What's really going on.....

Some may wonder why the recent absence of comments from me. I used to blog at least once a week, but lately I haven't had the time or energy. When I started this blog it was suposed to be about everything going through my head, as well as what's on top of my head . There's 1 issue I haven't really discussed at all.

Well as of this weekend, it looks as though I will be in training for the life of a single mother. Not that I haven't been in training already, as most of the time the kids are under me anyway... but I mean I may have to change my W-2...I may have to change my name...I may have to change the way I file taxes next year. My husband & I are now separated.

I didn't spend the weekend crying over him packing & leaving. It's kinda been building over the last few years & things just haven't gotten better between us. I know the communication is shot. It's not completely his fault, he's not an all out bad guy in this. With every bad comment I could possibly make about him... I can possibly come up with a defense about his actions. Kind of like how when you point the accusatory finger at someone, you have 3 more pointing back at you!

I just know I cannot continue to live life as I have...it's time for me to move forward. The love I had for the man I married 10 years ago dissipated. I don't know how to get it back, if I can get it back, or if I even want to get it back. I feel as though I have 3 kids a lot of time...because he didn't fill the position as man of the house. 1st he wouldn't take care of the house because it wasn't in his name. After we finally bought a house in both our names he still hasn't done much as far as upkeep or repair. It irritates me to have to tell him what so obviously needs to be addressed around the house. I'm not the Martha Stewart/Happy Homemaker type, but I know when things need to get done or fixed & will put forth the effort. I felt like he doesn't make a move until I tell him what to do.
Then of course there's the financial issues that almost every American couple has. I won't go too deep into that other than saying we had different financial goals & the hopes of a happy medium is non-existant. I am the ant- working, working working to save for that rainy day. He's the grasshopper- laying back watching Star Wars & playing around til devastation occurs. I just want to be able to enjoy my savings & watch it grow. Instead it's constantly trampled & killed. It's time to switch locations & start somewhere else.

So we started marriage counseling to address the issues we have with each other. Mind you, this is the 3rd time we've have to go to counseling for issues that I feel never get resolved. This time another issue was raised... TRUST. I didn't think I had anything to hide from my husband...and he shouldn't have anything to hide from me. But years ago he threw a dramatic hissy-fit over accessing his email on our PC ( uh hello? The AOL password was stored on it!). That pretty much taught me what's his is his & what's mine is mine. Fast forward a few years & I find he cracks into my Yahoo email....where the password is not stored. No biggie, nothing to find but someone elses opinion about certain situations. This time I learn he cracks into my voice mail. I'm thinking to myself how I would ask him to answer my phone instead of just letting me miss the call if he were sitting right next to it. I didn't care if he looked through my address book or text messages. If there were something that I felt he shouldn't come across, then maybe I shouldn't be doing it, right? Well, aside from planning a suprise party. So now I'm hurt. He went looking for dirt against me...& thinks he found some. I say thinks because there is 2 sides to every story. You know how a little girl can go play in her mom's make-up...putting black eyeshadow on to enhance her beautiful eyes? Then when you see her the 1st thing you think is that her face is dirty. You didn't look for beautiful eyeshadow... you looked for dirt & as far as you're concerned you found dirt! It doesn't matter that the little girl felt she looked pretty, until you told her "Your face is dirty".
So a week or 2 ago we agree to at least a 6 month seperation... to see how things go. He moved out this weekend. Last night my daughter had to tell me something..... like a kinda urgent secret. I'm tired & frustrated from this weekend's events as well as issues at work, but I ask her "What is it". She says "Daddy say he don't love you anymore".
Gosh- I thought we could kind of sugar coat this for the kids for a little while... but I guess not.