Testing Testing

Just a little something here....
Trying out my latest addition. I had 1 years & years ago... what ever happened to it I have no idea. But now I get to have some good clean wholesome family fun with it!

My Glory.. you lift my head.

Psalm 3 1-6
Lord how are they increased that troubled me
Many are they that rise up against me
Many are they that say of my soul
There is no help for him in God!
But thou O Lord are a shield for me
My Glory, and the lifter up of mine head

I cried to the Lord with my voice, and
he heard me out of his holy hill
I laid me down and I slept
I awakened for the Lord sustained me.
I WILL NOT BE AFRAID OF TEN THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE THAT SET THEMSELVES AGAINST ME ROUND ABOUT!

YOu can guess what's going through my mind today.... but it will not trouble me again, I am tired of this... so tired of this over & over again, trying to do what's right while he thinks only of himself & not what's best. One day he will look back and see that the only one hurting him is himself, not me.

My pastor pointed out that this is taking up way too much of my time & energy... and he is soooo not worth it. NO MORE! I don't want to discuss it (besides with my new lawyer) any further. I don't even want to think about it anymore. As far as I'm concerned, it is finished. The Lord has been my guide. He would not have steered me the wrong way. I need not worry. It is done.

Roller Coaster ( of love?)- a sad reality

Say What? Whenever I think of that song I think of my sister in Chicago. That was pretty much the theme song that let us know Barbeque Season is upon us! Well, basically anything Ohio Players... my sister loved grilling. For those who don't know, the Ohio Players made that song "Roller Coaster"... Red Hot Chili Peppers did a cover of it years later. Again not an original. They also covered "Higher Ground", a hit by Stevie Wonder. Hmmm.... why does this feel like the 5 Heartbeats all over again?

Anyway, today was very much a roller coaster day for me, and it hasn't ended yet. I don't know when it will. I knew this was coming... or I should have known it was. I just didn't think it was going to hit me this hard. I didn't know I cared. Today I came to realize that the posibility of my having another child, even through medical intervention (like a surrogate) is not a possibility for me. My blood work at the oncologist came back negative... I'm still in remission. Yea me. But when I mentioned the hormonal problems, the fact that the ob/gyn recommended a hysterectomy & such, he order the genetic testing that actually should have been done years ago. And now this test will tell us if I am a carrier of the gene mutation that causes breast cancer. If I am, then that makes is all the more likely that my daughter will have to fight the same battle that I had. Oh, I imagine my son may not be safe either seeing how men get it too.. and he could pass it onto his daughter. And what makes is hurt even more for me is knowing that I can't even offer the option of having someone else carry out a pregnancy for me & a future mate... that child would have the mutated gene as well. Her I was doing a bunch of research on egg preservation... freezing my eggs for future IVF treatments to a surrogate & it's not going to happen. 1st of all... it's $15000 a year, or maybe even $250 per month for just 6 eggs. Yeah, good luck in getting that paid. How could I want to bring another life to the world that would have to go through the same struggle? I feel bad enough thinking how I could have possibly passed it on to the 2 I see daily. Yeah sure they may find the cure soon... but I don't know that. I'm still struggling with today. Facing the fact that there will be no more babies carrying my DNA directly from me. And on top of that... it's sort of another strike against me in the future dating pool. It hurts. It's not fair. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but COME ON!! REALLY???
So today I'm feeling like I just may as well get used to the fact.... until another 5 years go by & I can possibly get another set of implants no man is really gonna be interested in me for the long term. It's a sad reality.
If by some miracle a man does come along that can appreciate me for all I've been through, I'll never be able to be the mother of his children... the birth mother of his children. It's a sad reality.
I'm a single mom of not 1 but 2 kids... 1 with special needs.... 1/2 a woman's body... and can't have kids. It's a sad reality.
Never mind that I was smart enought to earn a BA degree. Never mind the fact I pretty much do more for others than I do for myself. Never mind that I know how much I do, how much I put up with, for the man that says he loves me & I love him just as much. Never mind that I'm as good looking as Tyra Banks without the eight.. oops I meant Forehead. It'll more than likely never happen again. It's a sad reality.

What I need...

Years & years & years ago I met this guy. He was PERFECT... probably stood about 6'6'', pretty smile, could dance... everything I had hoped for in a potential boyfriend. And on top of that... he was interested in me!! Oh I was so happy... until I learned the truth.
This perfect man that I started developing feelings for, that I was spending hours talking on the phone with, spending time after class hanging around with, just so close to completely giving my heart to... was being nice to me in efforts of getting to know my friend- the woman he was truely interested in in the 1st place, but in the meantime would take what he could get from me. Insert knife & twist.
It hurt..not like any other heartbreak I had previously, but I think it was the one that sent me into the box currently live in. No one could hurt me when I was in the box... and I couldn't hurt anyone else as well. I saw it as a WIN-WIN for the world.
Eventually after that I met the man that became my husband & I moved out of the box (probably just sub-let it to someone else). At least he was strong enough to bring me out. That was fun for a while.
Today I find I have moved back in. Well, not today but recently. My life is so much less complicated when I'm in there. I suppose if I were out & about it makes me more susceptible to the pain that people can bring. While I'm in there, if your intention is to cause me pain it gives me a small barrier... like I can see or hear it coming... and I have a chance to brace myself for it or protect myself from it. When I come across something that hurts me, I tend to not want to experience it again.... so I STOP! I mean I know people tend to get hurt when they learn how to ride a bike or roller skate... but sometimes the bike is just too big for you to handle or the skate wheels are the wrong speed ( too loose) for your novice ability. If you don't want to keep falling & hurting yourself, YOU STOP, consider how much you really want to learn this sport. Can you start out on an easier, safer, model & work your way up? Is it really that important for you to learn this sport at this time? Maybe it'll be easier when you get older... after some time has passed & you have healed up a bit. Yeah- I'm definitely not one of those "Get back up on the horse" type people. Throw me once - ouch. Throw me twice- it's gonna be a looong time before I let that happen again.
I'm thinking I need to make myself one of those count-down clocks to remind myself that I won't be dating until next year....no matter what. In the meantime, I wondered what it is going to take for a man to show me that he's truely, seriously interested in me & what if he wants to take it a step further than just friends. Somehow that lead me back to the past... thinking about that guy I was crazy about & the way he stomped on my heart. My favorite song at the time was "What I Need" by Crystal Waters. I could really feel that 2nd verse after an experience like that.

I said I'm lonely
And I don't believe
I've been waiting long
For someone to believe in

But I been talking
Been talking so long
I forgot what the hell
What I was talking 'bout

I'm uptight, nothing right
Can't eat, can't sleep
All night in bed I cry
Need somebody by my side

I feel my heart and soul
I feel the beat
I wish someone would give me
What I say, what I say
What I need, I need
What I need, I need
I need something to come over me
Lift me up and set me free
Someone who will give
What I need, I need
What I need, I need

I guess my needs haven't changed much since way back then. I get tired of doing all the work...making all the steps.... going the whole distance alone. If someone is going to be with me, he can't be on the fence about it. He's gonna have to jump over & drag me out. Hopefully it won't be kicking & screaming. lol But yeah, what I need is someone that is willing to extend their hand, grasp mine firmly, guide me where we agree to go, not allow me to go the wrong direction if he knows for sure it's wrong... the same way I would pull him back if he were going the wrong way. I don't need a father figure to repremand me. I don't need a son to tell what to do. What I need is a friend to walk with me.

Raining on my sunny day....

I guess in a moment where I feel rather good about how my day is going, someone somewhere always has to come along (even if unintentional) to rain on your parade. Some people just can't help but do things to things really bring a person's mood down. Like to have them think they were missed and then only reveal that they were missed for 1 reason... 1 reason only.
Or once upon a time I had a crush on a guy... just a crush, not an obsession. And just like any other crush I've had it faded quickly... allowing me to finally see that he wasn't all that to begin with. He was just a guy. I wasn't even thinking about him anymore when someone felt they had to throw it in my face that he's now engaged. SO!! Newsflash bonehead...we get "ET" & "Extra" here in the US. I probably knew about it before you did anyway!
But anyway... yeah- it hurts to try and establish or re-establish as friendship with someone who eventually shows they are truely not your friend. My idol, Madea, has this line about people being like trees.... some are leaves, some are branches, and what we all really need are some really good roots. I guess this person was somewhere between a leaf & a branch, but definitely not a root. A root is something I will hold onto for life.

HE Has a destiny....

I had another one of those proud mama moments today. Not only because he finally let go of my arm & kinda paddled his way around the pool alone today, but because of a song he chose to sing. Somehow after a bit of shopping at Winn-Dixie this afternoon I heard him sort of mumbling something. Then it appeared he was actually singing because he kept saying the same thing over & over again.

"Who Let The Dog Out? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?"

But that's not the part I'm proud of. I'm proud of his second selection... a song we sing every gathering at church. "We have a destiny".

WE have a destiny
I know we shall fulfill
We have a destiny
We're that city on a hill
We have a destiny
It's not an empty wish
For I know
I was born
For such a time... as this.

Then each other chorus is you have a destiny, I have a destiny, etc. Oh I am SO proud of my boy!

I can't be the only one

Living a life of regret..wishing things of the past could change.
Like I wish I had never walked down that certain street at a certain time...but it's over.
I wish I hadn't said what I said to that person...but it's over.
I wish I hadn't gone there & done that...but it's over.
I wish I hadn't heard what I heard... but it's out there... it's over.

What can you do?

I refuse to continue living in the past. It's over. I'm moving toward the future..changing things along the way.

No more regrets.
No more feeling sorry for what I cannot change.
If I can... I will. If not, I'll apologize but I will not continue to live it. It's over.

Another level, another harvest
another day for you to manifest your promises
Another moment, another season for a
Breakthrough, breakthrough....

Funny... or maybe not

So I get a phone call today from someone I didn't think I would hear from again. I disappeared on him (so he says) and it's nice to know that my prescence was indeed missed. We talked about a lot of recent events in our lives and eventually it got down to a sort of lecture on self esteem. I say I'm not dating anyone... not trying to date anyone... not looking to date anyone... & he says "No kidding.. look at how you dress!"
How I dress is a reflection of how I'm feeling that day... but for the most part outside of a work uniform or church clothes I will more than likely be seen in a baggy tee-shirt & jeans. " Why do you cover yourself up so much?" he says. According to him (and I guess others) its a part of the reason I don't have a man right now. I explain the tee-shirt & jeans are comfortable & sometimes I honestly don't WANT to be seen. I don't want the attention from others. When I do, I know how to dress. Just this past weekend I did something completely out of the ordinary... going out to Wal-mart in some tights & a form fitting shirt. Yup- I'm curvy & I didn't hide it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it wasn't like it something I need to hurry and do again. When I got home I immediately put my XXL tee-shirt back on. I said it once, I'll say it again. It's hard taking the tomboy out of the woman!
So my friend goes on about how I shouldn't have to hide myself.. I am a beautiful woman & should be proud to show everyone. Men are attracted by what they see. All those curves walking past... they would have to pay attention to me. Jeans & teeshirt... "ugh" he says. That's not the kind of woman that men look for.
Valid points.. true. But do I really want a man that was simply attracted to me because of the outline of my body in a short skirt or low cut top? Nah- you can keep that. What's important to me is that the man likes/loves me for who I am.. not what I can wear..what I look like. I want someone that can see what's going on in this damaged heart of mine & if he is not be able to repair it himself be willing to be patient & hold it while it heals. Someone to laugh along with me. I don't go looking for men based on physical attraction alone...I want to get to know the person inside. Hopefully my next man will feel the same. lol- see ya next year!

What's new at the zoo?

So I finally got the courage or whatever it takes to take the kids on a trip on my own. No dad. No Grandma. Just the kids & their mom. We went to visit my friend and his son. Then we took our first trip to the zoo.

I was actually impressed that my son didn't freak out with all the big animals. It was sort of comical when a large bird walked out amoung us through the bushes & it scared him. The bird was walking all slow like "WHAT?? WHATCHU GONNA DO!!" lol Whatever it was it was large enough to stop those other people in their tracks.

He specifically requested to see the elephants ... repeatedly requested! "EHE FANTS MOMMY!! EHEFANTS!!" My daughter actually got the opportunity to feed a giraffe and she wasn't scared! Of course when we saw the sea creatures we couldn't stop singing the "Barbara Manatee" song from "Veggie-tales" in our heads or out loud.

The Zoo adventure ended on a cool note... stopping to see the orangutans & a baby came up to the window to say hello to us. Typical... it gravitated toward me sitting in the corner. Then I can only guess the Mama came over & put her hand on the glass. Then this big Simian looking one started coming over... and I announced it was time to go. I didn't want to stick around to find out if he liked visitors or not. Nevertheless it was a great outing w/a new friend. All the kids enjoyed each other's company. My daughter also got introduced to "Pee Wee's Playhouse" thanks to this visit... my friend has the box set DVDs that I didn't know existed until now. lol

Flirting Failure pt.2

I've been informed that my definition of flirting has been incorrect all along. I thought flirting was the intentional do whatever I can to get this guy's attention so that he will want me! I didn't know that when I play around with my friend's hair it could be conceived as flirting. I didn't know that when I kind of hung onto those big guys in school... calling them my brothers... that was conceived as flirting. NO WONDER a lot of girls didn't like me!
Now the sexy talk...the inserting sometimes inappropriate comments into conversation... I know that could lead to flirting but I didn't know THAT in itself was flirting. I'm good for the witty comments sometimes...but I thought it was clear that I was kidding. Some people in the past took my comments literally. OOPS!
Boy, flirting is a dangerous thin line. I need to watch what I say & who I say it to. No wonder I had a lot of supposed to be friendships go wrong. I don't want that to happen again in the future, so I better tone it down.


Who am I kidding... if the urge comes you know I gotta say something.. like a friend hanging pictures asked me "Can you help me get this up?". There's NO WAY I can NOT comment on that! That door was wiiiiiiiiiiide open.

Flirting failure....

I'm a pretty smart woman. I was an advanced student in elementary school (i.e. NERD), then a slightly above average high school student. I got a B.A. in Fine Arts. I watch Jeopardy & can answer a lot of the questions before the contestants (HA! Now that takes brains!). I even get British comedy like Monty Python that seems to be over so many people's heads. So why is it I cannot recognize when a guy is simply flirting w/me. When it comes to men I'm about as smart as a brick.

I can't for the life of me remember this guy's name, but years ago when I was in college I talked to a young man over the phone. He was one of those pretty boys... light skinned, wavy hair, hazel eyes. Looking that good there's no way he could ever be interested in me... so I just immediately put myself into "THE FRIEND ZONE". I thought nothing about him calling me or me calling him every night. Here it is bedtime...after midnight... and we're still talking. One night he shocked me by speaking in French to me. It didn't sound like the French he picked up in High School. He spoke it fluently. Now if only I understood anything that he said!

I immediately asked him what he said, but he kept telling me he'll tell me later. Maybe he was just saying that joke about "How do you keep an a-hole in suspense"? Oh well... that guy is officially in my "One that got away" pile.

There were others between him & when I got married. Being married for 11 years I completely fell out of the flirting game & forgot how to do it. I don't even recognize if it's being thrown at me. One day on my lunch break I met a truck driver that asked questions about my job (cuz I wear a uniform). Here I am telling him about what I do for a living & he's checking me out. I was shocked when he asked for my number.

I'm sure there are books on flirting out there. I need to study & brush up on the technique so that next time it happens I'll know how to respond appropriately.... be it run or flirt back.



{insert tire screech sound effect} WAIT A MINUTE!!! I'm not dating for another 360 days now! Oh wait... it's ok to flirt with potential friends, right? I know it's a dangerous line. I'm not perfect. But they say practice makes perfect! lol

She's dressed in black again....

A friend of mine talked about Depeche Mode late one night when I was sort of falling asleep.. but when they played this song I immediately sat up. I REMEMBER THAT SONG! My college roomate kept playing that CD over & over again and I found it to be so depressing!! I never really took the time to listen to the lyrics. All I could envision was all the kids on campus with the black hair & black nails wearing Doc Marten shoes or boots wanting to look like the walking dead. But even with that vision I liked this song out of all on that CD.
For some reason today I feel like I should be dressed in black. Not the sexy black dress... but the black jeans, black tee-shirt, oversized black sweatshirt that all seemed to scream out "LEAVE ME ALONE I DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED". That's not really the case though. I'm feeling as though I want to just go to sleep & have everything that's bugging me just blow away. I wish it were that simple.
I don't remember what point of life I was at, but I know I wrote something about being lonely, but not alone. People around you all the time but you still feel like you're alone, you have no one. It's truely a sad feeling, but I know it's only temporary. I'm not alone, I do have friends. I have family. Next year I might have a man in my life ( HAHAHA!!). I'll be alright. I know I haven't hit the desperation of needing to have someone else to take care of me. But that's another subject & blog entirely!

..tell me are you up for the challenge...

A while back I posted the lyrics to my latest theme song of my life, "DAMAGED" by Danity Kane. Somehow on a long drive back home from a wonderful trip I started thinking about those lyrics. That line in particular that says:

"You gotta gain my trust... trusting is not enough.

Actions speak louder than words, you've got to show me somethin'.

My heart is missing some pieces

I need this puzzle put together again!"

I thought about how if I really were the subject singing this song, how I would basically be putting all the responsibility on some other man to heal my broken heart. That's asking a lot, isn't it? It's not the next man's fault that I have issues with being touched... issues with intimacy.... issues with trust... issues! It's not his fault, but I at least acknowledge the fact that I do have those issues. I would need for the next man to understand that I am working on them & need him to have patience as I re-learn how to love. It's not going to be easy for me. I'm just now getting to the point of allowing people to hug me again... baby steps honey! I'm taking baby steps here. I'm still sticking to my self imposed rule of not dating til next year, but at least now I can acknowledge that I would eventually one day be able to share my life with a special someone again. I just need to clearly define exactly what it is I would like & pray God brings him to me. I mean if Pastor Roxanne could pray for a a light-skinned man of God w/ wavy hair... and whadya know, she finds Pastor Rob....if He will do it for her, He will do it for me too. I'm just not ready to ask yet!