Using motivation factors where I can....

I use nikerunning.com with the Nike+ technology in my shoes to track my mileage in my walk/runs. It'll tell me how far I've gone, what pace I kept on average, how many calories burned, and when I set a new personal record I get a recorded message offering congratulations ( like from Lance Armstrong!). It also allows me to set different goals that I don't track on sparkpeople. Like for the month of January my goal was to complete 12 run in 4 weeks, burn 2000 calories, & complete a distance of 30 miles. Today I made sure that I accomplished all 3 by walking 6.84 miles in 2 hours! Lance says that was my longest workout yet!
The month of February will have the same goals kicked up a notch due to some negativity I received. As I told a friend about my goal accomplishments (specifically the 2000 calories burned) he looks at me & says "It's still there you know..."
That was so not funny. Not that I expect him to notice, but in the month of January I did lose 8 lbs. In February the goals are another 12 runs/walks in 4 weeks (mentally I'll shoot for 15), a distance of 35 miles, & 3000 calories burned with a 10 lb loss. Let's see if I can do it!

Michael would be so proud

You know the ending of the "Black & White" video where everyone does that head bob type dance while their images morph into each other? I've always wished I could have been a part of that. Well, this is the closest I ever got. I miss you Michael.
http://www.sonypictures.com/homevideo/michaeljacksonthisisit/fanmorph/index.php?id=14235

DANGGIT WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STAY GONE!

You know, I liked this guy. I really did. We only went out on a couple of dates, but it didn't work out. I wasn't enough of a woman I guess....you know what I mean. Those words he spoke still ring in my ear...how he liked me, but there's 1 thing missing. UGH!

Of course he rang my phone again a few months later....after midnight...asking if he could come over. HA!! Haven't heard from him since...almost 2 years ago.

WHY OH WHY did I run across him again tonight? WHY is he still single? WHY does he still look soooooo good? He told me he was moving back to NY last time we spoke. WHY IS HE STILL HERE IN FL TO TORTURE ME???

You know, I think I dreamed about this before.

Too much clutter & wanting more

I honestly don't know how to tackle this problem. My life... my finances... my home...it's all a cluttered mess. Every time I think I get started in getting it straightened out, another week goes by and it seems that I didn't even make an effort. I feel like something is missing from my life... that something to care for. I had a husband that it seemed I had to do EVERYTHING for & I resented him for it. I have 2 kids that I have to do things for.. and they are growing more & more independent each day. They actually say "thank you" & try to give hugs & affectionate kisses. I don't have to question if they're doing it because they want something or not. Their love is real.

I've been thinking about adopting a dog. A small lap dog, not anything too big like the lab/shar-pei I tried in 2007. But I can't bring a dog into this mess. It's more responsibility, & a bigger mess that I may not be able to handle alone. Maybe I should start w/a pet mouse?

My God I've got issues...

I dreamed of being somewhere with friends & family... can't identify who, but knew I was safe. Then a 12 ft snake crawls in. I screamed "It's a cobra!! A COBRA!! There's a cobra in here!" at which point the snake began to chase me. When I thought I was far enough away & safe I screamed again to find it wrapping itself around my legs and feet. I couldn't run...and with 12 ft of it's body I thought it would surely cover me up. Ok... my feet & legs are bound...why didn't I use my hands to unwrap him? Anyway, I knew I was facing an certain end, whether it squeezed me to death or bit me, injecting it's deadly venom... I was a goner. I screamed for someone to help me... he's got me... please get him off me... and someone came along & carried the snake off Steve Irwin style, saying it was not a cobra but a python (as if that makes a big difference). I go back to the original location where the friends & family were to find the snake made himself into a dog & people were playing with him!! Sort of like that snake in the movie "Lemony Snickets", how it would give kisses....but this snake would fold itself into the shape of a dog, like the Rubik's Cube Snake circa 1981. I remember looking right at the snake's head....& it's scales were blue, green & yellow.

So I go to www.dreammoods.com for interpretation.

Snake
To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. Alternatively, the snake may be seen as phallic and thus symbolize temptation, dangerous and forbidden sexuality. If you are afraid of the snake, then it signifies your fears of sex, intimacy or commitment. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.To see the skin of a snake in your dream, represents protection from illnesses.
Cobra
To see a cobra in your dream, represents creation, and creative energies. Some situation or relationship has you hypnotized.
Python
To see a python in your dream, represents danger, sin, and overt sexuality. Alternatively, it may symbolize your determination.

To see a python suffocate and kill its prey, suggests that you are feeling emotionally stressed and anxious.

Why does everything have to refer to some sexuality thing in my life???

Haitian Earthquake 1/12/10

I just heard the news last night & am seeing images this morning. My heart & prayers go out to the Haitian community at this time.

In pain again....

Well listening to the advice of the lovely people at the mortgage company did nothing but waste money for me. They advised me to have him sign a quit claim so that I can apply for a Deed in Lieu on my own. Lots of $$$ wasted. The house was sold in auction today. I don't know how much or to whom...but I just hate that they showed me this light at the end of the tunnel & it lead nowhere for me. So yeah, that hurts.

I made about 5 chocolate martinis last night....so of course today I didn't get anything accomplished as I just puttered around the house doing stuff & doing nothing. I wasn't really hung-over, but obviously not at 100%. In pain. I did at least wash my hair & roll it up in the soft spikes. I'll take a picture of it tomorrow.

EDIT: Well here it is. You know...I am rather shocked at the colors running though them in the back. I don't spend a lot of time in the sun...don't know how they change color like that towards the ends. I think if I keep finding stuff like this to do with them I won't be as bored & wont cut them.

I also reactivated my profile on 1 of those dating web-sites. It's time for me to get out there again. Here's hoping something works out before I get frustrated again.

Did I tell you I had surgery last week? Nothing too major, and I can't even remember the full name of it. It's the one where the ob/gyn burns the uterial lining...making future periods less painful, shorter in duration, lighter, I'm hoping it'll bring less PMS as well! I tell ya, I was under vicodin & valium on the day of...and man that felt good. But then the nurse gives injections of some other pain meds & I really felt like I was floating. I had to ask someone to stay & keep talking to me cuz I thought I may have passed out. I think the Dr. may have never heard me say so much....and about nothing! I know I sounded like a drunken slob or something...would have been funny to record it.

Back to the locs?

Well I know I stopped talking about it for a while now....how much can you really say about them after it has been determined that the hair is indeed loc'ed? Well now we can talk about the length I guess. Remember back in the days when they were 1st started (with braids) and how they sat above my shoulder? Well we're almost 4 years in now....look how far they've come. Hanging past my shoulders & sometimes honestly getting on my nerves! I've been doing a few new style w/knots & ponytails in the past week that I have to get someone to take pictures of...because being my own paparazzi doesn't always work out. It's cute though.

How Ironic...& not funny.

I don't talk about this much... cuz I said I forgave him & I honestly wanted to just leave it behind us. But you know when you've been wronged by someone you tend to keep the wrong to the forefront of your mind so that you will not be hurt by that wrong again. Years ago (and pretty early in the marriage) he almost cheated on me. He told me she was just a friend from his high school days...an ex girlfriend in fact...but come on. We're in FL, she's back in Chicago. How much damage can be done by them talking every once in a while? I soon found out. I can't describe the pain I felt when I got the email from this strange man...her husband...forwarding my husband's fantasy w/ her...his wife. Of course I told him that contact w/ her was cut off from that point on & had him call to tell her so. So of course she emails me to give even dirtier details, of how they were arranging to meet up when he visited Chicago in the near future. She was an OES sister & pretended to be my friend. To know a sister could hurt me like that...and even worse.. my husband...who was supposed to be my best friend... my Masonic brother....could do that too? And you wonder why I have problems trusting people!

Anyway...so yeah, during the time she was getting to know me...convincing me that she was no threat to my marriage, we talked about my love of music & how my mind has this wealth of knowledge of songs that a lot of people forgot about. She stumped me. She asked about a song, gave a partial lyric, but couldn't remember the title or artist. It sounded soooooo familiar, but I couldn't name it either & it actually bothered me all these years. Yesterday while listening to the slow-jams on iTunes I heard it. The title was very appropriate...to what I should have said when the relationship was 1st revealed. The title was "No", the artist Amusement Park. I wonder if she was ever able to solve her own riddle.

Well he's supposed to be getting married this weekend. He still hasn't said anything to me about it. And how ironic... I turn on iTunes again & hear Prince singing "Adore".....the song we danced our 1st dance to 12 years ago when I believed his lies.

Another friend of mine called me in tears yesterday. He just celebrated New Year's with his new girlfriend, but they went to a place that he previously celebrated with his wife & now he's feeling that he misses his ex-wife. Maybe not really her per se, but the good parts of the relationship they once had. Could I just be going through this because it should officially be over... he's outta my life.... it's outta my hands. Him getting married should close the door of him ever darkening my emotional doorstep again, right? Somehow I just don't get that feeling. I know I don't have those feelings for him any longer...but something just doesn't feel right here & I don't know what it is.