguement in the grocery store over a race issue....how she's being treated at work. She wants to talk about it (the Black tax...I never heard of it, but thanks for the enlightenment!) & he doesn't want to talk about anything racial... he just wants to relax. I don't see anything wrong with his side of the arguement, but she kind of blew it out of proportion & they decide it's not working.
Then of course she goes on ONE date with a black guy & now when he comes back 2 weeks later to apologize & try to work things out she turns him down. But then she sees him at an event a few weeks later with another woman & has an asthma attack. A clear case of wanting what we can't have.

One of these days I'm going to have to make a clear definition of what it is I want. What I'm looking for, if I'm looking at all. What it is I'll accept. I look at the lounge chair in her backyard that he designed for her to relax in. I need to relax. I need something like that. I need to be able to just let go sometimes . I wish I had a backyard with that type of set up to just play some jazz, have a glass of wine, & just mellow out for a while. Then again...what happened to our smooth jazz station anyway? Today I tuned in & they weren't there! UGH! No warning whatsoever.

Out of my hands... again.

I get so upset when I see thing going the wrong way & I can't control it no matter my efforts. This issue is nothing new & should have been expected, but I keep wanting to see the good in people & it obviously isn't there anymore.
So we're fighting about his visitation time & the kids going to church every week causes a conflict. Seeing how they're not going to church by MY order but in order to learn God's will I didn't think it would be a bad thing for them to come to their fathers home a bit late. Well it was. He's arguing that I'm wasting his visitation time by taking the kids to church without his permission. He suggested they go only every other week so that he can have his time with them. In his own words "I thought that what little time I spend with my children should also be important and I too offer them the right path to go on so no I can't loose every Sunday to their religious teaching.". That's right... he can't lose time with the kids to God. Offering them the right path?? How? Playing in the yard? Watching movies? Veggie-Tales can only do so much!
But today I had to come down off my soap box & leave it in His hands as to what is right or wrong. I just don't understand how someone that was brought up in the church himself can stray so far from it. Please pray for my kids. Pray for me. Pray that he comes back to the person he was supposed to be.

1/2 a dozen cookies & some silence...

Dang, I didn't realize how long it has been since my last post. Well, besides being all happy about the events of 1/20/09 I've kind of been going through other things that prevented me from properly expressing how I felt.

Well my neice is currently dating a man that is approx. 20 years older than she. He is about the same age as her own mother. Ever since she's started dating him she seems to have gotten more & more disrespectful to others while she feels she's mearly stating her opinion. One day while driving somewhere w/ her mom they got into an arguement that escalated to the point of my sister getting out of the car & walking home. Hmmm... the only time I can even imagine my mom & I agrgueing to the point of me putting her out of my car would be if she ever said something like the God we serve wasn't real & prayer is a waste of time. I don't know if my sister has worked things out w/ her daughter as of this date. I know my neice still has a few screws loose though. Last week my son was washing his hands in the bathroom & couldn't find the garbage can to throw away the paper towel he used to dry them... so he used his 4 year old logic & put it in the toilet! No one knew why the toilet overflowed that night. It wasn't revealed until I witnessed him about to do the same thing the following week. Then we realized the garbage can was gone we asked where it was. My neice puts the garbage can in the closet because she gets tired of dumping out the garbage from the 1 can... it's too much work cuz there's no bag in the can & no one else is around to do it. So now she expects that everyone that needs to throw away trash in the bathroom make an extra trip to the kitchen to throw it awat instead. Hmmm..... please pray for her ya'll.
On a personal level I am sort of on a roller coaster because this week we will have the trial for my divorce. It will soon come to an end & everything will be out on the table. Although I CANNOT WAIT until it's over I realize that I will be grieving the loss of what I thought I had, what I should have had, the traditional nuclear (NEW-CLEAR...not NUKE YOU LAR!!)family of the mom, dad, kids, & the pet. Well, I might have it in the futre, but it's not the person that I thought it would be with. To be truthful I don't even know this person anymore. My daughter pulled out this picture that we took together at a Christmas party back in 1997. I can barely recognize myself in that photo, let alone the person standing next to me in it! I mean I can remember how we used to laugh together, but I look at that photo & I feel like it was all an act. A forced smile like that of the beauty queen in the parade. It's sort of sad. She wanted that picture for show & tell.... the assignment was to bring something you love. I feel like I sort of let the kids down because I didn't fake the love longer so the family could stay together. Please pray for me ya'll.
At the same time I feel relief that it will be over, I also feel sort of sad that it ends this way. But you know what... we can't concentrate on that. It's over.. let's move on.
Similar to how I made a big deal of the days when I started my locs. After 1 year, they were locs.. no doubt about it. Time to stop counting. Similar to my days since my breast cancer diagnosis. I just hit 5 years last week. As Pastor Rob says, it's time to stop counting. It's time to move forward.

I did meet someone, sort of. We met online. We speak everyday via telephone calls. He's already using that "L" word that I'm so scared of. It sounds nice, but I've told him I can only sit back, watch, wait & see exactly what it means. My perception of love for and from another man has been ruined & I was to relearn it. He says he has the patience to show me. We'll see.

But today I sit at home alone with a 1/2 dozen chocolate chip cookies, a glass of milk, and eventually (after the Oscars show) will have silence.

What a way to start the new year

I heard someone at church say "Happy New You!" instead of Happy New Year. I like that.... it will be a new me this year. 2009 is so significant in so many ways. The biggest change of course is the change of our president next week. I am so excited about that. I still tear up whenever I view the exact moments on the news when it was projected that he would be our 44th president. Exactly 11pm EST after returning from our local news cut-in I was watching NBC news & there was silence. But there was a graphic that read 44th US President & had his picture. I was confused at first... asking myself out loud "What? He won? He won??" Then finally you hear Brian Williams announce that he had in fact won the state of California as well as Oregon & Washington....the whole West coast, which put him over the 270 needed electoral votes. HE WON! Oh I jumped around alone in my living room that night. I screamed. I cried. I called my mom. I called another friend that volunteered on the campaign & thanked her. My sister in Chicago called me around 2am. Oh it was such an exciting night. Next week is going to be even more riveting.

Some things bear repeating

You know I don't talk a lot. I hate repeating myself. But you know when something good is coming your way, you just want to make sure everyone ( including the ones living under a rock) knows about it....

So Blessed...

I cannot begin to describe what I am feeling right now... other than to say this past year has truely been a blessing. I know my life had been somewhat a roller coaster, but just like when you are on one & you learn how to bear the ups & downs... and you brace yourself for the downs you know are coming. In this past year my downs haven't really been all that bad!
I'm getting an understanding in prayer. My words are not as eloquent as others. Face it, I'm just not a very vocal person. But I'm happy my God knows that.... and knows what I am feeling in my heart. I'm learning to ask for the things I want... the things I need... to pray for the people I care about. I'm blessed enough to see these prayers answered in so many different ways. OH I am so blessed. I'm reaping the harvest God promised me.... take back what the Devil stole from me... and I rejoice today for I shall inherit it all! Thank you Lord.

I pray all of you following this blog, whether on a constant basis because you are interested in the things I say, of if you just stumbled across it while doing a search on locs, or kids, David Otunga (who is crossed off my list now... I've grown passed him), have a very Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hannukah, Merry Festivus (or whatever).... have a Happy Holidays!

Stolen Quiz.... 1 Word

Where is your cell phone? Charger
Your hair? Loc'ed
Your mother? Sleeping
Your father? gone
Your favorite thing? Cookies
Your dream last night?unsure
Your dream/goal? changes
The room you're in? living
Your fear? Insects
Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive
Where were you last night? here
What you're not? dumb
Muffins? ok
One of your wish list items? Peace
Where you grew up? Illinois
The last thing you did?pack
What are you wearing? t-shirt
Your TV? on
Your pet? rabbit
Your computer? Compaq
Your life? hectic
Your mood? hurt
Missing someone? yes!
Your car? gone
Something you're not wearing? bra (LMAO... I gotta laugh at that)
Your summer? interesting
Love someone? yes
Your favorite color? PINK!
When is the last time you laughed? today
Last time you cried? recently

An explanation of silence...

I'm sorry I haven't been very vocal lately. I've been rather hurt, upset, & not understanding why this happened. On a particular Sunday morning I was told that my friend's 9 year old son hung himself in his bedroom. Of course my 1st words were "NOOOO!!!" It's not possible. There's no way a 9 year old can be so distraught about anything that they seriously contemplate suicide... let alone carry it through. And I know his mother is a prayerful woman of God. So how can something like this happen. I can only imagine her pain... and I know I only felt maybe a tenth of that pain as I also have a son. I can't imagine losing him in a similar manner. So in a way I've been in a sort of grieving pattern for my friend's son. He will be missed... and we know he is with our heavenly father now, so at least we can smile about that.

So I'm trying to break the silence now.... trying to become more vocal & outgoing. I'm making new friends... or at least acquaintances. Still not dating, but sometimes wish I would. Honestly...sometimes it would be nice to know that at the end of the day there's that special someone that I think about who's also thinking about me. Maybe there is & I just haven't met him yet. Or maybe I met him & we just haven't solidified anything towards dating yet. Or maybe I just need to accept the fact that I'm just too chicken to put myself out there. Or too picky? It's alway too something... right?

So I recently decided to stop putting things off & do things for myself. Or course I always put God & the kids first, but I need to do nice things for me once in a while. For the 1st time since 2003 I got myself a new pair of glasses...and WOW. The frames are not black! My mom was shocked. I might just get another pair as well....for the sexy smart mom look. lol

Black Friday.... in more ways than 1

I can't even go into too many details about it, because I'm exhausted! Yes there was a Thanksgiving celebration involving turkey. There was the family gathering around the TV to watch a movie. There was shopping...and there was a funeral. Thanksgiving will never be the same for me or my friend J. Let me get some sleep & I'll tell you what I can about it.

Something in common w/the President

Unfortunately I think the new president & I will have something else in common. I mean we're both from Chicago (well, sort of), we're both black (well, sort of), both college educated adults & both affected by breast cancer in 1 way or another. Last night after I find this article online I met with a new acquantaince who after speaking for a few minutes had to ask me where I'm from. After I reply that I'm from Chicago, he gives me a sort of quizzical look. Then he says he doesn't want to insult me ... but I sound white!

Obama's Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy

Stunning Break with Last Eight Years

In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language."Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska."Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.

I just don't get it. Just because I speak proper English as my1st and only language...because I don't sound like Lil Kim or some rap artist...because I'm not loud & somewhat over-the-top like Oprah or Mo'nique...why is it that people think I sound white? Weren't there any black Valley girls that overused the words "Oh My God", "Like" & "Totally"? Ok, not comparind myself to a Valley Girl because I sure never said "Totally" as a response to any question or description....but really. How did I end up sounding white in everyone's eyes? I know how sometimes accents will rub off depending on your environment... but I've been around black people all my life. Even through college the majority of my crowd was other blacks, so HOW did I end up sounding white??

I beleive my daughter is going to end up w/the same fate. It's bad enough that I've doomed her to never being able to walk into a souvenier shop to buy anything with her name readily printed on it (it's not an outlandish name like Keylolo or LaQuisha, but actually a biblical name), but I see at 5 years old she has a real southern girl accent. LOL

A victim of amphibian assault.

Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd say... but I was. I think I was the target of a hit put out by the frog gang of the Ft. Myers area. Already mad that I don't open my garage door for them to hop on in freely anymore... they staged their assault in a different manner... and it's definitely taught me a lesson in being kind to strange creatures.
Tuesday on my lunch break I hopped in the car & started to drive over to the Wal-mart store. While waiting at the intersection for traffic to pass I noticed what I think was a gopher tortoise about to leave the grassy area & walk straight into the 4 laned street to who knows where... but it never would have made it. On 4 lanes of traffic in lunch hour no one would stop for a turtle crossing... & I just didn't want to be a witness to a run-over so I pulled my car over, hopped out, grabbed the turle & put it back in the grass facing the pond. I didn't get a thank you or anything...but I know I saved it's life.
The next morning on my way to work, driving down a similar 4 lane road something SMACKED me in my right ear, then kind of slithered or crawled down my neck. No the passenger side window wasn't open, so it's not like someone threw something that just happen to fly through the window. As I was stuned and grossed out... not know what the heck that cold, wet thing I just felt was... I hurried to pull over to the side of the road. I had to investigate. I jumped out of the car & looked back behind my seat to where whatever it was could have fallen. I see my black nylon jacket now has tiny wet footprints... slime prints on it. Then it occurs to me...IT WAS A FROG and now it's in the car unseen! I have too much stuff in the car. I can't find it. I gotta drive to work with this thing possibly hopping around in the car to maybe hit me again! EEEEWWW!
So I open the windows & drive on to where I was going in the first place. When I parked & got out, I noticed the frog sitting on the front passenger seat next to where I was... sitting BY MY LUNCH BOX! Oh no, it's got to go. O called in to ask one of the techs to get a broom or something because I was not about to take my eyes off of it & I didn't want to touch it. While the tech sweep that thing out I racked my brain trying to figure out where it came from.. how it got in the car to begin with.. why it chose to jump on me!
It took a while, but I found the answer. There was an organized hit on that turtle that I saved the day before. He was the mob boss from the bog. Running thang down at the slough & the frogs had enough and decided to take him out. They made the arrangement for him to take that walk across that street to get hit, but good ole kind natured me interceded & foiled their plans. I was the target of a hit from the Frog Gang to get me out of the way. In retaliation they sent one of their goons to take me out that morning. He hid on the roof of the van where I couldn't see him and quietly slid inside when the doors opened...sticking to the roof. After I dropped the kids off at daycare ( cuz I guess he had at least an eighth of a conscious & didnt want the kids around) he struck. The mission was to jump on my face, blocking my view, causing me to lose control of the care and go careening into on of the many cow patures along the Daniels Extension, hitting of of the massive cows, totalling the van & possibly ending my life. Thank God he missed .. probably hit the side of my glasses instead of my face. God works in mysterious ways! But I know I will never again interfere in the war between frogs & turtles. Let them settle their own differences & leave me out!


Pt. II
11/15/08
After a night at the club... 3am...guess who makes a 2nd appearance, but IN MY HOUSE!! This is getting ridiculous.

What I REALLY wanted to say is...

So I get a message that he intends to pick the kids up from school this Friday. Doesn't he work on Friday? Did his schedule change? I think it would have been nice to know that before I made my own plans with them... so I simply replied
Actually, I had plans w/ them for dinner w/some church folk. Can I just drop them off afterward as I've been doing?
NO courtesy whatsoever... I get this reply/attack from him
U done that thus far, controling my timeframe, what time r they going to b here
Why does every question I ask have to be about me trying to control something? I'm their mom! I can remember a certain Friday when he didn't even let me know that his schedule changed & they sat there at the daycare until 7:30!! So I try to co-ordinate pick-up and drop off times... is that wrong?
UGH!!! I JUST WANT TO GO OFF ON HIM SOMETIMES but I can't. It's not in my nature to do that until I have really been pushed. As a child of God I'm not going to let him do that to me. Instead I drop the plans I had & reply
Oh...my bad. Do whatever you like. I'll pick up on Sat. by 4pm.
but I need to get this off my chest in 1 way or another so what I REALLY wanted to say was:
That "controlling your timeframe" excuse is getting old... you need to come up w/ something new.
Are you saying you are off on Fridays now? Is this an every Friday you are off thing so I don't have to worry about transporting them for your weekend visits? Please explain to me how I am controlling your time on the weekend visits when I was not aware that you even had the extra time to spend with them? Last Friday's visit for example, had I KNOWN that you were home I would have agreed to let you take them Trick -or treating.. or let them miss out... whatever you chose cuz it's YOUR time. I didn't know you were home! All I ask for is the courtesy of letting me know when your schedule changes as far as your visitation times w/ them so that the pick-ups & drop off's can be properly co-ordinated and I don't go making promises of special plans with them that will be broken.

Controlling your time is the last thing I want to do, so go ahead & let the school know you are picking them up ( cuz I'm not controlling your pick ups, remember?). I'll pick them up by 4pm on Sat. so you can spend every second w/them before you go to work since time is such a priority on your visitation time-clock

Don't touch me....it hurts

Today on my message board they talked about different quirks that people have. Some people can't stand when food touches. Some can't drink milk 3 days before the expiration date. One of my quirks... I don't like to be touched.
During the chemo stage when I was in the process of losing my nails... it hurt to wear socks. It hurt to type. It hurt to comb my daughter's hair. It just plain hurt to touch anything. Then there was pain in my shoulders.... where I just wanted to do the Nestea plunge into a pool of water or cotton candy or something soft... because everything just hurt and I just wanted to float for a while. And of course with everything I was having to endure at the time people would want to come up & hug me or at the very least a pat on the shoulder. I wanted to run... but it would hurt. I just didn't want to be touched at all.
In 2005 we had a family reunion that I was regretting because of the people I hadn't seen in years who would want to hug me. UGH... I almost didn't want to go at all!
Of course it doesn't help when the person that says they love you doesn't believe when you try to explain your pain... so they do things to hurt you even more.
So here it is 4 years later. I would prefer not to wear shoes or socks....but I will when I'm out. My fingers are ok, except when I'm braiding her hair. After a while I regret starting it & just push my way through it. My baby girl has to be pretty, right?
But hugs? Kisses? General affection? I'm still no good at it. The kids try to hug me... & I have to catch myself in mid-thought...thinking "do I HAVE to hug you again???". Yes... you're the mom, you HAVE to give hugs to the kids! And what about your new man? How can I have a man in my life without the hugs, kisses, & such? It's not possible. Maybe the issue is more of the fact that I can't initiate it. Then again I haven't had any real incentive to initiate anything recently. Nothing is happening. In recent months I've hugged a few people. I've enjoyed a kiss or 2. But I never started it. There's something about me that just draws people in.. and sometimes I just want to turn it off!
I'm taking baby steps. After a request for a hug...a long hug... a gentle caress...stroking my hair.. small kiss here...that's not so bad. Yeah- it all starts out nice...it's taking it further that scares me. It's letting someone get that close again that scares me. I don't know when I'll be able to do that again. It hurts to much. I told my husband it hurts...I've told others it hurts. Maybe I need to learn to be more assertive as I'm not being heard or taken seriously. Life shouldn't be so hard.
My daughter came up to me today & gave me an eskimo kiss. That was the sweetest thing I've had in a while. Minimal contact.

Historic moment..

A clever little thing sent to my cell phone recently:

Rosa sat... so Martin could march.
Martin marched.... so Obama could run.
Obama ran... so our children & grand-children could FLY!


I really love that one. The feeling I had that night knowing that in the future I will be able to tell my son that he can go as far as he wishes...that there would be no excuses in him not succeeding but for himself.
I can't begin to describe the feeling I had the 1st time I saw the collective picture of the 44 Presidents... mostly in Black & white.... but of course they were all white...until NOW.
I hate that his race had become so much of an issue in this election... but this is America. They talk about his inexperience... his views on abortion... his views on foreign oil... blah blah blah... but you know it all came down to that 1 thing. I think the fact of bringing the controversy w/ Rev. J. Wright up again just a few days before the election was dispicable & showed just how scared the Republican party was. And felt they had to scare the rest of the country into believing Obama's former (?) church was somewhat racist & hateful. Hmmm...Point the finger & you get 3 pointing back at you!
I am glad that the country is willing to make a change for the better. Thank you America.

And stop sending out those hateful text messages... just cuz your candidate lost. Your horns are showing and it ain't funny.

Sorta Happy Halloween....

Well at least they were happy. 2 costumes in 1 day! At school my son's class had a pajama party... costumes were not allowed. And just to make the morning easy my daughter had to dress as a character in a book they read . She read "Sleepy Time Ollie" so she also went to school in PJ's.

Later on we put on the official costumes. He was Thomas the Tank Engine & she was Dora the Explorer. I couldn't decide what I was. 1st I was just a red-head. Then I saw it looked pretty good so I became "Hot Mom". Then I got the sunglasses & became "Hollywood Mom", imagining living the life of J. Lo or Angelina. But gosh it got kind chilly for FL... down to a whole 74 degrees (BRRR!!!) My bare shoulders coudn't really take it so I had to add the sweater, then I thought about the newest buzz word. I became "SOCCER MOM" (especially w/ that chips & soda in hand!). I just wish I had a soccerball to go with it! Should have thought of it sooner.

The Pail List...

SO I recently watched "The Bucket List" & thought it was a pretty good idea....but I have no plans of kicking the bucket any time soon. So instead I came up with a pail... something that holds things, right? The pail will hold my future travel dreams. Since I just came up with that idea tonight, I haven't really come up with the list. I do have a few places I've always wanted to go... things I've always wanted to do:

1. Go to Las Vegas with a group of friends.....just acting like we're 21 again. No complaints about anything, just party all night till I literally have to be carried back to the hotel room.
2. Go to DisneyWorld with the kids. I thought we would have gone on the Disney Cruise by this now... but going to the park will be fine. Maybe in the next year or two.
3. Ocho Rios, Jamaica. I want to go to a resort like Sandals... maybe even Couples ( if I am a couple). Someplace all tropical where I can lay back, have someone bring me drinks, maybe a massage by the ocean side with steel drum music in the background.
4. The Grand Canyon....I don't know why I always wanted to go there. Something about that red dirt, deep hole, the natural wonder of it all.

Ok...that's all I can think of for now....

10/30/08

add #5. Bora Bora, Fiji, Tahiti... one of thos tropical Polynsian Island type places...again where I can lay out feeling the tropical breezes & someone brings me a drink. lol

Some things you just weren't meant to understand...

People. Is there ever any way you can ever understand why people do the things they do? I remember one of my favorite Tex Avery cartoons was a black cat that just wanted to get away from people. "They walk on ya.... step on ya...walk on ya...step on ya.. walk on ya.... and kick ya!". That cat ended up going to the moon to get away from people. Then he learned that things aren't always better on the other side of the fence ( planet?).

So I don't understand why people do the things that they do. Making a big deal of a legal matter, then when the mediation is scheduled to settle the matter they are a no-show. WHY?
To make statements to a mother like "Did you dress your kids warm enough today"? Would I ever send my kids out in the cold dressed inappropriately on purpose? I mean if I know it's going to be cold, wouldn't I make sure they had their sweaters? WHY?
Or these guys out there purposefully infecting women (and men) with the HIV virus. After asking her new prince charming to wear a condom, he complied, but somewhere during the act he removed it... thereby infecting her. Of course he's disappeared, never to be heard from again. The sad thing is that he's done this to several other women... and seems to be making his way across the country. WHY??? All I can say is thanks for the wake-up call. I hope I haven't come across anyone he's come across.
Or how about opening your life to someone...sharing your world... then suddenly without cause changing their mind and taking it all away. I know I've done it.... just cut people out of my life, but it was after my eyes was opened to the fact they cause more pain than pleasure in my world. No time for that. Would I apologize? No.... it was done for an appropriate reason. But recently a name came to my mind & I seriously wanted to reach out to her. She cut me out of her life for a selfish mistake. Selfish on who's part is still a matter of opinion.... but still it shouldn't have come down to "don't call me again". But then again, since she was able to jump to that so easily & no listen to what I was trying to say... yeah- I guess she was truly a leaf in my tree of life. Never mind....but it still hurts. To be on the outside looking into the area where you once stood...feeling like you've been kicked out of an exclusive club. I wonder if anyone has ever done the same to her?

Kanye was so on point!

Those bass drums blasting in my ears... I wonder if my neighbor hears. It goes deep.. to the very core of me. I'm feelin' it.... but it wasn't clear til I hit the 2nd verse:

I'm not lovin you, the way I wanted to

I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true

I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move

I can't keep myself, and still keep you too

So I keep in mind, when I'm on my own

Somewhere far from home, In the danger zone

How many times did it take til I finally got through

You lose, you lose

I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to

See I had to go, see I had to go

No more wastein time, we can't wait for life

Which is wastin time, wheres the finish line

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down

You keep ya love locked down, you lose

I think this is on of those things where 15 different people will hear it & get 15 different interpretations from it. All I know is what it said when it spoke to me... and it was so on point. Thank you Kanye. I think I wanna dance now...












And on another but somewhat related point.... today I told a friend about the daily lessons I learn in life. Like the way I saw things before.... if there were something special that I didn't have & it was out of my reach at the time I deemed it to be rare & I would probably never see it again so I better enjoy it while I can. WRONG!




I was walking down the street & saw my 1st Bentley. Heard about Bentley's before. Seen them in movies. Seen them in rap videos (w/ rappers trying to front like they really won them!). I just never imagined I would ever be in a position to be close to one, yet there it is right in front of me. I snapped this shot thinking this was a once in a lifetime thing... I'll never be this close to another Bentley again. NO I wasn't trying to impress anyone with hair & makeup that day, can you tell? Natural Beauty Baby!Anyway.... walked about another 1/2 a city block & there's another one. Hours later I see another one in traffic. Guess they're not so rare after all... I just gotta know what I'm looking for.









Then I passed the Maserati shop. Never been around one. I know for sure I can't afford one. I don't know anyone that can afford one. I thought this will definitely be the closest I ever get to one so I better snap the picture while I can. Til today, a week later... I saw a silver one in all places the parking lot of Target. One of these days I will get it through my head that I am more than a conqueror... I can get things accomplished. If I want something bad enough, nothing it truly out of my reach. I mean dang...look at things I've done.... what I wasn't supposed to be able to do... and yet I've done it! Go ahead girl! Hold your head up! Do your dance! So yeah, like Kanye was saying...

No more wastein time, we can't wait for life
Which is wastin time, wheres the finish line

No one can tell me where my finish line is. I just hope it isn't coming close any time soon. In the meantime... no more wastin time....

I want to like you... for real... I do!

Ever had one of those? I remember way back in the day there was this guy. We spent time after school at the mall. We talked on the phone. He would come visit me at home. He was a good guy...just not for me. There wasn't anything really attracting me to him. There's nothing wrong with that... everyone doesn't have that instant chemistry, right? So why does it hurt so much when you don't like someone as much as they obviously like you?
That poor guy kept coming around, kept calling, and calling, and calling...it seemed like forever before he got the hint. Then again, maybe if I wasn't a punk & just spit it out... just said "Hey, it's not working. You go your way, I go mine"? That's my problem... I have problems saying things that I know are going to hurt someone else. Even when it's something that really needs to be said.
That's pretty evident. I kept hoping that one day I would find the love that I once had for my husband... but eventually I just had to give up. Stop shocking it... it's dead.
At least now I'm older & somewhat wiser. I know when something has absolutely no chance of being what I want & therefore I won't waste my time. I'm not going through anymore of the "try it on & see if you like it" deals. If I go shopping... I know what I'm looking for. Next time I'm not settling for less. So if I even have to think to myself "What do I have to do to make myself like this person.... or to make this person like me"..I'm moving on.

My other John Witherspoon moment...

So here it is a few days after I returned home from my fabulous trip & I start sharing pictures with friends and co-workers. Of course I am most proud of meeting Mr. Witherspoon on the street that day. One co-worker ( then another, and another, and another!) told me that Mr. Witherspoon is playing at a somewhat local comedy club in our area this weekend! DANG! But I already spent my $ & can't get a ticket (or a babysitter!). That's alright, I didn't have anyone to go with anyway, so I let the idea of speaking to him again go.

HA!! While driving in to work this morning, guess who's on the radio taking calls! So I called in...

"Hi John. Boy, it's a small small world! Do you remember over the weekend when you were on 5th St. and some crazy fan came over to you talking about being a cancer survivor & you took a picture with her?"

"Uh... yeah?"

"Well that was ME!!"

"WOW! What are you doing here?"

" I actually live here. I was just visiting when I saw you" and I went on to explain how I was just thinking about him in the few moments prior & then he magically appeared. LOL- it was great talking to him on the air. Now I gotta figure out a way to get this picture to him!

But you know, when I share this picture with some people they say he looks familiar, but they don't remember where they saw him before. We'll the biggest thing that sticks out in my mind was that he was Craig's father in the "Friday" movies with Ice Cube. He also played "Pop" on the Wayan's Bros. show. But like I said, I've been seeing him in bits & pieces on film since the 80's. I hope to continue seeing him for years to come.... we're losing too many good ones now-a-days. R.I.P. Uncle Bernie.


And you know..... R.I.P Melrose. I just found out today that my former neighbor mom passed on to glory this week. Its sad because of us 3 muskateers we've already lost our dads, & now we're starting to lose our moms too. After I got the news I went did exactly as directed by an old campaign slogan from the 70's... "Have you hugged your mom today?". I can say YES I HAVE.

Watch what you say & what you think.

They say the power of life & death can be found in the tongue...the things you say. I think it is also found in the the things you think as well. I was walking down the street on Saturday and I saw a sign that had the word "EXQUISITE" on it. I think it was refering to some diamonds. So anyway, thinking of that word brought a tiny smile to my face, thinking of a comedy sketch I was almost 15 years ago with Robert Townsend, John Witherspoon, & others. A woman was talking about the dinner party they were attending & she said something about it being "Requisit too..". John Witherspoon's character tells her to "Shut the hell up Ruthie, you don't know what you're talking about". I don't know why that simple line was so funny to me... or why it came back to my mind so many years later. I mean that was somewhere around 1987 when I saw that!

So anyway, I continue walking down the street, minding my own business, when I look up into the doorway of what I guess is a hotel & who's standing there talking on his cell phone? JOHN WITHERSPOON!

I'm so shocked I whisper a loud "OMG!! HI!!" & he says hello back. Then I motion "Give me one of those Bang,bang, bang..." & he does. The same Bang, bang from the movie "Boomerang" that I love so much. Honestly, when I really need a good laugh, that does it every time. I start to walk away when it hit me. THIS IS A CELEBRITY MOMENT & YOU'RE LEAVING WITHOUT A PICTURE??? So I walk back, of course forgetting all my manners & not caring about him being on the phone, and ask him for a picture. Then he tells whoever it was to hold on & it it me how rude I was. I apologized & told him to go ahead & finish his call, I just wanted a picture if it's ok. Well, he said it was alright....and the even smiled for me! Another friend of mine says he doesn't know who's cheesing harder- him or me! And of course I immediately started thinking what other celebrities I could conjure up in this head of mine, but unfortunately I came up with none.

BRCA Testing

As found on Webmd...
A breast cancer (BRCA) gene test is a blood test to check for specific changes (mutations) in genes that help control normal cell growth. Finding changes in these genes, called BRCA1 and BRCA2, can help determine your chance of developing breast cancer and ovarian cancer. A BRCA gene test does not test for cancer itself. This test is only done for people with a strong family history of breast cancer or ovarian cancer, and sometimes for those who already have one of these diseases. Genetic counseling before and after a BRCA test is very important to help you understand the benefits, risks, and possible outcomes of the test.
A woman's risk of breast or ovarian cancer is higher if she has BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene changes. Breast cancer is extremely rare in men but BRCA2 gene changes have been linked to male breast cancer and possibly prostate cancer. The risk of some other cancers, including pancreatic and colon cancer, may also be higher.1 The gene changes can be inherited from either your mother's or father's side of the family.

All praises due to God the Father. All Glory!! Thank you Lord! My test results of the 2 were NEGATIVE!!! My 2 children should be ok!