1st braid-out

Pretty foxy if I say so myself!

I was so proud of my hair this weekend. I've started co-washing...that's washing with conditioner only, no shampoo...and I used a shea butter mixture for the 1st time. Shea butter, olive oil, castor oil, & I cheated with a little "Wild Growth" oil because I cannot find any coconut oil in this town! So I sectioned the hair & ran the mixture down the shaft, sealing the ends, & then cornrowed it. I think I left the cornrows in for a day & 1/2 when I unraveled it to this braid-out creation. I LOVE IT! I wish I could do it more often, but my ends were a bit damageds/split somehow & they frizzed a few hours later. Maybe after I get accustomed to this co-washing regime the hair will be in better condition & I can try it again. After all...I had 4 years of locs & maybe 3-4 conditioning treatments in that whole time. My hair is DRY!

The Locs are GONE!

And nope... I didn't cut the hair. Very slowly, over about a month of time, I picked them out with a rat-tail comb & lots of water & conditioner. Of course w/ the hair looking like that it's not very presentable for work, school, church, or anything.

Here it is after a fresh shamppoing, in it's wet curly state. Not exactly the look I was going for, but better than what was presented before.

I decided to style it in comb coils for the moment. It's nice to be able to run a comb through it every once in a while again, but funny how I chose a style where once again I will not be combing my hair every day!

Very Ironic! Even though the small coils were cute, I found it even cuter when I separated the coils so I had a head full of fluffy curly hair!. Of course w/ my schedule I was just too busy to take a picture of it! lol

On the other news front... we got new pets yesterday. We're staying with the exotic animal theme since we didn't seem to do so well with the dog. I loved the rabbit, but that didn't work out after about 2 years. This time we got Guinea Pigs! 1 all brown one named "Coco" & one tri-colored one named "Ice Cream". Maybe my child was hungry when we got them?

Wow I was miserable!

How come no one pointed that out to me... that my posts were becoming all loom & doom about all over the place about everything? It's been a while since I've posted, I know. The last one I was upset about Valentine's Day coming up. I had just met a guy in the week or 2 before & was hopeful for a nice 1,2 & eventually 3rd date w/ him. It never happened. After out inital meeting, his subsequent phone calls started with the greeting "Heeeey Miss Big-Booty". Was that my cue to start swooning over him??? Then he goes on to ask if I could lend him $500 for his rent. FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! Mind you, I work for a living & am the single mother of 2 young children. Do you really think I have that amount of money to just lend out to some guy I just met?? Needless to say, when he called after that I did not answer.

I put my foot down & decided I just wasn't going to deal with men anymore. It was obvious to me that it just wasn't meant for me to find a special guy because I am too nice. I watch the Maury show & see so many loud mouth, bitter, mean, irritated women fighting over who their baby daddy is. With that kind of attitude they were still able to find someone interested in them for a date or 2. So that's the kind of attitude I decided I was going to start carrying. I wasn't trying to hear anything any man tried to say or whistle at

me. They're only after 1 thing anyway...why should I make it easy for them? lol

Well the "Evil Ouida" didn't last long. I went to Chicago for that house music picnic again in July & met up with an old college friend. Little did we know that when he started communicating on Facebook it was the start of an actual relationship! We met up at a club party, we danced, we talked ( or shouted over the music) & then he t

ook me to get something to eat.

He doesn't understand how 72 degrees in a halter top could be cold to a Floridian native...but I was really cold! So he gave me his jacket & put his arm around me. Perfect opportunity for that 1st kiss, right? So now here it is, 4 months later & we're still communicating on Facebook. But now

next to my name it says "is in a relationship with "<----HIM! I'm not posting his name here. I'm just really happy at this point. Would be happier if it weren't a long distance relationship...like if he moved here. I'm not trying to rush things though. I realize I do have control issues, so I'm trying hard to just sit back & let things happen as they may.

I also talked about making major changes in my life last time I posted. I said I

was gonna cut & color my hair. For a minute I thought about cutting it short like Janet Jackson did! No...I didn't do it. I really dragged my feet on the whole issue. Instead I just began to TAKING OUT THE LOCs process last month. That's right... the past shoulder length locs you see there are no more. 1st I woke up feeling really bad w/ a bad headache 1 day. I blamed it on sleeping on the locs & pulling at them in my sleep. So I grabbed the scissors & chopped off 6 inches! I looked similar to Whoopi Goldberg's haircut. This transformation wasn't enough for me. I decided I wanted real sisterlocs, not these braidlocs I got. I want mine smaller. So as painstaking as it may be, instead of cutting the hair off & starting fresh that way, I am picking the locs apart 1 by 1.

While my hair is in transition I've been wearing wigs in public ( to work, church, etc.). I'm about 3/4 of the way unloc'ed now...so stay stuned for the big reveal. I'm looking forward to having a short time combing through my 'naturally curly hair' and having the option of wearing it bone straight if and when I can. Hopefully I still have a little bit of an audience... did I lose all of you in my absence?

UGH... here it comes again.

You know, once upon a time I used to be excited aboutt Valentine's Day. Wondering what boy at school would give me a carnation or rose... wondering if anyone would ask me to the dance if there was one...wondering if anyone would just ask me out for Valentine's Day at all. When I did have a boyfriend I wondered what special gift he would get for me... how would he present it? You know it looks all sentimental & dramatic on TV & movies... and I never got anything close to it.

1 boyfriend was a Jehovah's Witness...so he didn't celebrate it. But when he saw how disappointed I was that everyone else in school has something from their Valentine & I didn't, he brought me a huge Pink Panther doll on 2/15. Maybe that started my love of the color PINK.

My favorite boyfriend...senior year of high school....I honestly don't think he got me anything for Valentine's day.

The very few other boyfriends I had didn't put much thought into a gift for Valentine's Day... a bunch of flowers & a stuffed animal. It makes me sad to think how their expressions of love are so standard...like there was nothing personal about it. This is what everyone else gets, so you should get it too.

Maybe that's why I started on this sort of hatred toward this fake holiday, because I never really got to enjoy someone expressing a love for me as they show in the media. I was lead to believe that when man proposes marriage he's supposed to buy a ring (hopefully a nice diamond), get down on 1 knee, and ask for your hand. HA!

On Valentine's day you special man was supposed to arrange a wonderful date..... carriage ride through the park, candlelit dinner, moonlight stroll, wonderful concert w/ your favorite singer, SOMETHING SPECIAL. For me, it never happened. It's so sad.

Well I have decided 2010 is going to be a banner year for me. I'm going to cut & color my hair this year. I'm going to get back into my size 12 jeans...maybe even size 10. I'm having the surgery for reconstruction again this year so I can see more of a woman when I look in the mirror. 2010 is going to be different.

Using motivation factors where I can....

I use nikerunning.com with the Nike+ technology in my shoes to track my mileage in my walk/runs. It'll tell me how far I've gone, what pace I kept on average, how many calories burned, and when I set a new personal record I get a recorded message offering congratulations ( like from Lance Armstrong!). It also allows me to set different goals that I don't track on sparkpeople. Like for the month of January my goal was to complete 12 run in 4 weeks, burn 2000 calories, & complete a distance of 30 miles. Today I made sure that I accomplished all 3 by walking 6.84 miles in 2 hours! Lance says that was my longest workout yet!
The month of February will have the same goals kicked up a notch due to some negativity I received. As I told a friend about my goal accomplishments (specifically the 2000 calories burned) he looks at me & says "It's still there you know..."
That was so not funny. Not that I expect him to notice, but in the month of January I did lose 8 lbs. In February the goals are another 12 runs/walks in 4 weeks (mentally I'll shoot for 15), a distance of 35 miles, & 3000 calories burned with a 10 lb loss. Let's see if I can do it!

Michael would be so proud

You know the ending of the "Black & White" video where everyone does that head bob type dance while their images morph into each other? I've always wished I could have been a part of that. Well, this is the closest I ever got. I miss you Michael.
http://www.sonypictures.com/homevideo/michaeljacksonthisisit/fanmorph/index.php?id=14235

DANGGIT WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STAY GONE!

You know, I liked this guy. I really did. We only went out on a couple of dates, but it didn't work out. I wasn't enough of a woman I guess....you know what I mean. Those words he spoke still ring in my ear...how he liked me, but there's 1 thing missing. UGH!

Of course he rang my phone again a few months later....after midnight...asking if he could come over. HA!! Haven't heard from him since...almost 2 years ago.

WHY OH WHY did I run across him again tonight? WHY is he still single? WHY does he still look soooooo good? He told me he was moving back to NY last time we spoke. WHY IS HE STILL HERE IN FL TO TORTURE ME???

You know, I think I dreamed about this before.

Too much clutter & wanting more

I honestly don't know how to tackle this problem. My life... my finances... my home...it's all a cluttered mess. Every time I think I get started in getting it straightened out, another week goes by and it seems that I didn't even make an effort. I feel like something is missing from my life... that something to care for. I had a husband that it seemed I had to do EVERYTHING for & I resented him for it. I have 2 kids that I have to do things for.. and they are growing more & more independent each day. They actually say "thank you" & try to give hugs & affectionate kisses. I don't have to question if they're doing it because they want something or not. Their love is real.

I've been thinking about adopting a dog. A small lap dog, not anything too big like the lab/shar-pei I tried in 2007. But I can't bring a dog into this mess. It's more responsibility, & a bigger mess that I may not be able to handle alone. Maybe I should start w/a pet mouse?

My God I've got issues...

I dreamed of being somewhere with friends & family... can't identify who, but knew I was safe. Then a 12 ft snake crawls in. I screamed "It's a cobra!! A COBRA!! There's a cobra in here!" at which point the snake began to chase me. When I thought I was far enough away & safe I screamed again to find it wrapping itself around my legs and feet. I couldn't run...and with 12 ft of it's body I thought it would surely cover me up. Ok... my feet & legs are bound...why didn't I use my hands to unwrap him? Anyway, I knew I was facing an certain end, whether it squeezed me to death or bit me, injecting it's deadly venom... I was a goner. I screamed for someone to help me... he's got me... please get him off me... and someone came along & carried the snake off Steve Irwin style, saying it was not a cobra but a python (as if that makes a big difference). I go back to the original location where the friends & family were to find the snake made himself into a dog & people were playing with him!! Sort of like that snake in the movie "Lemony Snickets", how it would give kisses....but this snake would fold itself into the shape of a dog, like the Rubik's Cube Snake circa 1981. I remember looking right at the snake's head....& it's scales were blue, green & yellow.

So I go to www.dreammoods.com for interpretation.

Snake
To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. Alternatively, the snake may be seen as phallic and thus symbolize temptation, dangerous and forbidden sexuality. If you are afraid of the snake, then it signifies your fears of sex, intimacy or commitment. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.To see the skin of a snake in your dream, represents protection from illnesses.
Cobra
To see a cobra in your dream, represents creation, and creative energies. Some situation or relationship has you hypnotized.
Python
To see a python in your dream, represents danger, sin, and overt sexuality. Alternatively, it may symbolize your determination.

To see a python suffocate and kill its prey, suggests that you are feeling emotionally stressed and anxious.

Why does everything have to refer to some sexuality thing in my life???

Haitian Earthquake 1/12/10

I just heard the news last night & am seeing images this morning. My heart & prayers go out to the Haitian community at this time.

In pain again....

Well listening to the advice of the lovely people at the mortgage company did nothing but waste money for me. They advised me to have him sign a quit claim so that I can apply for a Deed in Lieu on my own. Lots of $$$ wasted. The house was sold in auction today. I don't know how much or to whom...but I just hate that they showed me this light at the end of the tunnel & it lead nowhere for me. So yeah, that hurts.

I made about 5 chocolate martinis last night....so of course today I didn't get anything accomplished as I just puttered around the house doing stuff & doing nothing. I wasn't really hung-over, but obviously not at 100%. In pain. I did at least wash my hair & roll it up in the soft spikes. I'll take a picture of it tomorrow.

EDIT: Well here it is. You know...I am rather shocked at the colors running though them in the back. I don't spend a lot of time in the sun...don't know how they change color like that towards the ends. I think if I keep finding stuff like this to do with them I won't be as bored & wont cut them.

I also reactivated my profile on 1 of those dating web-sites. It's time for me to get out there again. Here's hoping something works out before I get frustrated again.

Did I tell you I had surgery last week? Nothing too major, and I can't even remember the full name of it. It's the one where the ob/gyn burns the uterial lining...making future periods less painful, shorter in duration, lighter, I'm hoping it'll bring less PMS as well! I tell ya, I was under vicodin & valium on the day of...and man that felt good. But then the nurse gives injections of some other pain meds & I really felt like I was floating. I had to ask someone to stay & keep talking to me cuz I thought I may have passed out. I think the Dr. may have never heard me say so much....and about nothing! I know I sounded like a drunken slob or something...would have been funny to record it.

Back to the locs?

Well I know I stopped talking about it for a while now....how much can you really say about them after it has been determined that the hair is indeed loc'ed? Well now we can talk about the length I guess. Remember back in the days when they were 1st started (with braids) and how they sat above my shoulder? Well we're almost 4 years in now....look how far they've come. Hanging past my shoulders & sometimes honestly getting on my nerves! I've been doing a few new style w/knots & ponytails in the past week that I have to get someone to take pictures of...because being my own paparazzi doesn't always work out. It's cute though.

How Ironic...& not funny.

I don't talk about this much... cuz I said I forgave him & I honestly wanted to just leave it behind us. But you know when you've been wronged by someone you tend to keep the wrong to the forefront of your mind so that you will not be hurt by that wrong again. Years ago (and pretty early in the marriage) he almost cheated on me. He told me she was just a friend from his high school days...an ex girlfriend in fact...but come on. We're in FL, she's back in Chicago. How much damage can be done by them talking every once in a while? I soon found out. I can't describe the pain I felt when I got the email from this strange man...her husband...forwarding my husband's fantasy w/ her...his wife. Of course I told him that contact w/ her was cut off from that point on & had him call to tell her so. So of course she emails me to give even dirtier details, of how they were arranging to meet up when he visited Chicago in the near future. She was an OES sister & pretended to be my friend. To know a sister could hurt me like that...and even worse.. my husband...who was supposed to be my best friend... my Masonic brother....could do that too? And you wonder why I have problems trusting people!

Anyway...so yeah, during the time she was getting to know me...convincing me that she was no threat to my marriage, we talked about my love of music & how my mind has this wealth of knowledge of songs that a lot of people forgot about. She stumped me. She asked about a song, gave a partial lyric, but couldn't remember the title or artist. It sounded soooooo familiar, but I couldn't name it either & it actually bothered me all these years. Yesterday while listening to the slow-jams on iTunes I heard it. The title was very appropriate...to what I should have said when the relationship was 1st revealed. The title was "No", the artist Amusement Park. I wonder if she was ever able to solve her own riddle.

Well he's supposed to be getting married this weekend. He still hasn't said anything to me about it. And how ironic... I turn on iTunes again & hear Prince singing "Adore".....the song we danced our 1st dance to 12 years ago when I believed his lies.

Another friend of mine called me in tears yesterday. He just celebrated New Year's with his new girlfriend, but they went to a place that he previously celebrated with his wife & now he's feeling that he misses his ex-wife. Maybe not really her per se, but the good parts of the relationship they once had. Could I just be going through this because it should officially be over... he's outta my life.... it's outta my hands. Him getting married should close the door of him ever darkening my emotional doorstep again, right? Somehow I just don't get that feeling. I know I don't have those feelings for him any longer...but something just doesn't feel right here & I don't know what it is.

Happy New Year

OK! 2009 is coming to a close. Time for all the good stuff to start happening again in my life! I plan on having a bunch of finger foods for dinner...cuz I don't feel like cooking... and a few martinis! Happy New Year to you all!

Funny/Ironic story for the "NOT THINKING CLEARLY" file

So I started cleaning out the clutter...starting with the Christmas tree. It was put back in the box on 12/27/09. I figured why wait until January, the holiday is over! I moved it back into the garage & started moving other things OUT of the garage. Things that never should have come over to this new house with me in 2008. My mom is a big fan of knick-knack ceramics...and I'm not. Off to Goodwill they went. There was a bunch of little baby stuff that either never got used or they outgrew. Off to Goodwill they went. I found a drawer full of old knifes & stuff mom gave me when I 1st moved out to help us get started. I'm not sure, I can't remember, but I think OFF TO GOODWILL it went. And then I found somethings I completely forgot about. The unity candle...the knife set...and the champagne glasses from our 1997 wedding.

I remember coming across the candle before and I thought I would burn it when the day the divorce became final. I guess I had other things on my mind & I forgot. So what shall I do?

I thought it would be a sort of funny gift if I gave them to my ex, but seeing how he still hasn't even told me that he's getting married I decided against it. I started to send them off to Goodwill as well, but decided to offer them to my neice instead. The candle I did in fact ignite it.

It was dark outside & it sort of gave off a romantic glow.

I went to bed at 2am and it was still burning, similar to one of those 17 hour pillar candles, so I let it keep going. At 9am when I woke up it looked like it hardly melted any...it was still going! I was impressed. Would have been more impressed if it were scented, but I guess you can't have it all can you? Well I walked away to do some work around the house & returned about 90 minutes later....and WOW!! It was gone into a huge wax puddle.

I can laugh because similar to the actual marriage it was a slow burning beautiful glow that seemed to last forever, but when it hit the catalyst that made it burn faster ( possibly the garter that held it together) things went downhill really fast & guess who's left to clean up the big mess? ME!!

Not thinking clearly? I should have known the type of man he was, but I kept hoping that he would change into the guy he pretended to be. But you can't change anyone or help someone change if they don't truly want to change themselves. I obviously didn't think clearly when I said "I do". And I obviously didn't think clearly when I placed a lit candle in a plastic tub....thinking the wax would just collect & re-harden like it does in a glass jar! LOL!

Still alive after all this time...

Wow.. so I've been blogging since 2007? And a lot of my stuff is still here? Well 2009 hasn't been all to great for me as far as the blogging goes, but we'll work on that.

1st of all.. remember way back when I blogged about Disney's 1st black Princess & how excited I was? Well we did go see the movie as well as a trip to Disneyworld to meet her. They took my advice & changed the name of the movie to "The Princess & The Frog" and the main character's name is Tiana. lol...if the Windows7 people can take credit for their ideas, why can't I? My ideas

were posted as proof way back then! My daughter is just as thrilled about her as I was. We didn't get the bedspreads,wallpaper, & everything else yet...but we're working on it.

This year my health has been great. Not one problem from any of the doctors I've had to visit. As a matter of fact, I've been placed on the annual check-up schedule with the oncologists. OH YEAH!! When that board made that recommendation that women only have mammograms after age 50 & only every 2years....of course I had to make a

statement to our local newspaper. lol...I was on the front page that Sunday! The whole idea is ridiculous. Imagine if I had to wait until I was 50 to get a mammogram? I wouldn't be here today.

This Christmas wasn't so bad. The kids got a lot of things that they wanted. So did I...even some things I didn't expect. Like my motherboard to officially die on me 1 week before Christmas.

My techie friend tells me I could buy another motherboard (used), but there's no guarantees how long it would last. On top of that... a new motherboard means a new processor, new memory, etc.... therfore I might as well just go buy a new computer so I can have the warranty....so that's what I got. I actually bought something with cash from my own hand thanks to saving for that rainy day. No charge cards... no "mommy..I need help"...I did it myself. It actually felt great. I also got the big ticket items I wanted on Black Friday by myself... but it would have been easier if someone were with me. I was shocked to find those ZhuZhu pets on Christmas eve at Walmart. I got a 12 MP camera...so you can look forward to more pics from me...maybe pics of me!

I'm still not dating. I'm sort of trying & not trying at the same time. Meaning if some nice guy approached me I might consider it, but I'm not chasing anyone or begging for some guy to take me out!

Yesterday my daughter told me that daddy is getting married next week. How original...getting married on New Year's day. But what I feel is even more sad is that he's doing this only 7 months after the divorce is final. He moved in w/her directly after he moved out from our house...and I'm not supposed to believe that he wasn't cheating during the marriage? HA! Whatever....good luck to the both of them.

So with 2010 coming upon us I have to make my dreams/wishes of accomplishments for the new year (not resolutions). I'm going to work out a bit harder. I started walking in my neighborhood. Got up to walking 4 miles in 1 day. Maybe I can get up to running one day. I'm trying so hard to get rid of the clutter around me in this house. I'm letting go of things I truly don't use & don't need. Hopefully I'll be able to move to a larger place cuz the kids are getting bigger & more active. We need more space. Maybe I'll be able to get a poodle doggy if I have a fenced in yard? We'll see.

The locs? I'm thinking of cutting them this year. I am amazed at the growth, but I'm getting bored with the look as well. Isn't that what a lot of women do after a divorce... a total makeover? Well this year is my year!

Happy New Year everyone!

Out of my hands Follow-up...

I wrote that it was out of my hands & asked for prayer.

http://electa530.blogspot.com/2009/03/out-of-my-hands-again.html

I see once again how prayer works. I didn't argue with him about this issue ever again. Instead I just continued taking the kids to church. On Sunday when we didn't go I would let him know so that he could come pick them up. Whenever he asked for extra time it is allowed if there was no other conflicts.

It seems if I never ever ask him about child support or anything financially related we get along fine. Let's see how long this will last.

Ms. Cellophane...I'm Ms. Cellophane...

Ever had one of those moments when you felt like if you weren't there no one would even notice? I feel like that quite often.. but even more so this past week. I came down with this horrible cold/flu & called in sick to work. Usually my supervisor will call back later in the morning... or at least before the end of the day to see how horrible my sickness is. I went 2 days with no follow up calls from anyone on my team. Then on the 3rd day I drag my weary body into work & they ask "how are you?". I say I am a lot better than I was the previous 3 days.... and then I hear " Make sure you don't cough or sneeze on (your co-worker)". Thanks for missing me.

Another friend pointed out my absence on this blog lately. I'm sorry, once again. There was another bout of slight depression...feeling sad about being alone & seeming never good enough, but I'm getting over that. Today there is sadness over the loss of our pet bunny.... but the kids don't even notice yet. I guess they're just used to me pushing the cage outside before I clean it. This time it won't be coming back in though. I don't know what happened. She was fed on Thursday night & I saw she was fine last night. Today we come home & I notice she's not moving. When the kids left the room I go for a closer look. The cedar chip bedding looks like its in her mouth ( I didn't look THAT close) & her body was just beginning to stiffen up. So maybe if I had stayed home instead of going to the pool....paid a little more attention? UGH!! I can't do this to myself.

I've met a few psychos in my area. I'm still single. I'm still prayerful that God will send the man that is supposed to be in my life. I know there's a difference between wants & needs.... and I hope he will send a few of the qualifications that I want as well as what I need. In the meantime.... dang, is it too much to ask that if a guy is really interested that he go ahead & PLAN a date instead of "I dunno, what do you want to do?" "Let's wait & see what happening on that day" ?? I grew up watching TV & movies where the guy called the girl saying things like "I would like to take you to dinner...", "Hey, would you like to go bowling with me", "I have tickets to a So & So concert... would you like to go with me". I guess guys don't do that anymore.

I didn't forget...

but as you can tell by my last post I wasn't really feeling very upbeat & chipper as usual. I had to take a break.
In July I flew back to Chicago for my 20 yr. high school reunion. If we weren't friends back then, it was a safe bet that we can't be friends right now. I felt as uncomfortable as I did back then around certain people.... but then was especially brave around others. I actually attracted the attention of one of the hot guyz from back then. It was cool.
Any, lately I've been doing whatever I can to get the smile back on my face. Is it working?

Feeling like Possum Pearl sometimes...

Yes I know I'm not a virgin. I have 2 kids.... and I have a past! But when I meet a guy that expresses an interest in me...why does it seem they loose interest when it is revealed that

1. I don't have boobs
   
2. Sleeping w/ me is gonna cost more than a couple of drinks?

I'm not trying be all Holier Than Thou or whatever... but I would think that when a special man comes into my life... for real... then he will appreciate the fact that I haven't been tried on & run through the mill by all the previous guys that came before him/after the divorce. They all talk about how they want that good woman... then do all they can to try & make me bad!
It also makes me wonder.... if I were in a horrible accident & lost a limb.... that would render me un-datable as well? I've asked the question.. polled around... and it was said that boobs were not that important to men. It's funny, I can't tell. Take a short poll of the guys that have expressed an interest in me in the past 2 years or single-hood. All think I'm a great woman, easy to talk to, great friend..... but 1 even said to me that I'm missing that 1 thing. Of course he didn't say what & it didn't have to be said. Although I appreciate the honesty, it still hurts. But you know what? I guess if you don't truly know pain, then you won't know pleasure when you receive it.

Mother's Day 2009

It started out great! The week before Ms. D. Francis had all her girls together for a suprise lunch gathering. 3 of us went & got our nails done & did some dress shopping. Yup- I bought a few dresses! I decided to keep the girly thing going w/ my daughter as I did our nails the following weekend.. the actual Mother's day weekend. Since they are too young for me to allow them to run lose in the kitchen alone, I let them take me to breakfast on Sunday morning then we went to church. I dropped them off w/ their dad afterward as usual.

This left me w/ more time for me! I thought I would take Ms. Francis to the movies, but instead we ended up shopping again & then just rented a movie from the Redbox @ Wal-mart. Still, a nice Mother's Day for me & my mom.

Other forces I guess tried to rain on my parade through the rest of the week. It was hard, but I keep my head up through it all.

But cute thing though... I think my son might want to be a hairstylist. He loves grabbing my locs into a 1 fisted ponytail in the back or just fluffing them around. Just now as he grabbing them I told him he's pulling too tight.. so he pulls tighter. I say "OWWW!! That hurts" & he tells me "Noooooo...." like I don't know what I'm talking about. It's MY hair on MY head!

Another Hair issue

I keep forgetting to update pictures of how the hair thing is going. Who would have thought that this started out as a hair blog? Well like I said... I watched them go from braidlocs to locs. I didn't see the need to keep taking pictures ever day/week/month to continue watching them. I like the once in a while pic that makes me say "WOW! They are growing!".

This year we had an unfortunate family reunion surrounded by a death in the family. This gave me opportunity to see more natural hair cousins of mine! Anyway... I became my own papparazzi & started snapping pictures w/ people all over the place.This is Alecia who started her locs I think 1 year ago. She was asking me about the ends that don't loc up. Sound like she had the same problem I did. I told her I was advised that after a year if they didn't loc up they never will. I even showed her the few loose ends I still have!

I hadn't seen my cousin Patrick in FOR EVER! I had to be reminded that he was actually at my wedding 12 years ago. Anyway.... my mom & her sisters were not very pleased with his hair. They threatened him w/scissors , wanting to cut the locs off. WHY these Jamaican women are so against locs I don't understand. I also met a cousin who is indeed a practising Rasta. She keeps her locs covered though.

And ME?? YOU BETTA WORK!! I was told this shot that I took of myself looks FIERCE! I don't know. I like the hair, even though I couldn't really do anything with it that day. But I like the way it hangs now that it's finally shoulder length. I do need to take more shots to show the length in the back. Hey Brunsli- thanks for the tie!

Where's my million dollar check?

In just the past 7 months I said something about the power of life & death being in either the tongue or in your mind. I pointed out how I thought of something and in the next few minutes it came into fruition. I spoke of someone that was unfortunately out of my life & how I wished we could have worked it out to remain friends. We hadn't spoken in more than 10 years. As of last month we've spoken maybe every other day... reconnecting like nothing ever happened.
So if I really do have that kind of power to make things happen...I need to start speaking aloud about my lotto winnings! I need to speak of my Prince Charming w/ the good credit rating that is willing to become my help meet & step father to my children....giving them a better male role model. I need to speak (shout!) more about that size 10 dress that I will be able wear this summer!
And not to be selfish... thinking only of myself...I speak of my kids coming into the genius status before them. My son overcoming the autism diagnosis set on him. Next year he will be reciting The Lord's Prayer by memory. My daughter will astonish the people at the new school to a point of being put into the Gifted Student program. My neice will straighten up & receive full scholarships to college. My other neice will find out what life is REALLY about & become the young adult that we all know she can be. My sister will find the answer to her prayers as well.

But seriously though... I need that money soon.

Starting... stopping... starting again...

My high school reunion is in July. 20 years ya'll! I can't beleive I'm going back to see these people I haven't seen in 20 years! So of course I have to look my best!
How can I? To be honest I'm only 20 lb heavier than I was in high school anyway. After 20 years, 2 kids, & a serious illness I think 20 lbs is forgivable. Unfortunately I don't just see 20 lbs. I'm still seeing the image of me in 2001 at my heaviest.... 234 lbs.
So I make up my mind to start working out again. I research the Couch to 5k program to get me running. I mentally promise to walk maybe 30 minutes a day. I mentally promise to do the Wii Fit thing every week. I even shop around for other workout material. At some point I will actually get serious about this & put those cookies down!

Wanting something new?

Not really... but that's the name of the movie I'm watching. "Something New" starring Sanaa Lathan & Simon Baker. A successful black woman about to start dating a white guy for the 1st time in her life. Her apprehension to the subject is very similar to mine, but not exactly. I mean they had a blind date at Starbucks & she walked around saying things like "What's up Brutha" & "Girl you are wearing those locs" to the black people she sees. I wouldn't take it that far.
But this guy in the movie.... yeah, he's hot. If he walked into my life I don't think I would be hesitant about dating him. But then again, my attraction to this character isn't because he's the white guy. He's nice, sensitive to her issues, hard working... I don't know if he can dance though. lol Of course the ability to keep a beat is important to me. I would be attacted to his character if he were black, white, Puerto Rican....whatever.
But really... 1st he's just the average white guy at Starbucks that she doesn't like... then he turns out to be this wonderful landscaping architect who reconstructs her backyard into something wonderful! And while she tries to keep that wall of professionality between them, he forces her to try something new...to go hiking with him. Like me she says "that'll be a double no" but with the loss of a coin toss she goes & it appears she had a good time. After that 1st kiss she tried to tell him that it won't be going any further and she gets out of the car & walks into her condo. A few dramatic seconds later she answers the knock at the door & there he is. He pushes his way into her place, grabbing & kissing her. Rather forceful, but in a way sort of hot!
But I just like the idea that he saw how hard she works & doesn't take the time to have fun... and forced her to try hiking. Now I want to try hiking, but don't know where to go or how to get started! I like the way he talks to her & WITH her. Maybe I'm just lonely...having no one around to talk to.
But then they have an arguement in the grocery store over a race issue....how she's being treated at work. She wants to talk about it (the Black tax...I never heard of it, but thanks for the enlightenment!) & he doesn't want to talk about anything racial... he just wants to relax. I don't see anything wrong with his side of the arguement, but she kind of blew it out of proportion & they decide it's not working.
Then of course she goes on ONE date with a black guy & now when he comes back 2 weeks later to apologize & try to work things out she turns him down. But then she sees him at an event a few weeks later with another woman & has an asthma attack. A clear case of wanting what we can't have.

One of these days I'm going to have to make a clear definition of what it is I want. What I'm looking for, if I'm looking at all. What it is I'll accept. I look at the lounge chair in her backyard that he designed for her to relax in. I need to relax. I need something like that. I need to be able to just let go sometimes . I wish I had a backyard with that type of set up to just play some jazz, have a glass of wine, & just mellow out for a while. Then again...what happened to our smooth jazz station anyway? Today I tuned in & they weren't there! UGH! No warning whatsoever.

Out of my hands... again.

I get so upset when I see thing going the wrong way & I can't control it no matter my efforts. This issue is nothing new & should have been expected, but I keep wanting to see the good in people & it obviously isn't there anymore.
So we're fighting about his visitation time & the kids going to church every week causes a conflict. Seeing how they're not going to church by MY order but in order to learn God's will I didn't think it would be a bad thing for them to come to their fathers home a bit late. Well it was. He's arguing that I'm wasting his visitation time by taking the kids to church without his permission. He suggested they go only every other week so that he can have his time with them. In his own words "I thought that what little time I spend with my children should also be important and I too offer them the right path to go on so no I can't loose every Sunday to their religious teaching.". That's right... he can't lose time with the kids to God. Offering them the right path?? How? Playing in the yard? Watching movies? Veggie-Tales can only do so much!
But today I had to come down off my soap box & leave it in His hands as to what is right or wrong. I just don't understand how someone that was brought up in the church himself can stray so far from it. Please pray for my kids. Pray for me. Pray that he comes back to the person he was supposed to be.

1/2 a dozen cookies & some silence...

Dang, I didn't realize how long it has been since my last post. Well, besides being all happy about the events of 1/20/09 I've kind of been going through other things that prevented me from properly expressing how I felt.

Well my neice is currently dating a man that is approx. 20 years older than she. He is about the same age as her own mother. Ever since she's started dating him she seems to have gotten more & more disrespectful to others while she feels she's mearly stating her opinion. One day while driving somewhere w/ her mom they got into an arguement that escalated to the point of my sister getting out of the car & walking home. Hmmm... the only time I can even imagine my mom & I agrgueing to the point of me putting her out of my car would be if she ever said something like the God we serve wasn't real & prayer is a waste of time. I don't know if my sister has worked things out w/ her daughter as of this date. I know my neice still has a few screws loose though. Last week my son was washing his hands in the bathroom & couldn't find the garbage can to throw away the paper towel he used to dry them... so he used his 4 year old logic & put it in the toilet! No one knew why the toilet overflowed that night. It wasn't revealed until I witnessed him about to do the same thing the following week. Then we realized the garbage can was gone we asked where it was. My neice puts the garbage can in the closet because she gets tired of dumping out the garbage from the 1 can... it's too much work cuz there's no bag in the can & no one else is around to do it. So now she expects that everyone that needs to throw away trash in the bathroom make an extra trip to the kitchen to throw it awat instead. Hmmm..... please pray for her ya'll.
On a personal level I am sort of on a roller coaster because this week we will have the trial for my divorce. It will soon come to an end & everything will be out on the table. Although I CANNOT WAIT until it's over I realize that I will be grieving the loss of what I thought I had, what I should have had, the traditional nuclear (NEW-CLEAR...not NUKE YOU LAR!!)family of the mom, dad, kids, & the pet. Well, I might have it in the futre, but it's not the person that I thought it would be with. To be truthful I don't even know this person anymore. My daughter pulled out this picture that we took together at a Christmas party back in 1997. I can barely recognize myself in that photo, let alone the person standing next to me in it! I mean I can remember how we used to laugh together, but I look at that photo & I feel like it was all an act. A forced smile like that of the beauty queen in the parade. It's sort of sad. She wanted that picture for show & tell.... the assignment was to bring something you love. I feel like I sort of let the kids down because I didn't fake the love longer so the family could stay together. Please pray for me ya'll.
At the same time I feel relief that it will be over, I also feel sort of sad that it ends this way. But you know what... we can't concentrate on that. It's over.. let's move on.
Similar to how I made a big deal of the days when I started my locs. After 1 year, they were locs.. no doubt about it. Time to stop counting. Similar to my days since my breast cancer diagnosis. I just hit 5 years last week. As Pastor Rob says, it's time to stop counting. It's time to move forward.

I did meet someone, sort of. We met online. We speak everyday via telephone calls. He's already using that "L" word that I'm so scared of. It sounds nice, but I've told him I can only sit back, watch, wait & see exactly what it means. My perception of love for and from another man has been ruined & I was to relearn it. He says he has the patience to show me. We'll see.

But today I sit at home alone with a 1/2 dozen chocolate chip cookies, a glass of milk, and eventually (after the Oscars show) will have silence.

What a way to start the new year

I heard someone at church say "Happy New You!" instead of Happy New Year. I like that.... it will be a new me this year. 2009 is so significant in so many ways. The biggest change of course is the change of our president next week. I am so excited about that. I still tear up whenever I view the exact moments on the news when it was projected that he would be our 44th president. Exactly 11pm EST after returning from our local news cut-in I was watching NBC news & there was silence. But there was a graphic that read 44th US President & had his picture. I was confused at first... asking myself out loud "What? He won? He won??" Then finally you hear Brian Williams announce that he had in fact won the state of California as well as Oregon & Washington....the whole West coast, which put him over the 270 needed electoral votes. HE WON! Oh I jumped around alone in my living room that night. I screamed. I cried. I called my mom. I called another friend that volunteered on the campaign & thanked her. My sister in Chicago called me around 2am. Oh it was such an exciting night. Next week is going to be even more riveting.

So Blessed...

I cannot begin to describe what I am feeling right now... other than to say this past year has truely been a blessing. I know my life had been somewhat a roller coaster, but just like when you are on one & you learn how to bear the ups & downs... and you brace yourself for the downs you know are coming. In this past year my downs haven't really been all that bad!
I'm getting an understanding in prayer. My words are not as eloquent as others. Face it, I'm just not a very vocal person. But I'm happy my God knows that.... and knows what I am feeling in my heart. I'm learning to ask for the things I want... the things I need... to pray for the people I care about. I'm blessed enough to see these prayers answered in so many different ways. OH I am so blessed. I'm reaping the harvest God promised me.... take back what the Devil stole from me... and I rejoice today for I shall inherit it all! Thank you Lord.

I pray all of you following this blog, whether on a constant basis because you are interested in the things I say, of if you just stumbled across it while doing a search on locs, or kids, David Otunga (who is crossed off my list now... I've grown passed him), have a very Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hannukah, Merry Festivus (or whatever).... have a Happy Holidays!

Stolen Quiz.... 1 Word

Where is your cell phone? Charger
Your hair? Loc'ed
Your mother? Sleeping
Your father? gone
Your favorite thing? Cookies
Your dream last night?unsure
Your dream/goal? changes
The room you're in? living
Your fear? Insects
Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive
Where were you last night? here
What you're not? dumb
Muffins? ok
One of your wish list items? Peace
Where you grew up? Illinois
The last thing you did?pack
What are you wearing? t-shirt
Your TV? on
Your pet? rabbit
Your computer? Compaq
Your life? hectic
Your mood? hurt
Missing someone? yes!
Your car? gone
Something you're not wearing? bra (LMAO... I gotta laugh at that)
Your summer? interesting
Love someone? yes
Your favorite color? PINK!
When is the last time you laughed? today
Last time you cried? recently