The Pail List...

SO I recently watched "The Bucket List" & thought it was a pretty good idea....but I have no plans of kicking the bucket any time soon. So instead I came up with a pail... something that holds things, right? The pail will hold my future travel dreams. Since I just came up with that idea tonight, I haven't really come up with the list. I do have a few places I've always wanted to go... things I've always wanted to do:

1. Go to Las Vegas with a group of friends.....just acting like we're 21 again. No complaints about anything, just party all night till I literally have to be carried back to the hotel room.
2. Go to DisneyWorld with the kids. I thought we would have gone on the Disney Cruise by this now... but going to the park will be fine. Maybe in the next year or two.
3. Ocho Rios, Jamaica. I want to go to a resort like Sandals... maybe even Couples ( if I am a couple). Someplace all tropical where I can lay back, have someone bring me drinks, maybe a massage by the ocean side with steel drum music in the background.
4. The Grand Canyon....I don't know why I always wanted to go there. Something about that red dirt, deep hole, the natural wonder of it all.

Ok...that's all I can think of for now....

10/30/08

add #5. Bora Bora, Fiji, Tahiti... one of thos tropical Polynsian Island type places...again where I can lay out feeling the tropical breezes & someone brings me a drink. lol

Some things you just weren't meant to understand...

People. Is there ever any way you can ever understand why people do the things they do? I remember one of my favorite Tex Avery cartoons was a black cat that just wanted to get away from people. "They walk on ya.... step on ya...walk on ya...step on ya.. walk on ya.... and kick ya!". That cat ended up going to the moon to get away from people. Then he learned that things aren't always better on the other side of the fence ( planet?).

So I don't understand why people do the things that they do. Making a big deal of a legal matter, then when the mediation is scheduled to settle the matter they are a no-show. WHY?
To make statements to a mother like "Did you dress your kids warm enough today"? Would I ever send my kids out in the cold dressed inappropriately on purpose? I mean if I know it's going to be cold, wouldn't I make sure they had their sweaters? WHY?
Or these guys out there purposefully infecting women (and men) with the HIV virus. After asking her new prince charming to wear a condom, he complied, but somewhere during the act he removed it... thereby infecting her. Of course he's disappeared, never to be heard from again. The sad thing is that he's done this to several other women... and seems to be making his way across the country. WHY??? All I can say is thanks for the wake-up call. I hope I haven't come across anyone he's come across.
Or how about opening your life to someone...sharing your world... then suddenly without cause changing their mind and taking it all away. I know I've done it.... just cut people out of my life, but it was after my eyes was opened to the fact they cause more pain than pleasure in my world. No time for that. Would I apologize? No.... it was done for an appropriate reason. But recently a name came to my mind & I seriously wanted to reach out to her. She cut me out of her life for a selfish mistake. Selfish on who's part is still a matter of opinion.... but still it shouldn't have come down to "don't call me again". But then again, since she was able to jump to that so easily & no listen to what I was trying to say... yeah- I guess she was truly a leaf in my tree of life. Never mind....but it still hurts. To be on the outside looking into the area where you once stood...feeling like you've been kicked out of an exclusive club. I wonder if anyone has ever done the same to her?

Kanye was so on point!

Those bass drums blasting in my ears... I wonder if my neighbor hears. It goes deep.. to the very core of me. I'm feelin' it.... but it wasn't clear til I hit the 2nd verse:

I'm not lovin you, the way I wanted to

I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true

I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move

I can't keep myself, and still keep you too

So I keep in mind, when I'm on my own

Somewhere far from home, In the danger zone

How many times did it take til I finally got through

You lose, you lose

I aint lovin you, the way I wanted to

See I had to go, see I had to go

No more wastein time, we can't wait for life

Which is wastin time, wheres the finish line

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down

You keep ya love locked down, you lose

I think this is on of those things where 15 different people will hear it & get 15 different interpretations from it. All I know is what it said when it spoke to me... and it was so on point. Thank you Kanye. I think I wanna dance now...












And on another but somewhat related point.... today I told a friend about the daily lessons I learn in life. Like the way I saw things before.... if there were something special that I didn't have & it was out of my reach at the time I deemed it to be rare & I would probably never see it again so I better enjoy it while I can. WRONG!




I was walking down the street & saw my 1st Bentley. Heard about Bentley's before. Seen them in movies. Seen them in rap videos (w/ rappers trying to front like they really won them!). I just never imagined I would ever be in a position to be close to one, yet there it is right in front of me. I snapped this shot thinking this was a once in a lifetime thing... I'll never be this close to another Bentley again. NO I wasn't trying to impress anyone with hair & makeup that day, can you tell? Natural Beauty Baby!Anyway.... walked about another 1/2 a city block & there's another one. Hours later I see another one in traffic. Guess they're not so rare after all... I just gotta know what I'm looking for.









Then I passed the Maserati shop. Never been around one. I know for sure I can't afford one. I don't know anyone that can afford one. I thought this will definitely be the closest I ever get to one so I better snap the picture while I can. Til today, a week later... I saw a silver one in all places the parking lot of Target. One of these days I will get it through my head that I am more than a conqueror... I can get things accomplished. If I want something bad enough, nothing it truly out of my reach. I mean dang...look at things I've done.... what I wasn't supposed to be able to do... and yet I've done it! Go ahead girl! Hold your head up! Do your dance! So yeah, like Kanye was saying...

No more wastein time, we can't wait for life
Which is wastin time, wheres the finish line

No one can tell me where my finish line is. I just hope it isn't coming close any time soon. In the meantime... no more wastin time....

I want to like you... for real... I do!

Ever had one of those? I remember way back in the day there was this guy. We spent time after school at the mall. We talked on the phone. He would come visit me at home. He was a good guy...just not for me. There wasn't anything really attracting me to him. There's nothing wrong with that... everyone doesn't have that instant chemistry, right? So why does it hurt so much when you don't like someone as much as they obviously like you?
That poor guy kept coming around, kept calling, and calling, and calling...it seemed like forever before he got the hint. Then again, maybe if I wasn't a punk & just spit it out... just said "Hey, it's not working. You go your way, I go mine"? That's my problem... I have problems saying things that I know are going to hurt someone else. Even when it's something that really needs to be said.
That's pretty evident. I kept hoping that one day I would find the love that I once had for my husband... but eventually I just had to give up. Stop shocking it... it's dead.
At least now I'm older & somewhat wiser. I know when something has absolutely no chance of being what I want & therefore I won't waste my time. I'm not going through anymore of the "try it on & see if you like it" deals. If I go shopping... I know what I'm looking for. Next time I'm not settling for less. So if I even have to think to myself "What do I have to do to make myself like this person.... or to make this person like me"..I'm moving on.

My other John Witherspoon moment...

So here it is a few days after I returned home from my fabulous trip & I start sharing pictures with friends and co-workers. Of course I am most proud of meeting Mr. Witherspoon on the street that day. One co-worker ( then another, and another, and another!) told me that Mr. Witherspoon is playing at a somewhat local comedy club in our area this weekend! DANG! But I already spent my $ & can't get a ticket (or a babysitter!). That's alright, I didn't have anyone to go with anyway, so I let the idea of speaking to him again go.

HA!! While driving in to work this morning, guess who's on the radio taking calls! So I called in...

"Hi John. Boy, it's a small small world! Do you remember over the weekend when you were on 5th St. and some crazy fan came over to you talking about being a cancer survivor & you took a picture with her?"

"Uh... yeah?"

"Well that was ME!!"

"WOW! What are you doing here?"

" I actually live here. I was just visiting when I saw you" and I went on to explain how I was just thinking about him in the few moments prior & then he magically appeared. LOL- it was great talking to him on the air. Now I gotta figure out a way to get this picture to him!

But you know, when I share this picture with some people they say he looks familiar, but they don't remember where they saw him before. We'll the biggest thing that sticks out in my mind was that he was Craig's father in the "Friday" movies with Ice Cube. He also played "Pop" on the Wayan's Bros. show. But like I said, I've been seeing him in bits & pieces on film since the 80's. I hope to continue seeing him for years to come.... we're losing too many good ones now-a-days. R.I.P. Uncle Bernie.


And you know..... R.I.P Melrose. I just found out today that my former neighbor mom passed on to glory this week. Its sad because of us 3 muskateers we've already lost our dads, & now we're starting to lose our moms too. After I got the news I went did exactly as directed by an old campaign slogan from the 70's... "Have you hugged your mom today?". I can say YES I HAVE.

Watch what you say & what you think.

They say the power of life & death can be found in the tongue...the things you say. I think it is also found in the the things you think as well. I was walking down the street on Saturday and I saw a sign that had the word "EXQUISITE" on it. I think it was refering to some diamonds. So anyway, thinking of that word brought a tiny smile to my face, thinking of a comedy sketch I was almost 15 years ago with Robert Townsend, John Witherspoon, & others. A woman was talking about the dinner party they were attending & she said something about it being "Requisit too..". John Witherspoon's character tells her to "Shut the hell up Ruthie, you don't know what you're talking about". I don't know why that simple line was so funny to me... or why it came back to my mind so many years later. I mean that was somewhere around 1987 when I saw that!

So anyway, I continue walking down the street, minding my own business, when I look up into the doorway of what I guess is a hotel & who's standing there talking on his cell phone? JOHN WITHERSPOON!

I'm so shocked I whisper a loud "OMG!! HI!!" & he says hello back. Then I motion "Give me one of those Bang,bang, bang..." & he does. The same Bang, bang from the movie "Boomerang" that I love so much. Honestly, when I really need a good laugh, that does it every time. I start to walk away when it hit me. THIS IS A CELEBRITY MOMENT & YOU'RE LEAVING WITHOUT A PICTURE??? So I walk back, of course forgetting all my manners & not caring about him being on the phone, and ask him for a picture. Then he tells whoever it was to hold on & it it me how rude I was. I apologized & told him to go ahead & finish his call, I just wanted a picture if it's ok. Well, he said it was alright....and the even smiled for me! Another friend of mine says he doesn't know who's cheesing harder- him or me! And of course I immediately started thinking what other celebrities I could conjure up in this head of mine, but unfortunately I came up with none.

BRCA Testing

As found on Webmd...
A breast cancer (BRCA) gene test is a blood test to check for specific changes (mutations) in genes that help control normal cell growth. Finding changes in these genes, called BRCA1 and BRCA2, can help determine your chance of developing breast cancer and ovarian cancer. A BRCA gene test does not test for cancer itself. This test is only done for people with a strong family history of breast cancer or ovarian cancer, and sometimes for those who already have one of these diseases. Genetic counseling before and after a BRCA test is very important to help you understand the benefits, risks, and possible outcomes of the test.
A woman's risk of breast or ovarian cancer is higher if she has BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene changes. Breast cancer is extremely rare in men but BRCA2 gene changes have been linked to male breast cancer and possibly prostate cancer. The risk of some other cancers, including pancreatic and colon cancer, may also be higher.1 The gene changes can be inherited from either your mother's or father's side of the family.

All praises due to God the Father. All Glory!! Thank you Lord! My test results of the 2 were NEGATIVE!!! My 2 children should be ok!

Doors closing all over....

This is going to be one sad, sorry weekend for me. I need release. Releasing a lot of issues that I have, and had been hiding my true feelings. A lot of things are becoming final for me.
Ok - maybe not completely hiding this one, but as far as the loss of my marriage... I think I had been in preperation for that for quite a few years now so it's no big suprise. Although I'm sad at the aspect of the failure, that it didn't work, that I didn't get married with the intention of it ending before death did us part, I think I'm going to be rather relieved when it's all over. Positive aspect: What I thought was true love obviously wasn't. Now I have a better idea of what to look for and what to avoid.
We're losing the house... or rather we lost the house. Of course I couldn't keep it on my income alone. It was quite a struggle to begin with. Admit it, we bought at the wrong time. Is there a positive in this? Only that I felt pressured into buying a house at that time, so it became more of a "buy something quick... find something suitable & jump on it whether you really like it or not" type of deal. Positive aspect: Next time I buy I should be able to buy the type that I really want.
You know, I was told after my son there should be no more children for me. I thought it was because of the damage the boy caused on his way out (causing me to go into emergency surgery for repair!). The issue turned out to be a little deeper than that, and I didn't learn it until about 2-3 years later. It's because the type of cancer I had was hormone receptive. Having another child would increase the chances of recurrence for me. So really, no more kids. I honestly thought that I could just do an IVF with a surrogate if I found one... they just take the 1 egg released each month till 1 works out. Silly me. My friend explained last night how hormones are given so multiple eggs are ovulated & those are harvested & implanted. Hormones... the very thing I'm supposed to stay away from. So now it's final. My boy is my last child. I thought I was alright with just my girl & my boy.. what else was there to try for? But a while back I started feeling like I wanted another baby to care for & I figured the next man & I would do that IVF thing. Positive aspect: I'm still struggling with this one. Perhaps the fact of no more diaper changes?
UGH...you know what else is final? Just finding another man! lol I'm at the weirdest position right now. The guys that have shown interest are either much older, done w/ kids all together, my age & almost done raising their kids so don't want to start over w/ 2 small ones, or doesn't want kids at all. Oh, I didn't tell you about the "wants kids...just not the ones I already have" guy. Yeah- he got cut so quick I can't even remember his name!
The Tyler Perry movie "Madea's Family Reunion" had a character who had two small kids... and she wound up hooking up w/ a FYNE looking man that had a son around the same age as her kids.... AND he was cool w/ her being celebate! Where on earth did she find someone like that??? lol- if only I could be so lucky. But knowing how my life goes, there would eventually be another issue that makes the picture ugly. UGH! Positive Aspect: Being single isn't so bad... no one to check in with, answer to, 1 less bell to answer, 1 less egg to fry....
But today from where I sit I just feel like I'm looking down this long hallway... and every door I'm coming to that I think I want to go in is closing. Maybe I should stop, concentrate on 1 particular door, and make a bee-line straight for it. W/no distractions till I accomplish what it is that I want. Can I do it?

I will not focus on the problem....I will work toward the answer.

When did I start doing that? It doesn't matter... it's time for it to stop. For so long I believed in hitting a brick wall, deeming it to be the end & giving up. I said to a friend once that a failure is merely an opportunity to try again. Why didn't I listen to myself? As soon as I find something in my way I tend to give up... like if it were meant to be there would be a clear golden path straight to it. What was I thinking? Anyone knows that if you want something bad enough, you will have to work at it. You don't give up for little obstacles in the way.
Remember I sent a message months ago..asking for a friend? I got one. There are obstacles there... and I threw up my hands in defeat a little too soon. I'm taking it back. I'm not done. A good friendship is too hard to come by... and sometimes friendships grow into something bigger, stronger, indestructable. I'm not done. So we're not the best best best friends that I dreamed of right now. The journey of a millions miles starts with 1 step. It's going to take time to get to where I want to be... and we're taking it slow. I'm not done, we just got started. I believe in my heart that he will keep walking with me. Who knows what can happen along the way. Along the way he will see how beautiful things can be as well. Stick with me.