Roller Coaster ( of love?)- a sad reality

Say What? Whenever I think of that song I think of my sister in Chicago. That was pretty much the theme song that let us know Barbeque Season is upon us! Well, basically anything Ohio Players... my sister loved grilling. For those who don't know, the Ohio Players made that song "Roller Coaster"... Red Hot Chili Peppers did a cover of it years later. Again not an original. They also covered "Higher Ground", a hit by Stevie Wonder. Hmmm.... why does this feel like the 5 Heartbeats all over again?

Anyway, today was very much a roller coaster day for me, and it hasn't ended yet. I don't know when it will. I knew this was coming... or I should have known it was. I just didn't think it was going to hit me this hard. I didn't know I cared. Today I came to realize that the posibility of my having another child, even through medical intervention (like a surrogate) is not a possibility for me. My blood work at the oncologist came back negative... I'm still in remission. Yea me. But when I mentioned the hormonal problems, the fact that the ob/gyn recommended a hysterectomy & such, he order the genetic testing that actually should have been done years ago. And now this test will tell us if I am a carrier of the gene mutation that causes breast cancer. If I am, then that makes is all the more likely that my daughter will have to fight the same battle that I had. Oh, I imagine my son may not be safe either seeing how men get it too.. and he could pass it onto his daughter. And what makes is hurt even more for me is knowing that I can't even offer the option of having someone else carry out a pregnancy for me & a future mate... that child would have the mutated gene as well. Her I was doing a bunch of research on egg preservation... freezing my eggs for future IVF treatments to a surrogate & it's not going to happen. 1st of all... it's $15000 a year, or maybe even $250 per month for just 6 eggs. Yeah, good luck in getting that paid. How could I want to bring another life to the world that would have to go through the same struggle? I feel bad enough thinking how I could have possibly passed it on to the 2 I see daily. Yeah sure they may find the cure soon... but I don't know that. I'm still struggling with today. Facing the fact that there will be no more babies carrying my DNA directly from me. And on top of that... it's sort of another strike against me in the future dating pool. It hurts. It's not fair. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but COME ON!! REALLY???
So today I'm feeling like I just may as well get used to the fact.... until another 5 years go by & I can possibly get another set of implants no man is really gonna be interested in me for the long term. It's a sad reality.
If by some miracle a man does come along that can appreciate me for all I've been through, I'll never be able to be the mother of his children... the birth mother of his children. It's a sad reality.
I'm a single mom of not 1 but 2 kids... 1 with special needs.... 1/2 a woman's body... and can't have kids. It's a sad reality.
Never mind that I was smart enought to earn a BA degree. Never mind the fact I pretty much do more for others than I do for myself. Never mind that I know how much I do, how much I put up with, for the man that says he loves me & I love him just as much. Never mind that I'm as good looking as Tyra Banks without the eight.. oops I meant Forehead. It'll more than likely never happen again. It's a sad reality.