I know I should be happy. I have been so blessed & highly favored by the Lord, words cannot express how thankful I am. But at the same time, everytime I receive another blessing I get scared. I'm scared it's the devil playing with me. I'm scared it's the calm before the big storm. I just know something horrible is going to happen next.
I will say it over & over & over again, as terrible as it sounds, but having breast cancer was the best thing to happen to me. It showed me a true miracle of life- in that I lost 1 child but was still able to deliver another. It showed me that I am much stronger than I thought I was. It brought me closer to God than I had ever been before. I hate that I wasn't going to church every Sunday or all that prayerful before, and I hate to think that I became more prayerful simply because of that illness..because I don't believe that was the cause. I've always wanted to become more prayerful- I just don't know how. I say my prayers silently... and the Lord knows I'm not much of a talker to begin with. He hears my thoughts, right? He hears me thinking my prayers all through the day, not just at bedtime on my knees, right? Why have I been made to feel as though if I don't pray or speak in tongues, or spend every free waking moment at the church then I'm not being a good Christian?
But the blessings! How can I count them off. I had what was 1st thought to be stage 0 cancer... then when I woke up from surgery the doctor says it was stage 2A.... then later on another doctor says it was stage 3. There's only 4 stages.... why was I so close to the almost certain death wish stage? & now almost 4 years out & doing well... I have been blessed. Why me?
And because of the cancer, because I didn't cry out " WHY ME" I supposedly inspired a lot of other people in ways I don't know. People kept telling my how strong I was, how I inspire them. Maybe because I was up against a long, hard battle but still held my head up.... I don't know. But I inspired someone ( or several people) enough to nominate me for a contest. A wonderful contest & I actually won!! A free photo shoot that made me really feel beautiful. A free all expenses paid trip to Atlanta. Wonderful dinner at Emeril's- a place I would never be able to afford to go on my own. A wonderful spa package that I would never be able to afford on my own ( & truth be told probably wouldn't even think of doing for myself). A sizable donation to the cause of my choice- a donation I definitely wouldn't be able to give on my own. Oh God this contest & trip was absolutely wonderful. What did I do to deserve all of that, besides get sick?
And then tests & trials come along at that time. A soon to be ex husband that becomes iffy about child support. A teenager that's supposed to help out, but instead makes your situation worse. Somehow I was blessed enough with that situation as well. When my lights were about to get shut off for non-payment I found an organization that helped with the past due balance. When my cell phone was shut off & I told them to go ahead & cancel the contract- I can't afford it cuz I'm in the process of a divorce... they valued me as a customer & came up w/ a bunch of credits, knocking 75% off the past due balance. When my phone bill was run up by the teenager trying to get back at her mom, & I told the phone company to go ahead & cut it off cuz I can't pay it... they also applied some ' good customer" credits & greatly decreased the bill. I have truely seen my God making a way out of no way. The Lord is good.
And let's not forget the CAT scan issues we've had this year. WHEW!! I don't think I was ever happier to have a spot just dissapear on a scan before. But with all these blessings I still feel up against the wall... something is going to happen & I won't know how to handle it. I made a promise to myself a few weeks ago as I realize that I have a new lease on life & I need to start living it to the fullest....I am going to stop making wishes of what I want for my life & I'm going to start putting them into action instead. I've been saying for years how I want to go to Vegas... not for gambling or anything horrible. I want to see Barry Manilow! I want to see Prince! I want to see the spectacular lights all over. It's probably be the closest I get to Italy & Paris.lol So I said I was going to put away $10 a month in an
ING account to accrue interest & should have enough saved to make the trip for my 40th birthday in 4 years.
Last week I got 2 tickets to anywhere Jet Blue flies in the United States for free. Because of the sizable contribution made to the organization of my choice from that previously mentioned contest, I was put in a raffle & won. I didn't even know about the raffle, let alone the chance of winning such a large prize. So here I am wondering if I should even keep these for myself. They expire in 2008. I had no plans of doing any big travel in the next year. Should I make plans now? Should I plan to go somewhere else, or the usual going to visit family type deal? Should I move up my plans for Vegas? Was getting these tickets so soon after a mental promise a sign from God? Or am I just a vessel to help others out in time of need. 1 friend my need to go to NY soon. My sister may need to go back to Chicago. Why isn't there answer key to these questions. Why can't anyone tell me what I'm supposed to do?
