What I need...

Years & years & years ago I met this guy. He was PERFECT... probably stood about 6'6'', pretty smile, could dance... everything I had hoped for in a potential boyfriend. And on top of that... he was interested in me!! Oh I was so happy... until I learned the truth.
This perfect man that I started developing feelings for, that I was spending hours talking on the phone with, spending time after class hanging around with, just so close to completely giving my heart to... was being nice to me in efforts of getting to know my friend- the woman he was truely interested in in the 1st place, but in the meantime would take what he could get from me. Insert knife & twist.
It hurt..not like any other heartbreak I had previously, but I think it was the one that sent me into the box currently live in. No one could hurt me when I was in the box... and I couldn't hurt anyone else as well. I saw it as a WIN-WIN for the world.
Eventually after that I met the man that became my husband & I moved out of the box (probably just sub-let it to someone else). At least he was strong enough to bring me out. That was fun for a while.
Today I find I have moved back in. Well, not today but recently. My life is so much less complicated when I'm in there. I suppose if I were out & about it makes me more susceptible to the pain that people can bring. While I'm in there, if your intention is to cause me pain it gives me a small barrier... like I can see or hear it coming... and I have a chance to brace myself for it or protect myself from it. When I come across something that hurts me, I tend to not want to experience it again.... so I STOP! I mean I know people tend to get hurt when they learn how to ride a bike or roller skate... but sometimes the bike is just too big for you to handle or the skate wheels are the wrong speed ( too loose) for your novice ability. If you don't want to keep falling & hurting yourself, YOU STOP, consider how much you really want to learn this sport. Can you start out on an easier, safer, model & work your way up? Is it really that important for you to learn this sport at this time? Maybe it'll be easier when you get older... after some time has passed & you have healed up a bit. Yeah- I'm definitely not one of those "Get back up on the horse" type people. Throw me once - ouch. Throw me twice- it's gonna be a looong time before I let that happen again.
I'm thinking I need to make myself one of those count-down clocks to remind myself that I won't be dating until next year....no matter what. In the meantime, I wondered what it is going to take for a man to show me that he's truely, seriously interested in me & what if he wants to take it a step further than just friends. Somehow that lead me back to the past... thinking about that guy I was crazy about & the way he stomped on my heart. My favorite song at the time was "What I Need" by Crystal Waters. I could really feel that 2nd verse after an experience like that.

I said I'm lonely
And I don't believe
I've been waiting long
For someone to believe in

But I been talking
Been talking so long
I forgot what the hell
What I was talking 'bout

I'm uptight, nothing right
Can't eat, can't sleep
All night in bed I cry
Need somebody by my side

I feel my heart and soul
I feel the beat
I wish someone would give me
What I say, what I say
What I need, I need
What I need, I need
I need something to come over me
Lift me up and set me free
Someone who will give
What I need, I need
What I need, I need

I guess my needs haven't changed much since way back then. I get tired of doing all the work...making all the steps.... going the whole distance alone. If someone is going to be with me, he can't be on the fence about it. He's gonna have to jump over & drag me out. Hopefully it won't be kicking & screaming. lol But yeah, what I need is someone that is willing to extend their hand, grasp mine firmly, guide me where we agree to go, not allow me to go the wrong direction if he knows for sure it's wrong... the same way I would pull him back if he were going the wrong way. I don't need a father figure to repremand me. I don't need a son to tell what to do. What I need is a friend to walk with me.