At least I can still smile in the rain....

I had the bilateral mastectomy in 2004... & I choose not to use the prostheses' anymore. I just got tired of the whole ordeal so I just go around flat.
Recently at a party a woman came up to me & just plainly asked "Where are your titties". I was stunned. I have 3 pink bracelets on my left wrist. I thought people would have taken the time to notice that & then put 2 & 2 together before saying something like that to me. SO instead of going off on her, I simply stated they are in a jar in a lab somewhere being studied. Then I think it hit her that I was a cancer survivor.
This past weekend another survivor ( that I suspect was drunk) came up to me & told me that I wimped out!

"You shoulda had the reconstruction done! Silicone all the way baby!"

Hmmm.... if only she had asked I would have been able to tell her how I did have the reconstruction, & got a staph infection a the site of the port that didn't get correctly diagnosed till 5 months later when my skin started tearing.... yeah, I wimped out. Does being a survivor give you some increased sense of bravado that you can say & do anything you want? If it does, someone please let me know when I can start being so insensitive to people.

OH YEAH- I'm going through menopause a lot sooner than I thought I would, so that time may be coming soon! Hold on to your hats!

OH... that's the hard part of being single!

At least for me it is. I forgot about this, but in all honesty it shouldn't make that much of a difference... it's not like we were really into the same sports anyway.

Last night I had the sort of unfortunate experience of watching my proto-type boyfriend Kevin Garnett win the NBA Finals with the Boston Celtics. I sat here & watched it alone. No one to talk trash to. No one to chear with. As a matter of fact... now that I think about it.. if a friend had told her husband to HOOK ME UP WITH KEVIN like I asked her to at the beginning of the season I would have actually been at the game! PLEASE invite him to my house when he comes to FL next season! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE GIRL!! lol I'm not y0ur common NBA groupie... it's a Chicago thing w/ me & him!

Although I was very happy & proud of Kevin ( he went to HS in Chicago, you know), for the 1st time I actually wished I did have a significant other to watch the big games with. I spent the Superbowl watching the game with strangers.... who later became friends, but still... strangers. Now the NBA Finals were spent at home alone. It's just sort of sad, that's all.

I'm Reaping the Harvest God Promised ME...

Take back what the devil stole from
And I rejoice today.... for I shall recover it all!!

That's a line from "Faithful is our God" by Hezekiah Walker. That line never meant as much to me before as it does right now. Today I am battling.... seriously fighting.... this issue of anger. Fighting to tears... and I HATE IT! I am not an angry person... and I hate the fact that I have been pushed to this emotion!

Last night I went out to my favorite hangout with the intention of dancing by myself (again). I choose to dance by myself because for some reason the guys in this town don't understand when a woman DOESN'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED! A part of the problem may be the music being played now-a-days. I won't get into the raunchy lyrics because they are too many to list here, but let's just say I am not at the stage of life where I get a thrill or excitment in what's supposed to be dancing... where a guy is just ramming his crotch against me!! EEEWWW!!
And to dance with a guy that starts out w/ a little hand holding.... ok, that's acceptable & pretty much expected depending on the music. But fella's... let me give you a hint if you didn't already know ( and clearly a lot of you in SWFL don't!!). If you're dancing with a woman, trying to hold her close & she keeps backing away from you, won't hold any eye contact, keeps looking at everyone dancing around her(& NOT AT YOU!!!), and while she's dancing seems to be scooting away from you.... ugh, maybe she doesn't want to dance with you!?!?! Maybe she doesn't appreciate you trying to caress her skin ( or being molested on the dancefloor). It's situations like this that make me think maybe I should try going to a gay male bar to dance... then I can pretty much be guaranteed that no one will touch me ( that is unless there are lesbians there as well).
So I'm angry about that... but more anger comes in during a simple trip to the bathroom. While doing the responsible thing of washing my hands after using the facilities I placed my purse on the sink next to me & turned to use the hand dryers on the wall. Don't you know this woman had the audacity to pick my purse up & try to walk out with it!!!! I grabbed her by the shoulders & said " UHH.... EXCUSE ME!!! That's mine!" She replies that she was just playing. Hmmph. I told her I am from the South Side of Chicago.... you DO NOT play with a woman's purse like that. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE ON ME! I mean really...she didn't know that I'm a Madea in Training & she was really close to a real fight w/ me. I hate that I was brought to a place where I felt I needed to fight for what was mine. On top of that, what she was stealing has no real monitary value... it's a knock-off Prada bag! Maybe worth $20, but in these hard times maybe $20 would mean something to her. That's besides the point... IT WAS MINE! SHE HAD NO BUSINESS PUTTING HER HANDS ON IT! To know I was so close to being the victim of a crime makes me mad. And here it is like 12 hours after the fact & I'm still mad about it! I really need to let it go. Hopefully I will never run into that woman again.
And then today is Father's Day. Happy Father's Day to any father that may be reading this. My kids are at their father's house today. I don't have a real issue with that. My issue right now is all the fathers at church this morning. All the fathers I see every Sunday at church. How come my kids father can't be like that? I thought that was what I was choosing when I selected what was supposed to be my life mate- A Christian man. Although my own father did not go to church with us, he made sure that WE did go. I resented him for that, but at least he made sure his children were being raised in the Christian faith. I want the same for our children... and it makes me angry that I seem to be the ONLY ONE that feels that way. It bothers me when I can't go to church on Sunday mornings... or whatever day of the week I have to worship the Lord if not on Sunday. It appears he could care less about going to church. When we were together I had to MAKE him go to church with me. I HATED THAT! Now he's out on his own & the kids are with him. He doesn't seem to care that the kids don't go to church while they're with him. I HATE THAT! Sure they say their prayers & grace while with me... but what happens when I'm not around? If, God Forbid, something ever happened to me... will my children not learn about God & his Son because they are with their father? It irritates me that he lives 5-10 minutes from the church where we attend & he doesn't feel it necessary to bring them to church! I'll have to get a court order stating the he needs to bring the kids home on Sundays, or at the very least bring them to the church on Sunday Morning after his visitation. It's really burning me up that my kids aren't in church for no good reason than their dad just didn't feel like bringing them!
UUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! There's nothing I can do... I have to let it go. Let GO.. LET GOD! Didn't I say that a few months back? LET GO... LET GOD! MY SISTER, you can't handle it. LET GO... LET GOD!
Lord, please help me today. The devil is clearly messing with me because I am clearly getting closer to you. Devil, please leave me alone. Lord, please continue to watch over me & my kids. Please help me with my daily conflicts, my struggles, my problems. Help me to remember that I am indeed stronger than I thought I was. Help me to realize that I am not a doormat to just be walked on... that I am a strong woman. One to admired & loved. When people try to bring me down, help me to keep my head high...higher than they can reach. Help me.

Hurting myself & didn't know it.

Well after so many people saying how wonderfully strong of a woman I am...after all I've been through...I should take the time to remember that I am after all a human. If you cut me, I will bleed. Somehow I got convinced I was Wonder Woman & I ignored what should have been a red flag for a major injury.
2 months ago I moved out of our house. Of course I had to do most of the packing myself. I can't remember exactly what happened, but I can sort of speculate on a slight memory I have. If I remember correctly, I dropped the extender leaf from my dining room table on top of my left foot. Yeah....OUCH! But instead of possibly even thinking that a bone in the foot may have been broken or fractured.... I kept working! I would get this pain on the side of my foot & wonder why my foot is hurting... I didn't even remember how I hurt it to begin with.
Fast forward about 2 months and the on again off again pain that I had became constant....affecting my stride and making me walk like a pimp! Not very attractive for a woman of my stature...so I decided it's time for me to go see a doctor. Thank goodness after examining the x-rays they determined there was no break or fracture, just a bruised tendon. AAAAHHHH!!! BUT IT HURTS!! So now I have a prescription for Darvocet...a narcotic I haven't had since my cancer treatment days. Have you ever looked forward to taking a pain killer in your life?

Stupid people

I have my level of sarcasm and it aggrevates people sometimes.... but really! Some people really do ask stupid questions and & they should just walk around with a sign to let other people know that they are just that stupid! lol. I work for the local sheriff... in the video department. I got a call on my extension yesterday from someone reporting a brush fire. I suggested he hang up & call the fire dept. but he said he didn't know how! Uh.... hang up & dial 911!!! At that point I just felt sorry for him & walked the info over to communications where they put the info into the system...after we all got that quizzical look off our faces!


Here's more examples of stupid people needing a sign... a friend emailed this to me the other day:

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

• 
  It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
• A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
• I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
• Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
• We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
• I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. Okay, no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign.until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge. Here's your sign."
• I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends. The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

I just wanna say....